


Resourceful

by rosetintmyworld



Category: GOT7
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Kid Fic, Kidnapping, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Police Officer Im Jaebum, Police officer Jackson Wang, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:35:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 19
Words: 44,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22537882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosetintmyworld/pseuds/rosetintmyworld
Summary: Kunpimook was a resourceful six-year-old, at least that was what his mother always told him.Something bad happens to Bambam when he is six years old and Mark and Jackson adopt him.But time doesn't heal all wounds and Bambam finds himself wondering just who he is.Maybe the letters of an inmate will help him find out what happened when he was a kid.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung, Kunpimook Bhuwakul | BamBam/Kim Yugyeom, Mark Tuan/Jackson Wang
Comments: 62
Kudos: 159





	1. Resourceful

Kunpimook was a resourceful six-year-old, at least that was what his mother had told him. 

She had let him do a lot of things that most six-year-olds weren't allowed to do.

His mother let him walk himself home from school by himself, trusted him to make his own dinner, and to stay home by himself for days at a time.

He was six years old, he knew not to touch the burner of the stove and knew better than to let someone into the house when she wasn’t home. She trusted him to take the food stamps card to the store, and only get what was on the list, and bring it back home when they ran out of food. It wasn’t like his mother really cared about bringing much food into the house, she never seemed to be that hungry, but he was. Kunpimook was trusted to go and come back, no loitering, no lingering. 

He did his best to live up to her expectations, by doing everything that he could to make her happy, it was one of the things that he prided himself in, being able to listen well to his mother and be a good boy. 

“Your total is $25.86,” the teenaged cashier said, blowing a bubble as she sent a text on her phone.

Kunpimook pulled the card out of his pocket, standing on his tiptoes to swipe it before putting in the numbers that made it flash green and let him get his food.

He began to grab the food when the cashier cleared her throat, looking uncomfortable. 

“It says insufficient funds,” She said and he frowned up at her. 

He didn’t know what that meant. 

She bit her lip and looked over at her boss before leaning forward over the counter. 

“Not enough money,” She explained simplistically and he nodded, beginning to take food out of the bag.

Last week's receipt said two hundred and thirteen, but maybe his mother had used more when he was at school. 

That was okay, the bread and peanut butter would be enough for him for the next couple of days. 

“Hi Kunpimook, where’s your mother?” The older woman who worked in the grocery asked and he cleared his throat. 

“Mae’s in the car,” He explained halfheartedly and the woman leaned forward over the desk. 

“Why don’t you tell her to come in?”

“She’s not feeling very well today, I’m supposed to hurry,” His English was clipped and the woman chewed on her lip before reaching into her pocket, pulling out her own card and swiping it. 

“Tell her to get better, you can’t survive on peanut butter and bread,” the woman spoke and he nodded before putting the food back into the bag and walking out of the store. 

He walked to the ‘car,’ before cutting behind the parking lot and back to his home. 

The grocer woman was nice, but his mother always told him she was nosy, so Kunpimook tried not to tell her too much. 

He opened the door with his key, slipping out of his school shoes before sitting the food on the counter and putting it away. 

“Mae! the food card didn’t work all the way!” He called to his mother and got no reply. 

She must have left already. 

He locked the door like he was supposed to, doing the chain lock before turning on the television and sitting on the floor, tucking into the half-folded peanut butter sandwich that he’d made himself. 

Kunpimook opened his eyes as he heard talking from downstairs. 

It sounded like his mother was talking to a man. 

He emerged from his bedroom, tiptoeing down the stairs to see his mother and a man sitting on the couch. 

“Mae?” He questioned softly and she looked over at him, the frown on her face erasing itself as she saw the boy. 

“Mook, what are you doing up?” She asked, her Thai lilting and he ran into her embrace, laying his head on her bony collarbone.

She ran a hand through his shaggy hair and he turned his head to look at the man who was sitting on the couch. 

He had thick muscles and tanned skin that almost looked red from sun exposure. He had tattoos running over his arms and a blond beard that looked like it’d be ticklish against his fingertips. 

“You could have me,” His mother explained and the man shook his head in disgust. 

“Too many have had you,” He spoke dismissively. 

Kunpimook didn’t like the way his voice sounded to his mother. 

It was so mean, so uncaring. 

He whimpered in her thin arms and she looked down at him, running her hands through his hair again. 

“What about him? Please I need it,” She spoke, her voice turning into a whine near the end.

“The kid?” He asked and he could feel his hands still. 

“No one’s had him, he’s clean, and a good boy. He’ll do what you say.”

“Mookie,” His mother crooned and he looked up at her, his eyes still heavy and tired. 

“You’ll be a good boy, right, you’ll go with lung, won’t you?” She asked in Thai and he nodded at her. 

“Noo’s tired mae,” he whispered and she pet through his hair once more before looking up at the man.    
“Give me it, and he’s yours,” She spoke and Kunpimook closed his eyes.

He opened his eyes as the man carried him into the bright lights of the grocery he always came to.

“You want some food Mook?” The man asked and he shook his head. 

“There’s no money on the card,” Kunpimook panicked. He couldn’t get food without the card. 

“Don’t worry about that, come on, let’s get you something to eat,” The man bought him a pack of candy and a breakfast pastry, even though he wasn’t supposed to eat it because it made his teeth hurt. 

He also bought him a fizzy drink that made his heart beat fast before leading him back to the man’s car. 

They drove in silence, Kunpimook getting to sit in the front seat before arriving at a new house.

“You finished eating Mook?” the man asked and Kunpimook nodded, his half a pastry shoved deep in his pockets for later. 

“Let’s go take a bath huh?” the man goaded and Kunpimook followed him into the back of the house, his hands folded in front of him.


	2. Be On The Lookout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaebum arrives on the scene to an unconventional crime.

Jaebum drove behind license plate ELT 2339, his eyes monitoring the way that his speedometer was staying right at thirty-four miles per hour. 

He wasn’t looking forward to today, the early morning was already hot and sticky, and he knew that meant that citizens would be particularly rowdy. 

“Can we pull them for reckless driving?” His partner, Jackson Wang asked and he looked over at the man, his patience already worn thin by the person in front of him. 

“it’s not my fault you wanted to wait until Mark was already two minutes out of the house before leaving, besides, they’re not being reckless, that’s the problem,” Jaebum sighed, hoping they would go ahead and pull off in the next couple of minutes. 

“Then how about for careful driving, aggravating a police officer, something?” He spoke, exasperated and he laughed despite himself. 

“that’s not a crime, being a cautious driver,” Jaebum hummed. 

“Well it should be,” Jackson pouted and Jaebum sighed heavily as the person in front of them turned off and they were able to speed up and get to the station.

Jaebum clocked in, pulling at the polyester that stretched across his chest. 

He hoped to make detective in the next couple of years so he could ditch the outfit for something better than these hideous pajamas. 

“Just got in?” His Captain asked and he nodded at the man, stretching his arms as he made his way over to his locker.

“Well, I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to head back out. 4329 Neathorn drive apartment C, we’ve got a missing kid on our hands,” His captain explained and Jaebum took a deep breath heading back to his car. 

He dealt with his fair share of crime on a daily basis, but nothing was as bad as children. 

The arrived at the scene and he knocked on the door, hearing shuffling before the door opened. 

A bone-thin Asian woman looking close to his age stood in the doorway, her hands tucked into her armpits, making her look even smaller. Her eyes were red and glassy, but coherent, and hair was a greasy disheveled mess.

“Hello ma'am, you reported your child missing?” Jaebum asked, walking into the small and well lived-in apartment. Jackson was a lot better at sweet-talking, Jaebum's face seeming to scream sternness, even if he wasn't all that stern, to begin with.

“Yes, uh his name is Kunpimook Bhuwakul. He's six years old, this tall,” she held her hand down by her thigh before running her hands through her hair again.

“I don't- I don't think that he just left, he's not- he's not like that. He wouldn't just wander out while I'm sleeping. He was kidnapped,” she leveraged and Jaebum frowned.

“Why do you think that?” He asked and she flailed a little.

“He wasn't here, and he's always here. He wouldn't wander off, and the front door was just left open,” she stated and Jackson nodded writing the information down.

“If there is anything else you can tell us, please let me know, so we can find him,” Jackson’s voice was soft and soothing, the opposite of Jaebum’s.

“He was taken by Bryan Smith,” she offered up and Jaebum grimaced.

It was a common name, but a name he and the whole squadron knew very well.

The station had their fair share of run-ins with the drug dealer who wasn't very smart but always seemed to get out on technicalities. 

Kidnapping wasn't his M.O.

“Why don't you come down to the station, so we can get this settled,” Jaebum asked and she frowned.

“I'm not under arrest, am I?” She asked, suspiciously and Jaebum tensed up.

“No, of course not.”

“Run it back by me?” Jaebum asked the woman as he handed her a cup of coffee.

“I was minding my business, sitting on the couch, with Kunpimook when Bryan kicked down the door, put a gun to my head and took him,” She spoke again and Jaebum hummed. 

“And you’re sure that’s how it happened?” Jaebum asked again.

“Yes! Why do you keep asking me? Why aren’t you trying to find him?” she asked and Jaebum poured her another glass of water, his phone vibrating in his pocket. 

“We’re going to find your boy, I promise,” He spoke through tight lips before walking out of the interrogation room. 

“What do you think?" Jackson asked, holding out a coffee for the man. 

“I think she’s a druggie and her story has changed four times, each more outrageous than the last. We’re going to have to go out and canvas the city, hit up his old haunts,” Jaebum explained, looking down at his phone. 

“Still no sign of Bryan,” He sighed out at the text from one of the colleagues and Jackson nodded. 

“You think she’s involved?” He asked and Jaebum looked back at the skinny woman hunched over the table. 

“I think that whatever happened to him is on her shoulders, and it’s eating at her,” Jaebum explained and the door opened.

“Hey, she give up anything yet?” Mark asked, tugging at his blazer. 

“No, not yet, if you get anything, let me know,” Jaebum shook his phone and Mark nodded before opening the door.

“Hi, have you seen this little boy?” Jaebum asked the cashier as he walked up to the counter. 

He knew he should ask the manager first, but he knew that with how early it was the manager would have been in the back doing inventory.

“Yeah, I think so, maybe a couple of days ago, he always comes in with his mom’s EBT card,” the cashier answered and Jaebum cleared his throat. 

“How about today? Have you seen him today?” He asked and the cashier shook his head. 

“I just got in like twenty minutes ago, but Tina was here earlier, Tina!” The cashier shouted and a young woman came out of the back. 

“I’ve still got five minutes on my break- what’s going on?” The girl slowed down, looking warily at Jaebum and Jackson. 

Jaebum could understand, he and Jackson’s looks were intimidating, especially when they were on the job. 

“Have you seen this boy?” He asked curtly, shoving a picture under this girl’s nose. 

“I think so, this morning maybe, he was with his dad or something, I wasn’t really paying attention-”

“What’s going on Officers?” An older red-haired woman asked, tucking a pen into her breast pocket. 

“A little boy’s gone missing in the area, and we wanted to know if you’d seen him or who he was with,” Jackson explained softly. 

“I don’t really pay attention to- Is that Kunpimook?” She asked and Jaebum frowned. 

“Yes, do you know him?” He asked and she nodded, motioning him back to the office. 

“I can’t believe something happened to him, he’s an absolute sweetheart- wait, who is that?” She rewound the tape. 

“I thought I told them he was banned from the store, what the hell is he doing with Bryan Smith?” She fumed and Jaebum let his eyes follow the man out of the store and to his car.

He exited the parking lot, heading southbound and Jaebum nodded. 

“Come on, I think I know where he’s headed,” He smacked Jackson on the arm, who was watching the tape intently. 

“Thanks for your help,” Jackson called as they got into their squad car, their lights flashing as they raced to the highway. 

“They found Bryan, but the kids not with him,” Jackson spoke slowly and Jaebum felt his heart drop. 

“Fuck, where did they find the creep?”

“A BOLO was put out on his tags, he was parked at a fucking Walmart,” Jackson explained, clenching his fist. 

“What was he buying?” Jaebum dreaded the answer. 

If he’d killed the kid and was planning to- he was going to be sick. 

“teddy bears and condoms,” Jackson took a deep breath and Jaebum clenched his fists over the steering wheel. He redoubled his efforts, hoping that he’d been right about his hunch and that the boy was still okay. 

Jaebum pulled up to the county property, the tires of the car rumbling over the gravel. 

He pushed open his door, his hand on his gun as he made his way towards the dilapidated building. 

Whenever Bryan wanted to lay low, he came to this place, tried to convince them that he was working on renovating the old shack instead of cooking up meth. 

He tapped on the door, calling out his position before kicking the door open, watching as it rebounded off its hinges and nearly came off.

He could hear soft crying and he took a deep breath as he ventured further into the modular home. 

“Kunpimook?” Jackson called out, his voice softer still and the little boy looked up, his face tear-stained and frightened.


	3. Emergency Placement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Im's have a child placed in their house and Jackson finds Kunpimook a new home.

“Jaebummie! You said you were coming to have lunch with me today, are you being distracted by your work husband?” Jinyoung teased into the phone, hanging up one last article of clothing before shutting the door behind him. 

He was headed off to pick up Yugyeom and Youngjae from their after school care-- Jinyoung’s Mom-- before heading home. 

“Wait, what’s wrong?” Jinyoung asked, finally hearing the heavy silence from his husband’s side of the call. 

They had been fine this morning when Jaebum left leaving him with a teasing kiss and the promise of getting lunch together today. 

He didn’t show up or answer Jinyoung’s text, and he figured that it was probably a work thing, or that he’d gotten caught up in paperwork. 

By the time Jinyoung had gotten off of lunch and began to teach his rowdy fourth-period class, he’d forgotten all about it. 

But now it was in his face, staring him down horribly, and he realized that now was not the time for jokes. 

“Is Jackson alright? Are you alright?” He asked into the phone, his hands shaking as he unlocked his car doors and got in, barely getting a seat belt on before he was out of the parking lot. 

“I’m- we’re fine, don’t worry. Do you think you could bring some of Yugyeom’s clothes down to the hospital?” Jaebum asked softly and Jinyoung sighed.

“I’ll be there in twenty, hold on, I’ve got to call my mom, I love you,” He ended the phone call like he always did and he could barely hear Jaebum’s beleaguered re5r4sponse as he hung up. 

_ “I love you too.”  _

Jinyoung stepped into the hospital, Yugyeom’s Minion’s duffle bag filled with the kid's clothing. The five-year-old was growing like a weed and was already at Jinyoung’s hip now. 

He felt like next time he blinked, the boy was going to be sixteen and taller than him and Jaebum both. 

He was already taller than Youngjae, their oldest by a year, and he didn’t show any signs of stopping. 

“Jaebum!” Jinyoung called, spotting the cop huddled around a hospital door. Jackson was standing beside him, his arms folded, his face grim as he stared into the room. 

“What are the clothes for?” JInyoung asked as he walked up to the man, feeling winded even though he barely even ran. 

He peeked into the room over his shoulder and was met by large round brown eyes staring at him behind a thin face.

the boy was thin, and there were bruises on his face, but none of them seemed too bad. 

It was the ones’ that led over his bare arms and up his matchstick legs that alarmed him. 

“What happened?” JInyoung asked, watching as the thin boy slept. Yugyeom’s clothes were too big for the boy, but they still covered him enough and Jinyoung was glad that he’d chosen a sweater from last year. It fit him well enough and shielded him from the chill of the hospital room. 

“His mother traded him for drugs,” Jaebum spoke harshly, his words clipped and Jinyoung looked back at that small boy. 

“Where is he going to go?” 

Jinyoung looked up at his husband and he could see the look in his eyes. 

“No, no Jaebum, he cannot come home with us, we’ve already got two boys, we don’t even have the space, especially not with Yugyeom and his tantrums, we can’t- we can’t foster another kid.”

Jinyoung was sympathetic, but he knew his limits. 

There was no way they’d even allow them to foster the kid, and Jinyoung knew his heart. 

He’d get too attached, and he couldn’t do that, get attached to a boy, and then watch the boy get taken from him. 

“Where else is he going to go Jinyoung?” Jaebum asked and Jinyoung watched as Jackson fiddled with his phone. 

“Just for the night, please Nyoungie, just for the night until we can get him a better placement,” Jaebum begged and Jinyoung sighed, knowing that they’d already found a better placement for the boy.

Jackson watched as the boy clutched the Minions backpack to his chest, his hands clawing at the blue straps like it was a lifeline. 

The ride from Jinyoung’s to their place had been tense, the boy not being able to stop himself from switching between Thai and English. He’d spent what Jinyoung explained was a sleepless night at their place, not being able to settle down, which led to Yugyeom and Youngjae being up all night, and it just wasn’t a good time for the man.

Kunpimook seemed to get along with the other kids, and that was good, meant that maybe there was some hope restoring some normalcy back to the kid. Kids were resilient.

“Do- when does Noo have to do what lung taught noo?” The little boy asked and he bit his lip, unsure what to say to the kid. 

“You don’t- you don’t have to do that,” Jackson spoke even as his voice was uneven and he felt he was going to cry. 

He hated to watch others suffer, and children- he’d seen his fair share of hurt children and it made him sick. 

“Is Noo being sent back to mae then?” The boy’s eyes were so wide and Jackson could feel the tears coming. 

“Noo- who is noo?” Jackson asked.

The boy pointed to himself and Jackson sighed. 

“Noo doesn’t have to do that, Noo’s going to stay with Me and Mark for a while,” Jackson explained patiently and the boy giggled.

“No, Noo,” The boy pointed to himself before pointing at Jackson “Lung,” He explained and he nodded. 

“What does Lung mean?” He imitated the intonation and the kid nodded. 

“Lung means uncle, and noo is me,” The boy explained and Jackson nodded.

“Alright, well, would you like to eat something before bed?” Jackson asked the boy and he shook his head. 

“I’m tired, Lung gave me a fizzy drink that made my heart beat fast and noo couldn’t sleep,” the boy yawned and Mark held his hand out to the boy. 

“Come on then, let’s get you to bed,” He explained, leading the boy upstairs, leaving with a backward glance at Jackson.

As soon as the boy was gone, Jackson leaned himself against the wall, his head pressed into the plaster as he finally let go. 

He felt thin arms wrap around his waist and a chest press against his chest before a kiss was pressed into his temple. 

“Gaga, come on, don’t cry,” Mark soothed and Jackson sobbed, his whole body shaking because that was just a kid, and how could someone do that to a kid. 

“I’m sorry- I should- I should be immune to this by now, I shouldn’t- I shouldn’t care, but I can’t- How could-” He broke out into a deeper sob.

“It’s good that you care, I'd be worried if you didn’t care. What happened to that kid fucking sucks, and I can’t- I can’t- I wish I could have been in that room with Bryan by myself, but- it’s okay, he’s going to be okay now, we’re going to help him, it’s okay,” Mark soothed and Jackson just let his tears empty against the plaster, wishing he could just quit, but knowing why he never would.


	4. Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bambam decides to join the prison penpal project.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is an age skip.   
> Bambam is now fifteen

Bambam was a resourceful fifteen-year-old. He always had to tell his fathers that. He could walk home from school by himself, he could make pad thai in the kitchen for his family and he could walk to the store by himself. He wasn’t allowed to do things most fifteen-year-olds were allowed to do. He was fifteen years old, he knew the stove was too hot to touch, and not to let strangers in the house. He could be trusted to stay home for a while, and he could be trusted to go somewhere and come back home, no loitering and lingering. 

But- that wasn’t the case, that wasn’t the case at all.

His fathers kept him on a tight leash, stopping him from going anywhere fun or doing anything fun. 

The most he could do was stay over at his play cousins’ house-- not real cousin because that was an important distinction-- but that wasn’t any fun either. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy his fathers' love and coddling, it’s just that, well he felt stifled sometimes. He felt like he was being smothered, that he needed room to breathe. 

He knew why his parents were the way they were, he knew that he wasn’t always with them, but that he used to have a Mae, but that- that was how it was with Yugyeom too, his parents didn’t always have him, but they let him do stuff like stay home by himself- well nearly by himself Youngjae had to be home-- but still. They weren’t always calling him, telling him what to do, where to be, telling him to get home. 

He didn’t understand why his family treated him like such a baby.

He barely remembered his time with Mae, but he knew she never treated him like such a baby.

But Bambam guessed that was what it was like when both of your fathers were cops, you weren’t allowed to do anything because they’d seen the worst of the worst, and they’d be damned if their kid got hurt by it. 

Bambam understood the sentiment, and he understood why they were like that-- he just wished he had a little more freedom, that’s all. 

“You grow anymore Im Yugyeom, and I’m taking off your kneecaps,” Bambam complained as he flopped back on the boy's bed, shooting a text to his fathers that yes he was safe, and yes he was at the Im Park residence, and yes Youngjae was there to babysit. 

“Grow some more and leave my kneecaps out of it,” Yugyeom whined and Bambam rolled over on his stomach to look at the taller boy.

Yugyeom and Bambam were inseparable ever since Bambam first came to live with his fathers. Where one went, the other would soon follow. 

“We should get some homework done, right?” Yugyeom asked, even though he was leaning up for an entirely different reason. 

The boys had done this before-- kissed-- when no one was around. They were boyfriends, or at least that was how they had called it, it wasn’t like they actually got to go out on dates, because Youngjae had to be there whenever they went anywhere because Yugyeom was still fourteen, and couldn’t be trusted out by himself, but they were boyfriends. They held hands after class, passed notes during class, and always took their lunch together. 

Bambam liked kissing Yugyeom.

He was bigger than Bambam, his hands big and warm and it reminded him of his fathers, protective and sweet. 

“Yah! why is it so quiet in there?” Youngjae pounded on the door and Yugyeom pushed Bambam away from him slightly before clearing his throat. 

“We’re just doing homework!” Yugyeom called and he heard Youngjae grab the door handle.

“Why is your door locked?” 

“You locked the door?” Yugyeom hissed at Bambam and he just shrugged. 

Yugyeom pushed off the bed, unlocking the door as he rubbed at his red cheeks. 

“Don’t lock the doors, you know how appa feels about locked doors!” Youngjae scolded and Yugyeom rolled his eyes at the boy, his hand on his hips. 

“It’s just me and Bam,” He whined. 

“Yeah, I know, keep the door unlocked, You two aren’t doing anything on my watch,” 

“You’re only a year older than me,” Yugyeom complained and Youngjae rolled his eyes before heading down the hallway.

“We should really get started on the project, huh?” He asked and Bambam grabbed his backpack, pulling it onto the bed. 

He opened his agenda, pulling out the address that he was supposed to be writing to. 

They were learning about the justice system in his intro sociology class, and extra credit was being provided for those who went beyond and wrote letters to the prisoners. 

Bambam didn’t mind the idea of it, he imagined it’d be lonely to be locked up for 22 hours a day, and not be able to do anything that you wanted to do. 

He had his own little taste of it at home, and he could empathize with the feeling of being caged.

He’d picked a big burly biker looking guy because he figured that he’d have the most interesting stories and because Jungkook made the joke about Bambam looking for a daddy, and it’d made Yugyeom jealous, so he had to do it. 

“Do you think they vet these people?” Yugyeom asked, flipping his picture of a skinny black woman.

“What, are you afraid you’re going to be talking to an ax murderer, didn’t Ms. Silverstein say that all of the convicts had drug-related charges?” Bambam asked and Yugyeom shrugged.

To be honest, he couldn’t say that he’d been particularly listening today, more worried about lunch. 

“Bryan Smith, what a generic name, those always seem to be the wackadoos,” Bambam spoke offhandedly before digging into his backpack for a sparkly gel pen. 

It’d probably help to have some kind of color in such a bleak place.

“Are you going to spray it with perfume too,” Yugyeom teased and he tossed one of his long legs out to kick the boy in the kidney, efficiently toppling him off of the bed. 

“Hey! what was that noise!” Youngjae shouted from down the hall.

“Do you want us to be quiet, or do you want us to be loud? Make up your mind!” Yugyeom yelled back through the wall.

_ Dear Bryan, _

_ I am a student from Mrs. Silverstein’s Introduction to Sociology class. We’re learning about the justice system and mass incarceration. From my understanding, many people are incarcerated for things that are out of their control, or incarcerated for unnecessarily long amounts of time. I imagine it gets lonely in there, and that you miss out on crucial socialization. I understand that my parents are pretty strict, and are constantly watching me like a hawk. It’s exhausting. I’m sure that it’s worse in prison, but it’s a similar feeling we all can understand. I’m a ninth-grader, but I’m fifteen, so I'm a little older than all of my friends. I live with my two dads, who are both detectives, so it’s kind of hard to really breathe and learn how to be myself. I’m Thai, but I feel culturally Chinese because both of my parents are Chinese. My dream is to either open up a restaurant, or become a model, but my best friend says that I'm too short for that. Tell me about yourself, what you like to do as a hobby, do you have a best friend in prison too? _

_ I hope that your days aren’t too long and that you are safe,  _

_ Write back soon, _

_ Bambam (Bai Mu) Wang-Tuan. _


	5. Regular Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark and Jackson have a normal noght at home with Bambam

Mark heard his son come through the front door and he looked down at his phone. 

He and Jackson didn’t often get time to have dinner with each other and Bam, because they often worked long hours and it seemed like each man were constantly on call. 

Tonight though, Jackson was on call, but home and they’d get to have dinner together, and their son was right on time. Bambam always made a point to be home for family dinners, even if he had eaten beforehand. He loved that about his son, that he was so family-oriented. 

“Baba Mark?” Bambam called and he poked his head out of the door.

“I’m in the kitchen, did you eat dinner?” He asked and the boy came bopping into the kitchen, dumping his backpack into a chair before hopping onto the counter.

“No, Jinyoung had papers to grade and Jaebum was at work,” Bambam supplied, leaning over the pot to see what Mark was making. 

“Get your head out of there!” He scolded, and Bambam leaned away with a laugh. 

“Fun Baba! serious baba is being mean to me!” Bambam called and Jackson came bounding down the stairs like a puppy. 

Mark loved his husband, he loved the little family that he carved out for himself, and he loved that even though all of the serious shit that he had to go through at work, all the murder and drugs, and pain, that he could come home to this, his husband and his only son. 

Truthfully, he and Jackson had never really talked about having children. It wasn’t something that they thought they could make work. Jackson had been studying so hard to become a detective, and Mark already worked long hours, they couldn’t even take care of a pet, much less a child, but Mark knew he was supposed to be their son as they found the boy, it didn’t matter, he was theirs.

“What are you wearing?” Jackson asked the teen and Mark surveyed their son. 

He knew that they were kind of strict with him, it was just- with his past, they couldn’t help it. The boy never seemed to want to talk about his kidnapping, and it sometimes seemed like he didn’t even know he’d been taken. They just- they wanted to make him safe, to keep him away from all the bad in the world, he’d seen so much, who could blame them for wanting to shelter him from it all. 

“Jeans and a t-shirt,” the boy said, looking down at the basically sheer shirt he was wearing and the jeans with more fabric missing than was actually present. 

“Where are your jeans? all I see is skin,” Jackson scolded and Bambam rolled his eyes, leaning onto Mark’s shoulders. 

“Tell him that there is nothing wrong with my pants baba,” Bambam begged and Mark raised an eyebrow. 

He knew it was hypocritical, he and Jackson had not been modest men in their early twenties, much less their early teens, but that was them, and not their son. 

“it’s a little risque bug,” Mark agreed and Bambam huffed. 

“You two are so lame, it’s the style,” Bambam appealed and Jackson scoffed. 

“It’s the style to wear assless chaps to school?” Jackson challenged. 

“They’re not assless,” Bambam tried to explain. 

“Yeah, only cause you don’t have an ass, and watch your mouth,” Jackson admonished and the boy groaned. 

“They are just pants, it’s not even a big deal.”

“Did the school send any notes home?” Mark asked the teen and his face reddened.

“They unfairly pick on me, the girls get to wear short shorts, but when I do it, it’s ‘offensive’,” He folded his arms and Mark took the notes. 

“That’s the fourth infraction, one more and they’re going to suspend you, come on Bai Mu, we’ve been over this before, not at school,” Mark scolded, quietly but no less severe. “Yeah, and not at home either, what do you want me to do, wear a floor-length turtleneck? They’re stifling my gender expression, I can’t be like Youngjae and just wear basketball shorts all the time, I can’t pull off student-athlete chic, it’s hideous,” He complained and Mark tried to hold in his laughter.

“Look, it’s fine if you want to express your gender in different ways, but maybe try to adhere to the dress code? because those pants aren’t okay for any gender,” Mark explained and Bambam scoffed again. 

"What do you think is going to happen, someone's going to just snatch me up like Hansel and Gretel because I’m wearing ripped jeans?” Bambam asked and Jackson opened his mouth like he was going to say something. 

“Hansel and Gretel weren’t snatched, they were lured, now go change so we can have dinner,” Mark covered and the boy stomped up the stairs muttering under his breath about unfair rules. 

Mark gave his husband a look and Jackson put his hands up. 

“I wasn’t going to say anything,” He tried to clear his name and Mark just raised his eyebrow. 

“Look, I don’t care if he never knows, it’s better if he doesn’t know in my opinion,” Jackson explained and Mark bit his lip, looking up at the stairs. 

“He should- he should remember something from that, right, like you shouldn’t just forget your whole childhood just like that, that’s not good.” Mark hissed, and Jackson shook his head. 

“It's better that way, don't you think? Could you imagine him remembering and being fucked up because of it? Him remembering being left alone all the damn time, and feeling unloved, it’s better this way,” Jackson tried to convince him and he sighed, knowing that this wasn’t the last time they’d have this fight. Jackson had a point, and Mark knew it, their kid was healthy and happy, if not a little confused at the strictness his family laid on him. It wouldn’t do any good to dredge up that old stuff, especially since the perpetrators were all locked up and in no risk of bringing harm to him. 

Bambam came running back downstairs wearing track pants and a t-shirt from a department fundraiser that the kid had gotten from Jackson by the looks of it. It swamped his frame, reminding Mark of the little boy that stood in their doorway that day, fingers clutching a minions backpack, and a sweater two sizes too big for him, draping his frame. “What’s for dinner tonight? please something greasy, I don’t want anything organic tonight,” the boy complained and Mark laughed, putting the hamburgers on his plate. 

“So, how was school?” Mark asked and Bambam wiped his fingers on his napkin.

“It was fine, We got our penpals today,” Bambam stated. 

“We?” Jackson asked. 

“Well the class, not me, I have to do an alternative assignment, have to watch documentaries and do papers about them, really, I don’t see why you didn’t let me write to anyone, what’s the harm?” 

“You’re an underaged kid, I don’t think you should have contact with convicted felons,” Jackson explained, not too nicely. 

“So, they’re all drug violations, it’s not even a big deal, besides, some of them, it’s not their faults they were locked up. Like Yugyeom’s penpal, Tina Washington, all she had was weed on her, it wasn’t even that bad of a thing, but because of the three-strikes law, she’s locked up for the rest of her life,” Bambam spoke excitedly. 

“Well, when you become a lawyer, you can fix that,” Mark pointed out and Bambam scoffed. 

“I’m not going to be a lawyer, I’m going to be a model, duh Baba do you even listen?” the boy pouted and Mark just watched after him, shaking his head slightly.

“Don’t forget, you have therapy tomorrow afternoon, so no Yugyeom,” Jackson reminded and the boy rolled his eyes. 

“Yeah yeah, I know, I know.” He muttered before getting more mashed potatoes.

  
  



	6. Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bambam gets a letter from Bryan and Jinyoung tries to convince Yugyeom to stop giving Bambam his clothes

Bambam stood in the back of the classroom, sifting through the mail until he found his name. 

“Get mine too,” Yugyeom called and Bambam nodded, putting the stack down to pick up another. 

Yugyeom was lucky that one of his dads was a teacher who was all about knowledge and open-mindedness or he bet that the boy would be in the same boat as him, Jinyoung may act mean towards the boy sometimes, but Bambam knew that the man loved yugyeom with all of his heart. 

It was a different story with him and Bambam though. 

It was like the man was holding some sort of grudge or something against him, and he didn’t know what it could be. 

The man was like his uncle, and he never acting outright rude, but he could feel that there was a coldness there that hadn’t had the chance to thaw, and he didn’t know when it started. 

“Did you find mine yet?” Yugyeom asked, pressing his front along Bambam’s back. 

He’d been wearing the boy’s hoodie to keep from getting his fifth infraction.

The back of his shirt was see-through, and Yugyeom caught it before a teacher had and demanded he cover up before he got another citation.

“Yeah, here,” He handed over the letter to the boy before tearing into his own. 

He knew that forging his Baba’s signature was not good, but he wanted to do something on his own at least once, and he was not about to watch the documentaries and analyze them for an extra credit assignment when he could just communicate and learn about someone else through real thoughts. 

He was like his fathers in that way, he liked learning about people, which surprised him when they told him that he couldn't do the assignment. 

_ Hello Bambam, _

_ I’m guessing you prefer to be called Bambam. Is that from the flintstones cartoon? It’s nice to see that you are learning about the justice system, hopefully that means you never find yourself here. Although with two cops for parents, I can’t imagine you having the chance. Thank you for the letter, it was the highlight of my day, and thanks for not being high and mighty, some of the other inmates told me they were cussed out in their letters for being bad people. so thanks for talking to me like a human, I don’t get a lot of that around here. I think that freedom is an important part in growing up, and being human. Your parents lock people up for a living, so they probably don’t always see the sentiment. I know a lot of people in here, who ended up in here because they lacked freedom in their lives, so take your freedom anyway you can, so you aren’t locked up mentally. I don’t have any hobbies and the closest thing I had to a best friend was released two months ago, so I’m on my own. I think you should follow your dreams, even if your friend thinks you’re too short. Beats being locked up. _

_ Write soon, _

_ Bryan Smith _

_ PS- thanks for the pink gel pen, it was a nice pop of color. _

Bambam read the letter again before looking over at Yugyeom. 

“What did Tina say?” He asked the boy distractedly. 

“Just telling me about her daily routine, nothing too bad, did you ask him what he did?” Yugyeom asked and Bambam scoffed. 

“No, did you ask here?” He asked the taller boy.

‘Of course, I don’t want to be writing to a murderer,” Yugyeom complained. 

“You can’t just ask people what they did to get locked up, that’s rude,” Bambam scolded before leaning into the boy. 

“But what did she do?” He asked and Yugyeom shrugged.

“She said it was her boyfriends weed, and when she wouldn’t flip on him, they flipped her,” Yugyeom relayed before leaning into the smaller boy. 

“Promise me that you’ll never let them pin your weed on me,” Yugyeom teased and Bambam pushed him off. 

He couldn’t imagine not having Yugyeom next to him every day. 

He didn’t know how Bryan did it.

Jinyoung watched as his youngest son dumped his stuff in front of the door before running upstairs. 

“Im Yugyeom!” he called a little more impatiently than he meant. 

He couldn’t help it, it was getting harder running a household by himself with Jaebum constantly at work, especially trying to raise two teens, one of which had ‘emotional’ problems. 

Yugyeom had mostly ‘grown’ out of the temper tantrums that he’d had as a child, but that was not saying that they didn’t still affect him, and when they did, they were pretty bad. 

he had to deal with high schoolers all day only to come home to deal with his own temperamental and moody teens.

And to think Yugyeom still had three more years of high school.

“What?” the boy called from upstairs and Jinyoung clenched his fist.

“Excuse me?” He called, leveling his voice and the boy’s head peeked around the corner. “Yes, Appa?” He corrected and Jinyoung sighed. 

“Will you come help me with dinner?” Jinyoung asked and the boy sighed, bouncing back down the stairs, his head ducked as he stared at his phone. 

He was always on his phone these days. 

“Why isn’t Youngjae Hyung helping?” He huffed, flopping onto the counter with ease. 

The boy was getting taller and taller. He was nearly taller than Jinyoung, and still had a couple of years left of growing. 

“He’s still at piano practice, now get down and help me,” He swatted at the boy who put his phone in his pocket and slid off of the counter to help Jinyoung. 

“I’m home!” Youngjae called and Jinyoung smiled despite himself at the loud child. He could hear the boy stumble and groan. 

“Yugyeom! I’m going to kill you!” youngjae called and yugyeom laughed, covering his mouth, a tendency he’d picked up from Jinyoung. 

“You should watch where you’re going hyung,” yugyeom called and Youngjae scoffed.

“You should pick up your stuff from in front of the door, what if it had been Abeoji who tripped? Then what?” yugyeom's laughter sobered a little and Jinyoung laughed.

“Then he would have jutted that stupid chin of his out and said 'yah Im Yugyeom! What did I tell you! Do you think I'm easy!” Jinyoung imitated his husband and the boys laughed along.

They set the table before sitting down, Jinyoung staring at Jaebum’s empty seat with a little derision.

He did miss his husband being home, but it was nothing new, and he’d gone through worst than awkward family dinners without Jaebum around.

“Yugyeom, if I have to tell you to put that phone up one more time at the dinner table, I’m going to take it,” Jinyoung threatened and Yugyeom sighed, putting the phone face down and poking at his meal before looking up at his Appa. 

“Can I be excused then?” He asked and Jinyoung raised an eyebrow.

“What’s so important on that phone that you don’t want to eat?” Jinyoung asked and Youngjae grabbed the boy’s bowl. 

“If he doesn’t want to eat it, I will, it’s not like he needs the help getting any taller,” Youngjae teased and Yugyeom elbowed the older boy to get him away from his plate. 

“Nothing, I’m just not hungry,” Yugyeom lied and youngjae snorted. 

“He’s talking to  _ Bambam _ ,” He teased and yugyeom punched the boy in the side. 

“Leave me alone,” Yugyeom pouted. 

“Where’s your sweater?” Jinyoung asked the boy and Yugyeom shrugged. 

“Bambam needed it so he wouldn’t get in trouble at school today,” he muttered, his face red as he played with his silverware. 

Jinyoung frowned at that. 

It wasn’t that he had a problem with Bambam, he’d taken the boy into his house on that first night, he’d helped to deal with the aftermath of what had happened to him. 

He’d loved that boy, loved him like his own son.

It was just- he wasn’t stupid.

Jinyoung had made his living working around children, he loved children.

He loved them, and he knew them. 

He knew when they were lying to him, and he knew when something wasn’t right. 

Both of those things were happening here. 

He knew that Bambam and Yugyeom were up to no good, he knew it in the way they looked at each other when they thought they were being subtle-- news flash, they weren’t-- and he was worried. 

Bambam wasn’t a bad kid, even if he was somewhat of a trouble instigator when it came to Yugyeom, but he was a kid who’d had immense trauma, and hadn’t dealt with it yet.

Mark and Jackson always begged him to leave it alone, and he knew he should, Bambam wasn’t their child, and he didn’t have the right to say anything to him that his parents wouldn’t.

But it made him nervous, and as much as he tried, he couldn’t stop looking at the boy like he was a ticking timebomb, only a moment’s notice from blowing up his son. 

He worried is all. 

“Your father and I don’t pay to fund Bambam’s closet, stop giving him all of your clothes before you end up naked,” He admonished and youngjae snickered. 

“Like that would bother the two freaks, do you remember when they were eight and ran into the living room while we had company completely butt-naked, dancing to a Britney spears song?” Youngjae egged on and Yugyeom flicked the elder in the forehead, causing dinner to dissolve into chaos. 

Jinyoung really needed Jaebum here. 


	7. Write Soon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bambam goes to therapy and writes Bryan

Bambam sat in therapy, his hands playing with the glittery sand that the woman had next to her desk. He always thought the texture was strange, but it left his hands glittery and his mind at peace. 

“How are things at school?” She asked and he shrugged, picking up the container holding the pink sand. 

“It’s fine, my grades are fine,” He explained and the woman nodded, leaning forward. 

“I heard you’ve had some problems with the school dress code,” His therapist asked and he looked up at her. 

“It’s not fair, we don’t have a uniform, so I don’t understand why I can’t wear what I want to wear to school,” He explained and she nodded before writing something down. 

“Was it outright discrimination, or dumb policy?” She asked and he shrugged. Bambam knew why the school said those things, and why he got citations, he knew it wasn’t a 'him' thing, but it still felt bad, to have someone stifle him. He knew the rules when he broke them. 

Something in him didn’t like it when people told him what to do. 

He was resourceful after all, independent and he hated it when people treated him otherwise. 

“Let’s talk about something else, huh? How are you and Yugyeom doing?” Dr. Marsh asked and he blushed. 

“We’re good, we’re still good,” Bambam blushed. 

“and have you two moved on past handholding?” She asked and he blushed. 

“I’m- you’re not going to tell my dads are you?” He asked and she sighed, putting her book down. 

“Haven’t I told you Bambam, I’m not here to get you in trouble. I won’t tell your parents or anyone else anything you say here unless it’s a crime, or it’s something that’s going to hurt you or someone else,” She explained and he nodded. 

“We’ve uh- we’ve kissed now,” He blushed, trying to hide his cheeks behind his hands, doing nothing but getting the glitter all over his face. 

“Have you two discussed having sex?” She asked and he shook his head. 

“No- no, of course not.” 

He wasn’t sure he even wanted to have sex with Yugyeom, he had this weird feeling any time he even thought about his large hands touching him in intimate places. It was a weird mix between excitement and shame that made him want to throw up. He wasn’t even comfortable watching somewhat racy scenes in movies, he’d had to turn during _The Notebook_. 

“That’s good, I don’t think given your situation, it wouldn’t be good for either of you to engage in that sort of thing,” She always said things like that to him ‘given your situation’. 

He’d wanted to question what she’d meant by that, what situation, but then it felt like it wasn’t a worthwhile thing to ask. 

He knew what kind of situation he was in, he didn’t need the elaboration. 

He was adopted, he was in therapy for God’s sake, he was dating his almost cousin, his fathers were so strict they’d probably send him off to military school, Jinyoung hated him.

There were a million reasons that he was not okay. 

Bambam dropped down onto his bed, his phone on speakerphone already as he reached into his backpack, pulling out his set of gel pens and notebook. 

“How was therapy?” Yugyeom asked and Bambam shrugged before chewing on the end of his pen. 

“The same as always, we talked about school and home life, and you,” Bambam explained. 

“I hate therapy nights, I wish we could hang out,” Yugyeom whined and Bambam smiled. 

They were nearly always together, either at Yugyeom’s house or at Bambam’s when his dads were there. The only times that they couldn’t hang out were therapy nights. Yugyeom had therapy on the first and third Tuesday of the month and Bambam had therapy every other Thursday and a family session once a month. 

“It’s okay, we can spend the whole weekend together, we’ll have a sleepover at your house,” Bambam explained testing out the pen colors. 

“Or, we can have one at your house, Appa’s off this weekend, and you know that means that they’re going to be home all weekend, and Youngjae never goes out if appa’s home,” Yugyeom complained. 

“My dads are on call this weekend though,” Bambam explained, starting the letter.

“Yeah, which means we’ll have the house to ourselves,” Yugyeom teased and Bambam felt that familiar rollercoaster of shame and excitement. 

He bit back bile.

“We’ll see, have you started your next letter?” Bambam asked and he heard Yugyeom shifted on the bed, probably pulling out his homework. 

“Not yet, but I’ll get to it, you know, you don’t have to write them back as soon as they write you.”

“Are you jealous?” Bambam teased.

“Of what?” Yugyeom teased and Bambam nearly rolled over on the bed, ready to discard the letter, but he stayed upright, determined to finish the letter. 

“Of me writing to a big burly man,” Bambam goaded and Yugyeom scoffed. 

“Oh shut up,” Yugyeom spat, trying not to seem angry. 

Bambam made an appeasing noise, cooing into the receiver of how the boy was the only one for him as he finished the letter. 

There was a knock on his door and Bambam looked up to see Baba Jackson standing at the door. 

“Hey bug, what are you doing?” He asked and bambam shrugged. 

“Just doing some homework,” Bambam explained. 

“Then what’s Yugyeom doing on the phone?” 

“We’re talking about the documentary that I had to watch for the project,” I lied and Yugyeom cleared his throat. 

“I personally think that kids shouldn’t be locked up for life, however, the cases they presented, really were polarizing,” Yugyeom huffed, doing his best to sound like he’d actually watched the documentary. 

“Do you need any help?” Jackson asked and Bambam shook his head.

“No thanks Baba, I’ve got it. Good night.” 

“Good night, off the phone in ten,” He reminded the boy and Bambam nodded, letting Jackson kiss him on the forehead before waving at him as he left. 

“I guess we better wrap it off, I’ve got to do this homework,” Bambam spoke, rolling over onto his stomach, the letter finished and ready to talk to his boyfriend.\

_ Hi Bryan! _

_ Thank you so much for the letter, I’m glad that I can help you feel better.  _

_ I’m sorry that the other kids were treating the other inmates mean. I don’t know why other people think it’s up to them to tell other people about themselves. I don’t understand why people think it’s okay to judge. I’ve had people judge me for having two dads, and for liking boys and it sucks... _

_ I hope you aren’t like homophobic or anything because then this letter writing thing probably won’t last very long… I hope not, because I like talking to you.  _

_ I think you’re right, about taking freedom for myself, in the little things. I bet that’s what the preacher's kids go through, or child stars, they are so restricted that they just burst. I don’t want to burst, so I’m going to do something just for me. I’m thinking about dying my hair… or maybe just a little bit, my dad’s probably won’t let me dye all of it. Freedom, one little thing at a time. _

_ I’m sorry that you don’t have any friends, life is hard enough, I can’t imagine it without someone on your side. So, I’m going to fix that, I’m going to be your best friend so that you don’t have to be alone. I hope you find happiness in our friendship. _

_ That’s all for now,  _

_ Stay safe, _

_ Bambam. _

_ P.S Yes, my name is a flintstones reference, not a lot of the kids get it. My baba said that I was a strong little boy, so they named me bambam. _

_ P.P.S I’m glad you liked the gel pen color, I think colors are great mood changers. Just tell me what your least favorite color is, so I don’t send you a letter in it. _

_ Write Soon. _


	8. Uncomfortable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bambam does his first act of rebellion

Yugyeom watched his boyfriend walk into the classroom, his backpack hanging off of his shoulder in a way that was too neat to not be on purpose. He traced his eyes over the outfit, wondering which part of his outfit he was going to shed today. 

Yugyeom always carried extra clothes in his backpack, just in case Bambam decided that the dress code was just too lame to follow. 

He wished he had the same type of bravery to be like Bambam, to wear whatever he wanted to wear without fear of being laughed at, but he knew he didn’t. He liked to pretend that he could do that, be fearless and cool in front of Bambam, but in the classes that they didn’t have together, it took a lot for him to even raise his hand. 

Yugyeom sighed in relief as he realized that his boyfriend was dress code compliant today and that he didn’t have to shed his bulls jersey, because he really liked it, and he knew that it wouldn’t find itself back home if that were the case. 

“Hey, Gyeomie!” Bambam waved, jogging to the boy and ducking under Yugyeom’s arm until he was hugged to his chest. 

Yugyeom smiled down at the boy, taking in his somewhat normal outfit before raising an eyebrow. 

“So, No cutouts, peekaboos, or mesh?” He asked and Bambam rolled his eyes. 

“Oh shut it, I’m playing it cool, because I really need to get on my baba’s good sides.” 

“What are we going to do?” Yugyeom asked and Bambam just gave him a sweet smile which meant that it would probably get him grounded.

If you asked Yugyeom’s parents, Bambam was the troublemaker, if you asked Bambam’s parents, it was Yugyeom.

If you asked Youngjae, both of them were heinous and he wished he were an only child. 

Yugyeom believed that Youngjae was the only person who got it right-- well not about being an only child, yugyeom very much liked being an im-- they both egged each other and Yugyeom knew that no matter what, he was going to help Bambam do whatever it was that he was planning. 

“Oh wait,” Bambam exclaimed, untangling from Yugyeom to put an envelope in the letterbox that the teacher had set up before dropping down in his seat beside Yugyeom as the warning bell rang, alerting them that class was about to start. 

_ Me: We still on for tonite? _

_ Bammie!!!!!!😘😘😘 Of course!!! 😉😉😉 _

_ Me: do mark and Jackson know I'm coming? _

_ Bammie!!!!!!😘😘😘: Yeah, I have to call them every hour once they leave, and have to be in bed by midnight… it sucks. Are you sure we can't go to your house?????????¿¿¿¿?????? _

_ Me: and hva youngjae and abeoji all in my business, hell no, besides, I'm really looking forward to being all alone wit u _

_ Bammie!!!!!!😘😘😘: Really¿¿?? Whyyyyyy, whatchu tryna do????? 😋😋😋💦💦🔥🔥🔞🔞👅 _

_ Me: ur a fucking nightmare, u Kno that? _

Yugyeom heard someone call his name and he looked up at his teacher who was gesturing for his phone. 

he sighed and handed it over to her, shooting a glare at his boyfriend who had managed to hide his phone in the nick of time. 

“I hate you,” Yugyeom whispered to the boy beside him before slipping down in his seat, hoping that his teacher would be merciful enough to return his phone at the end of the class period rather than wait until the end of the day, or even worse, make him wait for one of his dad’s to come to get it. 

Lord knows, he didn’t want Im Jaebum to come up to the school to retrieve his phone on one of his sparse days off, or even worse, Jinyoung.

Yugyeom nearly shuddered at the thought of his father punishing him, he had the habit of pinching Yugyeom’s ears, which didn’t make sense to him, with the dinner plates that his dad called ears, Yugyeom would think he would be more forgiving with Yugyeom’s ears.

“Don’t be mad at me, please! I didn’t think you’d get caught,” Bambam teased, hanging off of the boy's shoulder as they walked the halls. 

The woman decided that having his phone for the class period wasn’t long enough and that he should have learned his lesson by going without it until lunch.

“What am I supposed to do in health?” he pouted and Bambam leaned into his shoulder. 

“You could pay attention?” Jungkook offered from Yugyeom’s other side and Yugyeom scoffed, looking over at his other best friend.

“Like I need to pay attention in that class, Cigarettes give you cancer, steroids shrink your balls and deodorant is your best friend, see, I could pass the final right now,” Yugyeom pouted and Bambam laughed, leaning into the boy's shoulder even farther as he nearly fell over. 

Yugyeom righted him, looking down the hallway, wondering if they were being too loud and drawing too much attention to themselves. 

Bambam tended to draw attention to himself whereas Yugyeom didn’t mind if everyone kept their distance. Jungkook was a lot like Yugyeom in that respect too, because he didn’t really attract people’s attention very easily.

“There is something you could learn in health, the best part-- sex ed,” Jungkook teased and Yugyeom scrunched his nose up. 

“You’re such a pervert, you’re just like your dad,” Bambam groaned.

“You mean the dad who your dad had a crush on,” Jungkook teased and Bambam pushed the boy before leaning into Yugyeom. 

“I regret this friendship, I’m heading to class, see you after school gyeomie, see you in hell Kim Jungkook!” Bambam waved, leaving their conversation and heading into his classroom. 

Yugyeom followed the boy into the health classroom, wishing he had his phone with him. 

“So are you and Bambam going to do it tonight?” Jungkook asked and I rolled my eyes. 

“No, you know Bambam’s not really… into that kind of stuff,” Yugyeom answered, rolling his pencil across his desk. 

Bambam clammed up after kissing most nights, and those texts in class, the silly emoji’s were the dirtiest things bambam ever sent him, and he knew it was all teasing and joking. “But why though?” Jungkook asked and he shrugged. 

“We’re not ready for that stuff, you still can’t talk to girls-- I think me and bambam are lightyears ahead of you,” Yugyeom puffed up and he rolled his eyes. 

“Yeah whatever, what are you going to do? minions and chill?” 

“Oh shut the fuck up,” Yugyeom hissed as the bell rang and class started up yet again. 

Bambam closed the door, waving off his parents. They were working three twelve-hour shifts in a row, then off Monday and Tuesday. 

They rarely had shifts that coincided that way, but they’d gotten lucky enough this month. That meant that for the next couple of days, Yugyeom and he would have until six am alone, then 6 am to 6 pm--- or rather 6:20-5:40--- by themselves, and he knew the two would most likely sleep until two anyway, to be alone. 

Which meant if Bambam played his cards right, he could definitely dye his hair and style it before his babas even noticed.

“Alright, let’s go!” Bambam pulled on the boy's arm, leading him to his room before dropping down on his bed. 

“Did you ask you dads' if you could do this?” Yugyeom asked, watching the boy tear through the boxes with the gloves and dyes. 

“Look, I’ve got to take my freedom or else I will be locked up mentally-- If you have to ask to do something, then it’s not freedom,” Bambam complained and Yugyeom raised his eyebrow. 

“What dime-store psychology book did you hear that from?” 

“Bryan said it, and he’s right.”

“Yeah, 'cause it's smart to take advice from a convict,” Yugyeom snorted and Bambam pouted. 

“If anyone is going to know about being locked up, it's him, and he’s right. Our dads are cops, all they know is policing,”

“You don’t have to convince me, I’m not the one putting the shit in my hair,” Yugyeom complained and Bambam collapsed on top of Yugyeom. 

“You’re such a bitch, you know that?” Bambam complained before rolling to the side, staring up at his ceiling. 

“Yeah yeah, we’re just sitting in front of the television, watching movies and eating pizza rolls,” Bambam complained into the phone, standing in front of his vanity as put the shower cap on his head, Yugyeom laying on the bed behind him, playing music on his phone.

“In the oven?” Jackson asked and Bambam rolled his eyes. 

“No, in the microwave, and Jinyoung let’s yugyeom use the oven, I hope you realize that,” Bambam frowned, peering into the dirty pores on his nose.

He grabbed a makeup wipe.

“Well, yugyeom’s not our baby, you are,” Jackson posed. 

“yeah yeah, I’m not a baby, I’m fifteen, I’ll be sixteen before you even know it, which, before you ask, we’re watching a pg movie, don’t worry, baby ducks, animated, right up your alley,” Bambam complained. 

“Hey, don’t get smart with your baba, you know he loves you,” He heard his baba mark say in the background, and of course, they had him on speakerphone. 

“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry--- I’ll have lots of fun. You two be careful tonight, I’ll talk to you in an hour,” Bambam explained.

“We will, you two make sure you lock all the doors,” Mark answered. 

“We will,” 

“But not your bedroom door, I won’t hesitate to kick that punk’s ass if he even thinks’ about touching you,” Jackson threatened and Yugyeom whined in the background. 

“Baba!”

“Samchon! I’m right here!” Yugyeom yelled. 

“then you heard my threat, punk.”

“We’re not even, like that, it’s not like that,” Bambam covered up quickly, his face reddening.

“Ignore him, he’d say the same thing if jungkook came over-- which, please don’t ever go after jungkook, I don’t want Namjoon to become your father in law- just for my sake,” mark explained for his husband.

“Oh don’t worry, he’s not my type at all,” Bambam laughed before humming to himself. 

“We’ll talk in an hour or so, I’ll see you in the morning, Wo ai ni,” Mark whispered and Bambam smiled to himself.

“Wo ai ni baba mark, wo ai ni baba Jackson, come home safe,” He whispered into the phone before hanging up.

“You feel guilty for not telling them, don’t you,” Yugyeom asked and Bambam shrugged before looking in the mirror. 

he’d have to take his freedom any way that he could. 

He peeled the plastic off of his hair and picked up his blow dryer, running it through the front of his hair until the hair was dry and fluffy. 

“What do you think?” Bambam asked his boyfriend who looked up from his phone. 

“Wow,” Yugyeom whistled. 

“It’s not too much right, is it bad?” He asked, turning in the mirror and Yugyeom wrapped his arms around Bambam’s stomach, leaning his chin against his head. 

“It’s not- no it’s not too much, it’s nice, your dads are going to flip, but it looks good, why pink?” Yugyeom asked and Bambam shrugged. 

“I just- I liked it… is it dumb?” 

“No, no, if you liked it, it’s not dumb,” Yugyeom kissed the back of his head and Bambam looked at the bright pink hair, feeling satisfied that this was something he’d done without his babas.

He’d just have to figure out a way to hide it until they were so overcome with sleep, that they wouldn’t even notice, and it would become so normal that they wouldn’t have a choice but accept it. 

That could happen, right?

“Are we actually going to watch the movie?” Yugyeom asked and Bambam looked back at his boyfriend. 

“You’re such a baby,” Bambam teased, even as he grabbed his laptop.

“Someone dyes their hair and suddenly they’re soooo mature, Don’t forget, I’m taller than you,” Yugyeom teased and Bambam pushed him away.

“Why do I even like you?” Bambam wondered out loud jokingly. 

“Because of my tall, lean body, devilish good looks, brilliant personality and overflowing charms, not to mention, I can do a backflip,” Yugyeom teased. 

“so can my dad, that’s not so impressive.” 

“You can’t do a backflip,” Yugyeom teased Bambam again and Bambam rolled his eyes. 

“If backflips are the most impressive things you can do, I don’t think we can date anymore.”

“I can also dance,” Yugyeom added. 

“You mean that wiggly thing you do with your legs, I thought you were having a spasm,” Bambam sneered at his boyfriend and Yugyeom pounced on the smaller boy, pinning him down to the bed. 

Yugyeom pushed his hands through his boyfriend’s newly dyed hair before putting his hands back by his head. 

Bambam squirmed at the feeling of the boy pinning him down.

“Excuse you, I’m a very talented dancer, my appas pay a lot of money for those lessons,” Yugyeom pouted. 

“Yeah, well tell them to get a refund!” Bambam shot back, still squirming, not liking the feeling of being held down.

“Oh yeah, tell that to my hips,” Yugyeom began to swirl his hips around, not mindful of the fact that he was still on Bambam. 

Bambam began to push at the boy on top of him, using his feet too.

“Cut it out you thot,” Bambam accused, pushing the boy off of him and Yugyeom rolled his eyes. They sat in silence, Bambam trying to push the feeling of ice water dripping down his spine away. He didn’t know why he felt that way, but anytime that Yugyeom started to move his hips, or laid on top of bambam, he felt like he couldn’t breathe like someone was pouring an ice bucket over his head. 

Bambam pulled his pillow to the bottom of the bed, stretching his body across his back and Yugyeom followed suit, laying beside him.

He turned on the movie and Yugyeom did that thing where he slowly began to creep his arms around Bambam’s waist, so slow that Bambam didn’t even notice until he was completely wrapped in Yugyeom. He always did it after they'd been wrapped in that awkward silence that tended to come after things went too far between Yugyeom and Bambam. Bambam wasn’t sure if Yugyeom knew that Bambam was borderline overwhelmed from him just dancing on top of him, or if he got the same feeling Bambam got when things went a little far. 

Bambam wouldn’t ask him though, it was already weird to talk about. 

  
  



	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bambam gets caught for dyeing his hair, and Bambam sends Bryan a picture.

Bambam made it through the next day without his Baba’s seeing his hair. 

Mostly by managing to keep out of the house until they left, and wearing hats. 

Yugyeom caught on immediately and teased him mercilessly for it until he ended up just punching the taller kid in the stomach, and then buying him ice cream in apology.

he was getting cocky. 

That was the problem. 

“Bambam- what the hell is that in your hair?” Bambam looked up at his door to see Baba Jackson standing in his doorway, his hands falling from the cufflinks that he’d been messing with. 

“The pink bow?” Bambam asked and Jackson rolled his eyes. 

“You’re close, you got the word pink, wanna try and guess again?” 

“I’d like to phone a friend,” Bambam answered back jokingly and Jackson set him with a glare. 

“I’d like to plead the fifth?” Bambam tried again and Jackson pinched his temple. 

“Bam, I’m not joking,” 

“Your hair is dyed, why can’t I put color in mine?” He argued back. 

“Because, I’m an adult, and I am old enough to make those decisions,” Jackson scolded. 

“Yeah, but Baba Mark dyed his hair when he was my age,” Bambam argued. 

“Because your grandparents were too soft on him, and he asked for permission first, now wash that stuff out of your hair,” Jackson argued and Bambam crossed his arms. 

“I can’t, it’s hair dye,” Bambam hissed and Jackson crossed his arms. 

“Mark! Your son’s being difficult!” Jackson called and Mark walked into the room. 

“When did you do that?” Was all Mark could ask and Bambam bit his lip. 

“Friday night,” 

“Did you do Yugyeom’s too?” He asked and Bambam shook his head.

“Damn, I would have loved to see Jaebum’s face when he saw it, oh well, next time give him a dye job too,” Mark teased. 

“What, no! you’re supposed to yell at him,” Jackson whined and Mark rolled his eyes. 

“Look, it’s done now, and at least he didn’t pierce his belly button, it’s just hair dye, and I’m sure next time, he’ll tell us when he does something like this. Now leave it Jackson, come on, we’re going to be late. Wo ai ni,” Mark kissed the boy on the forehead and Jackson did the same thing before following Mark out of the room, whining about his son turning into a delinquent.

Bambam followed them to the staircase, listening as they argued pettily on their way out. “I can’t believe you didn’t say dig into him,” Jackson complained. 

“He’s doing things normal kids do, what the hell am I supposed to do, especially with  _ his past _ , it could be much worse, and you know it,” Mark hissed as he walked out of the door, Jackson following. 

Bambam went back to his room, just relieved that his parents didn't take his phone, his laptop, his camera, or even worse, Yugyeom.

He walked into school, his uniform firmly in place, as he headed towards his friends.

He couldn’t help but run his hands through the newly dyed his hair. He could see people staring and he wasn’t sure if they liked it or not. 

“Wow, look at your hair,” Jungkook exclaimed, and Yugyeom pushed him away. 

“Leave him alone, he looks cute,” Yugyeom wrapped his arms around Bambam’s shoulders, pulling him unto his side. 

Bambam opened the letter as he sat on his bed. 

Yugyeom had gone home, and Bambam waited to open the letter until his family was asleep. 

_ Hi Bam! _

_ I’m just going to start the letter off by saying I don’t care that you like Boys, or that you have two dads. It’s none of my business and I don’t really have the room to judge, seeing as I'm where I am. Besides, the shit that I see in here… nothing fazes me. Ooh, sorry, I shouldn't have cursed huh? I’m glad that you are taking your own freedom, I guess if that’s the only thing I can instill in you, it’s to get free. I hope you don’t end up cutting me off, I enjoy our conversations. I hope I can see the new hair, I’m sure you look handsome in it.  _

_ I accept your offer of being my best friend. You’re right, it’s hard to get along in here without a friend, and I’m glad that I can make one out of you. Thank you.  _

_ I’m sorry the letter’s so short, I don’t really have much to say today, but I’m looking forward to hearing from you. You paint wonderful pictures, and it really helps me get through the day. _

_ P.S I loved the flintstones when I was a kid.  _

_ PPS. I don’t really care for the color orange, I see it too much. _

Bambam grabbed his phone off of his nightstand, running his hands through his hair. 

He couldn’t stop pulling his fingers through the newly dyed patch, it was like a nervous habit. 

He held his phone out, taking a picture of the hair, moving it around and trying to situate it so it looked somewhat decent. 

He took another picture before sending it to Yugyeom.

**Gyeomy: what is this?**

**Me: does this picture look good?**

**Gyeomy: every picture looks good**

**Gyeomy: not that I expect it**

**Gyeomy: but who sends a picture at 2 am**

**Gyeomy: and it not be a nude??**

**Me: Hows this?**

Bambam took a close picture of his elbow and sent it to Yugyeom

**Gyeomy: what the hell is that supposed to be?**

**Me: my ass obvi**

**Gyeomy: Nah, your ass is way flatter than that.**

**Me: Fuck off!!!**

Bambam put his phone down, rolling over onto his stomach. 

**Me: should we be doing that though?**

**Gyeomy: Doing what?**

**Me: sending nudes? having sex? moving past just kissing?**

**Gyeomy: if you don’t want to, we shouldn’t**

**Me: But do you want to?**

**Gyeomy: I want to do what you want to do**

Bambam lifted his phone over his head, taking a picture of him lying down. 

He looked at the picture, at how even when he was wearing clothes, it still looked a little provocative.

**Me: I’m going to bed, night**

**Gyeomy: Night**

**Gyeomy: love you**

**Me: Love you too**

He put down the phone, rolling onto his back and pulling his blanket over his face that still felt red.

Bambam heard a knock on the door and he moved from the couch, putting his bowl of cereal down on the table. 

“Baba! Someone’s at the door!” Bambam called and he heard Jackson come rushing down the stairs. 

Bambam opened the door, wrapping his arms around his aunt who was standing at the door. 

“Bambam!” she yelled and he hugged her tighter.

“Amber!” Jackson called, hugging her before pulling away. 

“What did we say about answering the door?’ Jackson admonished him and he rolled his eyes, moving out of the doorway to let the rest of his family in, his aunt Krystal and his cousin Yeri who preferred to be called Katy. 

“Where’s my favorite brother?” she asked and Jackson gasped. 

“How dare you, I'm right here,”

“I was talking about Mark,” She said and he frowned at her. 

“Get out of my house, Krystal, Katy, you can stay- but amber you leave and never come back,” He teased and she flicked him in the forehead, dropping onto the couch. 

“Whatever you say squirt,” She said before looking back at Jackson. 

“Baba’s at work,” Bambam offered and she nodded.

“Sorry we dropped in, just wanted to get some dinner with the family, I should have called and checked your schedule, although, I could have sworn Mark was supposed to be off today,” She said and Jackson nodded. 

“He took an extra shift. there’s a parole hearing coming up for… you know and he’ll have to testify for it,” Jackson said and Bambam grabbed his bowl of cereal.

“Are they really thinking of letting that bastard out?” She asked and Jackson shrugged. 

“Not if Mark has anything to say about it,” He explained and Bambam made his way to the kitchen. 

Katy followed. 

“Why are you wearing that hat in the house?” She asked and he shrugged, dumping the food out and washing the bowl. 

She snatched it off of his head. 

“Hey! I’m your oppa!” he yelled at her and she snorted. 

“You’re not my oppa,” She said, running out of the kitchen. 

“Give that back!” He yelled, chasing her. 

“Hey, get dressed, and stop running in the house before you get hurt!” Jackson called after him. 

“He’s fifteen, not five,” He heard his aunt defend as he made his way upstairs, tackling the thirteen-year-old to the ground to get his hat back. 

“You dyed your hair?” She asked and he nodded, getting up and taking his hat back. 

“Yeah.” He ran his hands through his hair. 

“It looks so cool!” She said in awe, pushing her hands through his bangs. 

He liked it when Katy came over because she was exactly the kind of cousin that he wanted. She teased him about little things, but when it really came down to it, she admired him, she thought he was the coolest.

She also had a crush on Yugyeom, but who didn’t?

“Bam-ah Katy! come on!” His aunt Krystal called and he slipped into a new cardigan before racing her down the stairs. 

“I really like your hair like that,” Amber encouraged and Bambam blushed. 

“Really?” He asked. 

“Yeah, I’m surprised that your father’s even let you do it,” 

“Oh, we didn’t. We left him alone with Yugyeom and our bambam became pinkbam,” Jackson said and Amber rolled her eyes. 

“You say that as if you didn’t go through three different dye jobs at his age. Ignore what your father says, it’s important that you find yourself now, don’t wait until you're in college and away from home to do this kind of stuff, that’s how kids get themselves into trouble, they rebel in college, and by then, things get so much more dangerous,” Amber said and Bambam nodded.

“We don’t listen to people with tattoos,” Jackson said to Bambam and he laughed. 

“But- Baba mark has a tattoo…” Bambam trailed off and Jackson narrowed his eyes at him. 

“We don’t listen to people named Amber who have tattoos. Always listen to your fathers, she’s a little devil,” Jackson said and Amber rolled her eyes. 

“Your father is a dork,” She said, ruffling his hair and Bambam smiled.

He thought they had such a good relationship. 

He wondered what it was like to have someone who had known you since you were born, someone who had watched every bit of your life, who knew what you were like when you were two, three, five, seven. 

Bambam wished he could have that experience. 

He wished he didn’t have any gaps in his memory. 

He wanted to know who he was too. 

Bambam laid in bed, holding his polaroid camera over his head before taking a picture of his face. 

He waited for the picture to print before looking at it.

_ Hi Bryan, _

_ My aunt visited today, and it was a blast as usual. She really gives me the courage to be who I am, you know? I mean, my babas, they aren't the most free-wheeling people, as I've said before, but my aunt is way different than that. She believes that people should be themselves, and have freedom. _

_ No matter how bad things in life can go, you deserve a chance to be free.  _

_ I’m glad that my letters make you happier, I couldn’t imagine life being so hard. Without my best friend, I would go insane.  _

_ It’s good to see that you don’t care about me liking boys because that means that you can’t be that bad of a person. Unless you murdered someone… but I don’t think you did. at least, I hope not!!! _

_ Then again, I might still talk to you if you murdered someone… maybe. _

_ I’m really excited that you accepted my friend request- ha get it like Facebook, but it’s on paper, so would that be retro facebook?- and I hope that we can stay friends for a long time! _

_ Thank you for understanding me dyeing my hair. I was super confident doing it, but now that I’ve had it for a week, I don’t know how I feel. I just feel like everyone is looking at it, and talking about me behind my back. But I made the decision and I’m going to stick with it! _

_ I’m putting a picture of me in here, that way you can see what it looks like. Please tell me your honest opinion. _

_ I’ll be sure not to write in orange, I’ve already put my orange pen in another drawer so I don’t mess it up.  _

_ I don’t know what I’ll do next to take my freedom, so if you have any suggestions, let me know! _

_ I’ll try to live my life getting free! _

_ Stay safe! _

_ Bambam! _

Bambam slipped the letter into the box before sitting beside Yugyeom.

“You know that we don't get extra credit for turning in the letters early right?” Yugyeom teased and Bambam stuck his tongue out at the younger boy.

“We have really stimulating conversation. Of course, I'm eager to send him letters,” Bambam said and Jungkook laughed.

“I bet you are  _ eager.  _ I'm sure hearing from a young boy is stimulating for him,” He spoke, his voice dripping with innuendo.

“Shut up, that's not what I meant,” Bambam said and Jungkook scoffed.

Bambam couldn't help the flush in his face at the thought.

He didn’t really think that Bryan would be like that, it didn’t seem like it. It was weird to even think of someone thinking  _ that way _ about him. He was sure Yugyeom did, he’d made out with him before, but it just didn’t feel the same. 

“Alright, take your seats. Please write down the assignments on the board in your planners. Make a note that the last batch of letters to be sent out for our projects will be due next Wednesday,” Ms. Silverstein said and Bambam frowned before raising his hand.

“Yes Mr. Wang-tuan,” His teacher asked and he cleared his throat. 

“What if we want to keep up communication with our penpals?” He asked and he could hear Jungkook sniggering behind him. 

“That will be something for you to look into, you have their addresses, and if it’s okay with your parents, you can continue correspondence, but next Wednesday will be the last day that we will be sending letters for you, and then Friday will be the last day for letters to be received,” She explained and Bambam nodded putting his hands down.

“Don’t be sad Bam, I’m sure your dads won’t mind you writing letters to your prison boyfriend,” Jungkook teased and Bambam punched the younger boy in the arm. 

“You’re an asshole, Jungkook,” He hissed before turning back towards the front of the classroom. 


	10. Piercing Incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bambam tries to find his freedom by seemingly going behind his parents back to get an ear piercing.   
> An argument ensues.

Bambam slipped his finger underneath the flap of the envelope, releasing the adhesive on the paper before pulling out the letter.

_ Hi Bambam, _

_ Days have been tough, so I’m so glad I get to hear from you. I’m coming up on my parole hearing soon, and I heard that one of the detectives who worked my case is trying to actively try to block my case. It’s so fucking stupid that a person can’t just do their time and get over it. You’re right, people deserve a chance to be free. It was nice to hear that your aunt came to visit, it’s been a long time since anyone visited me here. I wish your sixteenth birthday would hurry, then you could come visit me. I would love to see you in person. Your aunt sounds like a really fun lady, and I'm glad that even if your babas aren’t the most accepting, that your aunt is, which seems like a double standard, you would think that they would understand your struggle of trying to find out who you are and give you some freedom. Freedom is one of the only things that I think about, well now that and you, like I said, I anticipate every letter you send, though that’s really the only thing I can do here. Don’t worry, I’ve done some fucked up shit, but I never killed anyone, so you don’t have to stop writing me. It would really fucking suck if you stopped writing to me. I just realized I’ve been cursing so much, I hope it doesn’t offend you, I kind of write how I speak. I hope that we can speak for a long time, and that I don’t run you off with my mouth. You’re becoming someone I feel like I could trust. I received your picture, the color suits you a lot. I doubt anyone is talking about you behind your back, and if they are, it’s just because you’re too handsome. Your friend is wrong, you definitely could be a model, with your lips alone, you could be on the cover of any magazine. _

_ This letter is getting kind of long, so I’ll cut it off for now. I hope to hear from you soon, and I appreciate how quickly you write back. _

_ P.S I hope you tell me of all the things you are doing to get free, I’m rooting for you. When I was a kid, I did a lot of stupid shit, but one of the things I never regretted was getting an eyebrow piercing.  _

_ P.P.S Send more pictures, they liven up the place. _

_ Bryan. _

Bambam laid back on his bed, his heart thumping in his chest. He was holding the letter close to his chest, his cheeks flaming. He didn’t know why he was having this reaction, this strange sweaty feeling, but felt giddy and nauseous all at the same time. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Bryan had said, his mind like a broken record player over one thing. 

Bryan couldn’t stop thinking about him. Bryan thought he was handsome, that he was too handsome. 

_ Me: Gweomy _

_ Gweomy: If it’s not nudes, I don’t want it _

_ Me: Don’t be an ass _

_ Me: I have a question _

_ Me: Do you think I’m handsome? _

_ Me: Hello? _

_ Me: Yugyeom Im, I swear to god if you don’t answer my texts _

_ Me: asshole _

Bambam threw his phone to the bottom of his bed, staring at it angrily for a couple of seconds before it vibrated. 

He dove for it, opening the message. 

_ Gweomy: Sorry, Jungkook had my phone.  _

_ Gweomy: Of course, You’re cute _

Bambam stared at the text. 

He didn’t want to be cute, he wanted to be handsome. 

_ Me: oh, ok. _

_ Me: Talk to you tomorrow _

Bambam threw his phone back to the bottom of his bed and looked at the letter again.

A piercing kind of sounded cool, and both of his Dad’s had piercings, so it wouldn’t be too bad.

Maybe he’d get his aunt Amber to do it for him.

“Dude, your babas will crucify you, hell, my appas will crucify the both of us, we can't do this,” Yugyeom complained and Bambam frowned.

“Baba Mark didn't even care about the dye job, he won't care, and My Aunt Amber already said yes and offered to do it for free, what do you have to lose?” Bambam asked and Yugyeom scoffed.

“How about my life. Jinyoung will literally kill me and bury me in the backyard. He will literally kill me, no exaggeration. He doesn't even have piercings.”

“But uncle Jaebum does. And youngjae got his ears pierced,”

“Yeah, cause he asked,” Yugyeom complained.

“Then ask,” Bambam said as if it were obvious.

“ Yeah, but Jinyoung actually likes Youngjae,” Yugyeom whined.

“You’re my best friend and boyfriend, if you don’t do this, I’ll pin my weed on you in the future,” Bambam teased.

“You are an absolute menace, I’ll do it, but I swear, if I get into trouble, I’m blaming you,” he said before leaning over the lunch table to kiss Bambam

“So it’s settled, piercings after school,” he said with a smile.

They stood in the lobby of the tattoo parlor, looking at the different piercings.

Amber was a tattoo artist and he was lucky that she was doing this for him because she normally was very strict about who she let get her services, and if she wasn't one of the people Jackson trusted the most, she would never do this.

“Alright, who's first?” Amber asked and Yugyeom shook his head. 

“Yugyeom,” Bambam shouted and Yugyeom looked at him, scandalized. 

“You’re the one who wants to do this, come on,” Yugyeom said and Bambam shook his head. 

“Fine, I’ll go first, it’s not going to hurt will it?” Yugyeom asked and Amber shook her head. She waved them back to the area where they worked.

He sat in the chair, small talking with Amber as she prepped the earring gun. 

Bambam walked around the area, looking at the different tattoo sketches. His dad would kill him if he got a tattoo. 

Not to mention the fact that there was no way Amber would even tattoo him this young, especially without his babas’ permission.

Bambam stopped at the glass case, looking at the different piercings. He traced his hand over it, stopping when he saw it. 

It was a cute little ball piercing. 

“That’s a tongue ring,” Amber said and Bambam jumped, turning towards her. 

“What are you- is Yugyeom finished?” Bambam asked and Amber nodded, pointing towards the chair. 

“Your turn,” she said and he looked back at the piercing. 

“Is that the one you want?” She asked and he shook his head, still looking at it.

“Your dad used to have one, I actually did it for him, I was interning at a studio, and he let me do it because if I did it, it would be free, we were so stupid,” Amber said before helping Bambam into the chair. 

“Can I- Yugyeom, can you hold my hand?” Bambam asked and Yugyeom came over, holding his hands out to Bambam while she pierced his ears. 

“What did you do?” Jackson asked as he walked into the kitchen. 

“Nothing,” He said softly and Jackson shook his head. 

“Come here,” Jackson said more forcibly and Bambam sighed. 

“Bai Mu, I’m not playing, come here,” Jackson said and Bambam stomped over to him. 

“What the hell did you do?” Jackson asked, tilting his head back and forth. 

“I just got my ears pierced, it’s not a big deal, you and Baba Mark both have piercings, it’s normal,” Bambam defended and Jackson sighed. 

“That’s exactly what I thought. Mark!” Jackson called and Mark came running down the stairs.

“What’s wrong, who’s hurt?” Mark asked hurriedly. 

“Look what he’s done,” Jackson complained and Bambam sighed. 

“Oh, Amber pierced his ears,” Mark said as if it weren’t a big deal. 

“Yes, which is exactly why I didn’t want him to dye his- what do you mean Amber pierced his ears? You knew?” Jackson asked and Mark nodded. 

“She wouldn’t do it if she didn’t ask permission,” Mark said and Jackson went off in Cantonese. 

Mark and Bambam knew mandarin, but Cantonese was an exclusively Jackson thing, and something he only did when he was extremely angry. 

“Baba calm down,” Bambam said and Jackson stopped. 

“What’s that in your mouth?” Jackson asked and Bambam turned red. 

“It’s nothing,” He said and Mark turned towards him. 

“What’s in your mouth?” Mark asked. 

“It’s nothing, I’m going to bed,” Bambam excused, holding his hand over his mouth. 

“Open your mouth,” Jackson said and Bambam shook his head. 

“Bai Mu, what’s in your mouth?” Mark asked, and he shook his head. 

“Stick out your tongue.” 

Bambam finally did what he asked, the shiny ball gleaming in the light. 

“You pierced your fucking tongue? How fucking irresponsible are you,” Jackson began. 

“We discussed earrings, not a tongue ring, I can’t believe she would do this,” Mark jumped in.

“This is why you should have talked to me first. Do you know what that’s going to do to your mouth? Did you think about how much money we poured into your orthodontics, how bad tongue rings are for braces?”

“What if you get the bar stuck in your braces, you’re going to rip it out of your mouth,”

“Let’s not forget that your tongue could lose feeling there, not to mention how stupid you look with that in your mouth!” 

Jackson and Mark barraged him and Bambam dug in his mouth. 

“It’s fucking fake, I thought it looked cool, I wouldn’t do that without asking,” Bambam yelled over them and his parents stared at him. 

“Excuse me, who do you think you’re talking to?” Jackson asked and Bambam glared at his father. 

“Go upstairs,” Jackson said under his breath and Bambam glared at him harder before finally turning, running upstairs 

He couldn’t believe that his parents would get so mad over a fake piercing. Of course, they didn’t know it was fake, but still. They didn’t trust him. 

They didn’t trust him to stay home by himself, to use the stove, to even not do something as wild as getting his tongue pierced. 

He hated that they treated him like a baby, that they had no faith in him.

He hated feeling so damn caged up.

He was going to get free. 

He put the tongue ring back in his mouth before grabbing his polaroid camera. He stuck his tongue out before taking a picture. 

_ Dear Bryan, _

_ I’m glad that I got to hear from you. I think it’s absolutely stupid that that detective is trying to block your case. From what you’ve told me, you’re a great guy, and you don’t deserve to be locked up. I’m sorry days are hard in there, and I know it doesn’t compare but things are hard for me too. My babas are just being so strict and I hate it! My dad said I looked stupid with a tongue ring, and I know it’s such a stupid thing to get fed up about, but it just feels like everything has been piling on top of itself. I just want to be free. No one seems to understand me like you do. I don’t care that you curse, in fact, I like it, it makes me feel like you’re comfortable with me. I want us to be comfortable around each other. Our class is supposed to be ending the penpal project, which means that they won’t be delivering our letters anymore. I don’t want to end this though. If you want, we can still write each other, and I’ll leave you my address so that you can write me still, but only if you want to. I took your advice and got some new piercings. The tongue piercing is fake, but only because I have braces. Maybe when I get them off, I’ll get a real one. What do you think, do I look good with it? I hope you decide to continue to write me, I’ll look forward to your reply. _

_ Stay Safe, _

_ Bambam. _

_ P.S if it’s possible, could you send me a picture of yourself? I really want to see you too :) _


	11. Teenage Angst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson wonders if he should go easy on Bambam, and Bambam gets a new letter From Bryan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is mention of sensuality in this. Bambam attempts to masturbate and has a negative reaction to it, it's at the very end, but this is a theme that will be explored in the rest of the fic, so if that bothers you, I'm sorry.

Jackson stood outside of Bambam’s door. 

The boy had stopped writing a while ago, and he hadn’t heard any vibrations, which meant he wasn’t texting Yugyeom. 

That probably meant that he was sleeping.

He sighed, opening the door to see that Bambam was asleep, his blanket pulled all the way up to his neck and dried tear stains on his chubby cheeks.

Jackson sat on the edge of his bed, his hand coming to sweep through his dyed hair before looking at the shining studs in his ear.

That stupid tongue ring was sitting on Bambam’s nightstand, mocking him as it laid next to the things that made Bambam bambam. His framed picture of his dads, his gel pen collection, which was missing the color orange for some reason, and a little trinket that Yugyeom had gotten him. His nightstand drawer was slightly ajar and Jackson stuck his finger in it, poking at the envelopes crammed into it.

“What are you doing?” Mark asked from the door and Jackson turned to look at him. 

“Just sitting with him. Do you remember, when he was little, when he first got here, and we literally used to just sit on his bed all night and wait for a nightmare?” Jackson asked and Mark nodded, pushing off of the door frame and walking into the room. 

“Do you remember when the nightmares stopped? When he stopped asking us to sit up with him? When he began to forget?” Mark asked and Jackson nodded. 

“It was good because he wasn’t so scared all the time. But it felt so wrong because it felt like he didn’t need me anymore. It’s so stupid. I don’t even know why I got so mad about that stupid piece of metal,” Jackson said, putting his head in his hands. 

“He’s a teenager, they’re designed to piss you off. Do you remember how crazy we drove your mother?” Mark asked and Jackson laughed hollowly.

“God, is this retaliation for the way we acted, I need to call her and beg for forgiveness,” Jackson joked. 

“Look at it this way, you’re doing a good job, we’re doing a good job. He went through so much trauma, and he is able to have normal teenage angst. He’s getting to that rebellious age, and maybe, maybe it’s time we loosen the reins on him a little, he’s fifteen, soon to be sixteen. He’s already interested in boys, and you know he’s doing most of this for approval and to feel like he has control. Maybe we have to give him that control and trust that it’ll be okay,” Mark suggested and as much as he knew that Mark was right, there was no way that he was going to give up control over Bambam. He didn’t want to come off as controlling, but he was worried. He knew it was normal for teens to do things like this, but Bambam wasn’t a normal teen. 

He was their little boy, their only child. 

He went through something that they couldn’t imagine, and he’d never talked about it. 

He just wanted to protect him from the world, protect him like his mother wouldn’t. Bambam used to tell them everything, now he was sneaking around behind their backs, getting piercings and his hair dyed and having a boyfriend that they weren’t supposed to know about, but it was obvious that they were dating.

Jackson felt like he had failed him in some kind of way, that he wasn’t raising him right. He didn’t know where he’d gone wrong.

“You know, his mother’s probation got turned down,” Mark said and Jackson got up, kissing Bambam on the forehead before leaving the room, closing the door behind him. 

He didn’t want to have this conversation in front of Bambam, even if the boy was sleeping. They did their best not to talk about his mother, or the sentence in front of the young boy, the more they did, the more questions Bambam would ask, and Jackson wasn’t sure he was ready to answer those questions. 

“That’s good, she should serve her full sentence,” Jackson said and Mark nodded. 

“She didn’t even make it to a judiciary hearing, but Bryan, he’s making headway. The bastard was lucky that he took a deal that dropped the kidnapping charge, and this new judge won’t let us bring that up in the hearing. I’m going to testify of course, but I can’t- I can’t help but wonder if it’ll be enough. If he remembered anything- maybe he could have made a victim impact statement,” Mark said before shaking his head. 

“I wouldn’t even consider letting him do it, I don’t know why I even said it, I just- I’m worried about it,” Mark said, his voice small. 

He looked up at Jackson, who wrapped his arms around his husband. 

“I can’t wait for this to get behind us, I can’t wait for it to be over,” Mark said and Jackson nodded, kissing his forehead. 

“I can’t believe he cursed at you, that was hilarious,” Mark said and Jackson pinched at him. 

“I can’t even imagine where he would have heard that language,” Jackson said and Mark raised an eyebrow. 

“You said fucking first,” Mark pointed out. 

“Yeah, but we don’t say it that often, that was practiced,” Jackson said before his phone rang. 

He picked it up, answering it. 

“Your son is a fucking delinquent and a menace,” Jinyoung shouted over the phone and Jackson laughed, pulling the phone away from his ear before Jinyoung could hear his laughter and get angrier. 

“Did Yugyeom get his ears pierced too?” Jackson asked and Mark nodded, covering his mouth to stifle his laugh. 

“You really dodged a bullet marrying me and not Jinyoung,” Mark said and Jackson plucked his husband’s forehead before putting the phone back to his ear to hopefully try to calm down Jinyoung.

At least they weren’t all alone in this, they both had rebellious teens to deal with. The thought of that made him feel a little better. 

Maybe Mark was right, maybe this was just a phase and they’d make it out of this. 

He just had to believe that.

Bambam went to the box, digging through the letters. 

“Yugyeom, here,” Bambam said, handing the taller boy his last letter. It was the last day for a letter, and everyone seemed a lot more excited about the prospect than Bambam did. 

“You know, I’m going to miss old Tina, we had some good conversation, traded pound cake recipes,” Yugyeom said absently and Jungkook retrieved his letter from Bambam. 

“I’m glad to end this project, George was a bore and now my dad can get off my back about being a more ‘socially conscious’ person,” Jungkook complained, ripping his letter open lazily. 

“What about you Bam, are you ready to end your relationship with your knight in shining orange jumpsuit,” Jungkook teased and Bambam flipped him off distractedly as he made it to the end of the stack. 

He turned, looking back in the box, sure that he must have missed something. 

“What’s wrong?” Yugyeom asked and Bambam lifted the box. 

“My letter isn’t in here, my letter is always in here, where’s my letter?” Bambam complained and Jungkook shrugged. 

“Maybe he didn’t want to be your friend anymore, don’t worry, there are plenty of prison inmates horny to hear from a teen twink like you, hell give it a couple of years, Yugyeom will be up there,” Jungkook teased and Bambam shoved him. 

“Shut up Jungkook, It’s not funny,” Bambam protested and Jungkook laughed. 

“Are you going to cry?” Jungkook spoke. 

“Hey, lay off Jungkook,” Yugyeom defended, his voice serious and Jungkook shrugged. 

“Whatever,” He said with a laugh, unbothered before moving to his seat. 

“You okay?” Yugyeom asked and Bambam nodded, pulling his hands through his dyed hair. 

He was feeling a little stupid for getting so disappointed that Bryan didn’t write him back. It wasn’t the end of the world, even if he felt really dejected. 

He almost felt rejected, like he wasn’t good enough for the man because he didn’t want to talk to him outside of the project. 

He thought they had become friends.

Maybe even closer than that.

“I’m fine, come on, let’s go. Class is about to start,” Bambam said, shaking off the feeling before heading to his seat. 

Bambam got off of the bus, his keys clutched in between his fingers like his father’s had taught him, just in case he faced a scary mugger off of the bus. 

He walked down the street to his house, stopping at the mailbox and grabbing the stack of bills. 

He was debating whether he should write Bryan back an angry letter, telling him just how much of an asshole he was for not even saying goodbye to Bambam, especially after Bambam had told him that he still wanted to write to him after he’d given the man his address. After he’d sent him pictures of him. 

He had an even pettier part of himself that didn’t even want to write him back, to answer the silence with silence, to not even dignify the man’s behavior with a response. 

He didn’t know which one he was going to do. 

He threw the letters on the table, shooting his fathers’ a text telling them that he’d made it home, the door was locked, and that he was eating a hot pocket for a snack, so there was no way he could burn down the house.

He went upstairs, taking a shower and changing out of his school clothes into something more comfortable. He dropped on his bed, pulling out his math homework. 

He wanted to call Yugyeom, but Yugyeom was still grounded for not getting permission to get his ears pierced.

Bambam had talked to his aunt amber, so he knew that he did get permission from Jaebum, but Bambam guessed that Jaebum was afraid of Jinyoung, which was the rightful response to the man. 

The only person scarier than him to Bambam was his own Baba Mark. 

His phone rang and he rolled over, reading the caller ID.

“Hey baba Mark,” Bambam said, pushing his homework away to talk to his dad. 

“Hey, you’re in the house safe?” Mark asked. 

“Yep, doors locked, hot pocket warmed to the correct temperature, no sketchy strangers hiding in the bushes, I am completely safe.”

“Are you sure, that hot pocket filling could give your third-degree burns.”

“That’s why I put it back in the freezer.”

“Look at you, you’ve thought of everything.”

“What can I say, I’m resourceful,” Bambam said before sitting up, reaching for his nail polish. 

If he wasn’t going to do his homework, it was the least he could do. 

“Are you going to be home for dinner tonight?” Bambam asked and Mark sighed. 

“I’m going to try and make it, but you know I’m swamped. Jackson should be home soon though. Did we have any mail?” Mark asked and Bambam put the phone between his ear and his shoulder as he got off of the bed, walking downstairs. 

“Yep,” Bambam said before grabbing the pile. 

“You’ve got a credit card bill, the phone bill, a coupon for that chicken place, a flyer for a used car dealership, I’ll be turning sixteen soon just throwing that in, and a-” Bambam froze when he read the sender address.

It was the prison.

“And a what?” Mark asked and Bambam shook his head. 

“Nothing, it’s nothing,” Bambam covered quickly. 

“It’s nothing from the school, is it? You didn’t get suspended for dress code did you?” Mark asked. 

“No, it’s just one of those Jehovah’s Witness pamphlets, I just spaced out for a second,” Bambam covered and Mark hummed. 

“Oh, I didn’t realize they mailed those off, Your dad must have accidentally ordered it. Just toss it out. I love you, I have to go alright, see you tonight,” Mark said.

“See you tonight. Wo ai ni Baba Mark. Come home safe,” Bambam said before hanging up the phone. 

He put the letter in his nightstand, as much as he wanted to read it right now, he had things to do, he still had to finish his homework, and he didn’t want to get his nail polish all over the letter. He would wait.

Bambam snuggled into bed, hearing the television turn off downstairs before the lumbering sound of his Baba’s heading to bed. He’d put his phone on his nightstand and turned off his desk lamp. 

He still had a night light, but it wasn’t his fault he was afraid of the dark, besides, Yugyeom had one too, so he didn’t think it was a big deal. 

After five minutes when the house was completely silent, Bambam turned over, opening his side drawer and pulling out the letter. 

He ripped open the top carefully, sliding the paper out so that it didn’t crinkle and make noise. 

_ Dear Bambam, _

_ I don’t even know how to start this letter. It gets so hard in here, and I felt like giving up so many times, and then you were there, and now I look forward to hearing from you. I count the days that my parole is up because I know that there is someone out there who understands me, who sees me for the person I am outside of the jumpsuit. I couldn’t send the letter through the school because I missed the deadline trying to find a way to get you a picture. Luckily I knew a guy who could get me a polaroid. I didn’t tell him what for though. I just- that picture you sent me, I don’t know if no one has ever told you, but you are gorgeous. Everything about you, from your head to your toes is gorgeous. Your eyes, your face, my god your lips… I hope I don’t scare you away, I don’t mean to, I just- it’s lonely in here, and here you are, like my perfect angel, staring up at me, sending me letters and pictures just for me. I hope that you like the picture I sent you, that it is enough. I know I’m a little rough. I’m nowhere near as good looking as you. I don’t think you understand just how much I like seeing those pictures. Those piercings… they do things to me, I hate that your baba said those things to you, you look amazing with those piercings, you look amazing because you’re you. Nothing could look stupid on you. I wish I were there so that I could help make things not so hard for you. Sometimes I dream that I am there, holding you tight, and things don’t seem so bad. I am glad that you still want to write me, and look forward to hearing from you, and seeing you more and more.  _

_ Thinking of you, _

_ Bryan. _

_ P.S. hope this is a good picture, it seems it’s been nearly ten years since I’ve actually taken a picture of myself. _

Bambam slid the picture out of the envelope, his heart beating quickly in his chest. Bryan was laying back in his bed, his jumpsuit pulled down so that the white shirt he was wearing under it was showing. His hands disappeared out of frame, one holding the camera, the other… well.

Bambam felt his cheeks flush and a funny feeling building in his stomach. Between his thighs twitched and he looked down at himself, the urge to reach between his legs strong. 

He let his hands drift into his pajama pants and he touched himself experimentally.

He leaned over the bed, dry heaving, the hot pocket from earlier resisting sliding back up his throat. His stomach was turning and tears were running down his face, and he couldn’t stop gagging. He was flaccid against his thigh and hadn’t even come close to orgasming. Just trying to do it physically hurt. He was wrong and weird, and his body didn’t seem to be his body at all, like he was floating above it, watching himself gag.

What the hell was wrong with him?


	12. Sorry for Sexting You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bambam tries to explore his sexuality and figure out what is wrong with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, there are underage teens exploring their sexuality. It is not glorified. I am not trying to sexualize teens. It is for plot purposes only.

Bambam crept out of his room, heading towards the bathroom. 

“Good morning Bam,” Jackson called and Bambam flinched, ducking his head. 

“Oh, baba, hey good morning,” Bambam mumbled, looking away from the man. 

“You okay?” Jackson asked and he nodded. 

“Just tired still, could I- could I go out today?” Bambam asked. 

“You have a date with Yugyeom today?” He asked and Bambam flushed. 

“No- I’m actually going to hang out with Jungkook, at his house, just play some video games. Uncle Jaebum’s home, so they’re all going to visit his grandmother,” Bambam informed and Jackson nodded. 

“I don’t want him over here, your dad gets jealous when Namjoon comes over,” Jackson joked and he could hear his baba Mark down the hall snorting. 

“I’d beg Namjoon to take you from me,” Mark teased. 

“I got to uh- I’ve got to pee,” Bambam said, pointing at the bathroom and Jackson stepped out of his way to let him go. 

Bambam walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind it and locking it. He pulled off his shirt, looking at his chest in the mirror before turning on the shower spigot. He pulled down his pants, watching them drop to the floor before doing the same with his underwear. 

He stepped under the spray, looking down at his body at the thing between his legs. 

He’d woken up stiff before, and he’d normally just ignored it until it went away, not at all curious about it. But now, now that he’d tried to masturbate last night with less than spectacular results, he wondered what he was doing wrong. 

He should ask his parents, but it didn’t feel like something he should ask his babas. They wouldn’t even let him stay home by himself, he couldn’t imagine what they would say if they thought he were masturbating. 

They would probably tell him he wasn’t old enough to do that either. 

He rubbed his hand over it again, waiting for it to get hard again before aborting that mission when the pain came back and he was on his hands and knees gagging into the drain as the water fell over his head. 

He didn’t know why people were so obsessed with it, it didn’t make sense. 

Bambam sat on Jungkook’s bed, his controller in his lap as he waited for Jungkook to come back with drinks. 

He leaned over his bed, looking around before seeing an old sock.

He reached for it to throw it into the hamper because he hated it when people just left things lying around, which was probably something he’d picked up from his parents.

His baba Mark liked to have things organized, and his Baba Jackson was a health nut who was always afraid of one of them getting sick from pathogens in the air, so he cleaned up constantly. 

“Oh, I wouldn’t pick that up if I were you, it’s filled with cum,” Jungkook said crudely and Bambam snatched his hand away. 

“Oh my god, why would you do that in a sock?” Bambam asked and Jungkook shrugged. 

“I ran out of tissues,” He said and Bambam frowned. 

“So you would- in a sock?” He asked and Jungkook laughed. 

“Dude relax, everyone does it, what do you do?” Jungkook asked and Bambam shook his head. 

“Oh come on, you’re the least bashful person I know,” Jungkook teased and Bambam shook his head again. 

“I don’t- I’ve never- I don’t do that,” Bambam said and Jungkook flopped down on the bed next to him. 

“Oh, don’t tell me you don’t masturbate, everyone masturbates, my parents are married, and my dad still does it,” Jungkook shared and Bambam groaned. 

“That’s gross Jungkook,” Bambam protested and Jungkook rolled his eyes. 

“It’s the truth.”

“No, it’s not, because I don’t.” 

“Never?”

“No, well, not really, I tried, I just- why do you do it? It hurts,” Bambam complained and Jungkook raised his eyebrows. 

“It shouldn’t hurt, if it hurts, you’re not doing it right,” Jungkook said and Bambam let out a sigh. 

So he wasn’t broken, he just didn’t do it right, that was a lot better than him thinking that something was wrong with him.   
“Dude if you want, I can teach you,” Jungkook offered, and Bambam scooted away from him. 

“I have a boyfriend Jungkook, who happens to be your best friend, and I barely like you as a friend,” Bambam said and Jungkook scoffed. 

“Oh, you fucking wish Wang-Tuan. I’m in no way shape or form attracted to your dusty ass. My dad literally is the most pro masturbation man that I’ve met, and we’ve had so many conversations about it, at this point, it’s borderline abuse, not between me and my dad, between him and his dick,” Jungkook said before reaching under his bed and pulling out a box. He took a box from under his bed before opening it out, pulling out a pamphlet. 

“When you did it, what happened?” He asked and Bambam shrugged, shifting on his bed. 

“I uh, I sort of tried to rub it a little, then it started to hurt and I ended up gagging,” Bambam explained and Jungkook nodded. 

“Okay, what were you using?” Jungkook asked. 

“A picture?” Bambam offered. 

“I didn’t mean what got you horny, I meant to slicken the way?” Jungkook asked and Bambam shook his head. 

“Nothing, although I tried in the shower, and the water didn’t help,” Bambam explained. 

“Because it’s dry, waters not going to work, and you just can’t have a go like that. You need something to lube the way, like, lube, water-based is fine, don’t use vaseline, especially for butt stuff,” Jungkook explained and Bambam raised his eyebrows. 

“Butt stuff?” He asked and Jungkook shrugged.

“Yeah, a finger up the butt sometimes helps,” Jungkook explained and Bambam shook his head. 

“Can we go back to playing video games please?” Bambam asked, his face red and Jungkook shrugged, kicking the box under his bed and throwing the bottle of lube on top of Bambam’s backpack. 

“For later, now let’s start this round,” Jungkook said nonchalantly as if they weren’t just talking about masturbating. 

Bambam laid in his bed, his phone in his hand as he stared at the ceiling. 

The picture of Bryan was tucked under his pillow, and the bottle of lube across the room in his backpack. 

He hadn’t gotten back to writing Bryan yet, and he wasn’t sure what it was that was keeping him from it. 

It wasn’t like he’d felt uneasy about the letter, he liked it, he liked the picture. 

He wanted to send another back, but for some reason, he wanted to be able to do it too, to have that physical release but he couldn’t bring himself to it, so he couldn’t bring himself to write the letter. 

**Me: Do I make you horny?**

Bambam sent before burying his head in his pillow. 

Why did he send that to Yugyeom?

**Gweomy: Duh**

**Me: Do you ever get off to me?**

**Gweomy [pic attached]**

**Gweomy: all of the time**

Bambam stared at the picture of Yugyeom, Yugyeom’s hands cupping himself through his sweatpants.

**Gweomy: Were you trying to sext me?**

**Me: No**

**Gweomy: Oh shit, sorry**

**Gweomy: Ignore that picture**

**Gweomy: Ignore me**

**Gweomy: Do you ever get off to me?**

**Me: I’ve never tried**

**Gweomy: Do you want to?**

Bambam thought back to the pain and retching. 

**Me: Not tonight… sorry**

**Gweomy: It’s cool, sorry for sexting you**

Bambam stared down at the picture Yugyeom sent once more before tucking his phone underneath his pillow along with the picture of Bryan.

Bambam walked into the school, his backpack hitched up his back. He was wearing a large sweater and jeans with holes.

The sweater was long enough to cover the holes that were placed high on his thighs, so he hoped that no one would say anything about them. 

He was tired of wearing boring clothes, so he went back to what he liked best, cute clothes that fit his style. 

Of course, he didn’t want to rock the boat, because he knew he was treading thin ice, so he wore the longest sweater he could find that didn’t have cutouts, peekaboos, or thin mesh. 

He was going for a ‘not all at once’ strategy. 

“Bam!” Yugyeom called and Bambam turned his head to see his boyfriend running towards him. 

“Hey,” Bambam said quietly and the tall boy slowed down, adjusting his gait to walk with Bambam. 

“Hey,” He said quietly and Bambam nodded, feeling awkwardness pouring off of him. 

“Hey,” He tried again. 

“Oh, I got- wait,” Yugyeom said, pulling his backpack off to dig into it. Bambam cringed as he watched the boy pull out crumbled pieces of paper and old chip bags before finally shaking something loose. Yugyeom cleared his throat before handing him a gift bag.

“It’s not our anniversary, or my birthday, or any significant holiday, what’s this for?” Bambam asked and Yugyeom straightened his baseball cap. 

“It’s uh- it’s an apology gift. I’m sorry that Bryan didn’t write you back, I know you were really looking forward to becoming friends with him, and also to uh- say sorry about the uh- about Saturday night. If I made you uncomfortable or anything, I’m so sorry. I don’t want you to think that I’m rushing us, or anything like that,” Yugyeom said and Bambam shook his head.

“I don’t think you’re rushing us. It’s not a big deal, I promise,” Bambam said before leaning up, kissing the boy on the cheek. 

The bell rang and Bambam looked up.

“I’ve got to get to class,” Bambam offered and Yugyeom nodded, smiling at Bambam. 

Bambam couldn’t help but smile back at him before pointing backward. 

“I’ve got to go,” Bambam said and Yugyeom nodded, waving the boy off. 

Yugyeom stood outside of the Principal’s office, carrying Bambam’s backpack on his shoulder. The elder of the two had been called into the office earlier in last block, and he hadn’t met come back for the rest of the block. 

Bambam stomped out of the office, wiping at his tears futilely. 

“What’s wrong?” Yugyeom asked, following after him. 

“They fucking suspended me,” Bambam cried as they walked towards the bus lot.

Bambam had been cursing more than he usually did, but Yugyeom just chalked it up to the situation. 

“For what?” He asked and Bambam pointed to his jeans that were duct-taped over. 

“My fucking jeans. I’m suspended for three days because of my jeans. I can’t even- It’s bullshit. I put the tape over them and wore the long sweater and they still had a problem with it, but the whole damn cheerleading team can wear Soffe's and it’s not a problem? It’s stupid,” Bambam complained as they boarded the bus. 

“My babas are going to kill me,” Bambam whimpered and Yugyeom pat his back softly, unsure of how to make him feel better. 

That was one thing about their relationship. Yugyeom never knew how to make Bambam feel better. He remembered when they were little, back when Yugyeom didn’t have control of his anger issues, Bambam would just latch onto him and hug him until he calmed down. 

Of course, sometimes that resulted in bruises on Bambam, but it helped him feel not so alone. But, Bambam, he was a harder shell to crack. 

He rarely cried, and when he did, Yugyeom never knew what to do to make it better. Sometimes Bambam liked to be held and touched, sometimes he withdrew and lashed out. Yugyeom just tried to do what he could and held on. 

Bambam ripped the tape off of his pants, lamenting about the residue left on it and Yugyeom helped, trying to fix it. 

They got off the bus and walked into Bambam’s house. 

Both his parents were working, so it was just them. 

“I’m going to call my Babas and tell them,” Bambam complained, and Yugyeom went to the kitchen to grab a snack while Bam talked on the phone. They took the food upstairs where they were supposed to be doing their homework, which didn’t last very long. 

Yugyeom leaned against Bambam’s headboard, the elder boy straddling his lap. He was caressing the skin that was bared from the holes in his jeans.

He was hard against bambam’s thigh and he was trying consciously not to rock his hips up against the boy. 

They never actually got this far, normally Bambam would pull back, tell them that they weren’t ready for that sort of thing, and he’d get back to his homework, his face red, and trying to calm himself down. 

But Bambam was making this sweet little sound against his lips, and he wasn’t pulling away and Yugyeom didn’t think he’d be able to control himself for much longer. 

“Feels good,” Bambam whispered, tensing from where Yugyeom was scraping his nails against his thighs and he couldn’t stop himself. 

“Bam, I’m-” He spoke breathlessly before flipping them over, pushing his hips against Bambam’s and burying his face in his throat as he came.

He took a moment to compose himself, breathing hard and open mouth against Bambam’s skin.

Bambam pushed him off of him, heaving over the side of the bed, before actually throwing up. 

“Shit, are you okay?” Yugyeom asked and Bambam nodded, his face red and his eyes swimming with tears. 

“It hurt,” Bambam said vaguely and Yugyeom sighed. 

He probably kneed him in the balls when he was flipping them, and how embarrassing was that?

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Yugyeom said, grabbing some tissues from the side table to throw over the vomit. 

“Oh, please don’t clean up my vomit,” Bambam groaned, flopping back on the bed, and Yugyeom threw more tissues over it. 

“That’s what boyfriends are for, to clean up your vomit,” Yugyeom teased and Bambam kicked him away from him, his face still red. 

“Did you get to… you know?” Bambam asked him a couple of minutes of silence.

“Yeah,” Yugyeom said, dropping back on the bed next to Bambam, the vomit all cleaned up. 

“What did it feel like?” Bambam asked.

“What?” He asked and Bambam cleared his throat. 

“Did it feel good?”

“Yeah, it felt really good,”

“Good,” Bambam whispered, and Yugyeom wrapped his arm around Bambam’s waist slowly pulling him in.


	13. Teddy Bear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bambam writes to Bryan again and sends more pictures.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bambam is being hardcore sexually groomed in this portion of the story. Again, this is not to sexualized underaged children.

“Bai Mu!” Bambam heard and he rolled off of his bed, throwing his letter into his drawer. He hadn’t been able to write back to Bryan, and anything that he wrote just came off awkward. He didn’t want to scare off the older male, he liked the attention, but he wasn’t sure exactly what he was supposed to send back to him.

He opened his door, jogging downstairs. 

He’d changed his clothes after Yugyeom came, paranoid somewhat that his fathers would look at him and know what they were doing, maybe he’d gotten some on Bambam or something. Now he was wearing a comfy pair of sweatpants and another one of his dad’s bleach stained department fundraiser shirts, this one for a barbecue cook-off. 

“Yes?” Bambam asked, tiptoeing softly into the kitchen. 

Dinner had been quiet, and Bambam ran back upstairs before a conversation could be started, but now it was time for his parents to go to bed, and this had to be something that would need to be breached.

“What happened?” Mark asked and Bambam shrugged, leaning against the doorframe. 

“You don’t know?” He asked and Bambam just shrugged again. 

“I’ll help you along, you were suspended,” Jackson started and Bambam nodded. 

“Why?” Jackson asked when the boy didn't make a move to elaborate. 

“Dress code violation,” He mumbled, running his hands through the pink tips of his hair.

“We told you to be careful, that you were due for this at any moment,” Mark began and Bambam shrugged. 

“I know, but it wasn’t even that big of a deal, and they are literally just being unfair. Yes, I had holes above my knees, however, my sweater dress was thoroughly long enough to cover them, you couldn’t see them unless you were looking, which, let’s stop and ask why a grown man was looking under my dress,” Bambam explained, exasperated and Mark sighed. 

“You could have worn leggings or another pair of jeans,” Mark pointed out. 

“But it didn’t match, and I covered up the holes with duct tape. They still got me because they have a personal vendetta or something against me. Honestly, it’s like the guy has a hard-on for me or something the way he’s constantly chasing after me,” Bambam said with a pout. 

“Hey! That’s not funny. Don’t joke like that,” Jackson warned him and he sighed, leaning against the doorframe. 

“I’m not joking,” He said before pushing his hands through his hair. 

“Look, we’re going to have a talk with the principal, but for right now, you are suspended for three days,” Mark started. 

“Which means we need to go call the babysitter, I don’t have enough time off stay with him,” Jackson started and Bambam groaned. 

“Qing baba, qing,” Bambam begged and Jackson sighed. 

“You can’t stay home by yourself,” Jackson started and Bambam dropped to his knees. 

“Qing, baba!” He begged harder. 

“Jackson, he is fifteen, and it’s just during the day, besides, we let him stay here with Yugyeom for a whole weekend,” Mark tried to rationalize.

“And he dyed his hair. We leave him alone during the day and he’ll be running a communistic regime by lunchtime,” Jackson said stubbornly. 

“His  _ comrade _ will be in school. Qing baba,” Mark begged alongside Jackson, kissing him softly on the corner of his lips. 

“Fine, you can stay home by yourself, now get to bed,” Jackson said, giving in to defeat, and Bambam frowned. 

“Why do I have to go to bed, I don’t have school tomorrow,” He pointed out and Jackson scoffed.

“If you think you’re going to be lying around all day, you’re wrong. You’re catching up on chores, and you’re going to get three chapters ahead in class,” Jackson started and Bambam held his arms up. 

“Alright, alright, I’ll go to bed, I love you,” He said, kissing his parents on the cheek. 

“Wan an” He called before heading upstairs.

_ Bambam laid on top of Yugyeom, the boy's lips pressing tightly against his own. His hands were caressing his sides, moving softly over any skin he could reach. His palms were big as they cupped his thigh, pulling him against him and Bambam groaned, moving against the boys. It felt good, and his skin was heating up. He kept trying to open his mouth, to tell the boy that it felt good, that he wanted more, that he wanted to do something else, but his words weren’t coming out, only small hitching breaths and whines.  _

_ Yugyeom flipped him over, covering his body with his own. _

_ “Stop, stop I don’t like this game,” Bambam said, beating on Yugyeom’s chest.  _

_ He was so much bigger than him now, and Bambam was small.  _

_ “It’s fun. Don’t you want to play?” Yugyeom asked and Bambam shook his head, clutching a teddy bear to his chest _

_ “Don’t worry, I’ll teach you how to have fun,” Yugyeom said over him and Bambam opened his mouth, a string of words coming out that he couldn’t understand.  _

_ He had to be speaking a different language, but he didn’t know exactly what it was, because it wasn’t Mandarin, it wasn’t Cantonese, it definitely wasn’t English, and it didn’t sound like the Hangul that he’d heard at Yugyeom’s house.  _

_ “Let lung help you,” Yugyeom said, taking the teddy bear out of his hands.  _

_ “There’s nothing to be afraid of see, we just want to play, let’s play,” Yugyeom said above him, pretending to make the teddy bear walk up his arm then the other arm, then his right leg. _

_ “Let’s play,” Yugyeom said from the bottom of the bed and the teddy bear grew three times as big, it’s incisors glowing with saliva in the dark and staring down at him menacingly. _

Bambam woke up quickly, his stomach churning and breath fighting it’s way out of his chest. 

He was scared, so fucking scared that it made him want to crawl into bed with his Babas. 

He grabbed his phone, checking it to see that it was already seven-thirty and that his fathers had already left for the day, so there would be no laying in the bed while they calmed him down. 

He felt stupid for even being so scared. 

It was literally a teddy bear, he was afraid of a teddy bear with teeth. 

It was so childish, he almost understood why his fathers would want him to have a baby sitter. Only babies would have nightmares about their teddy bears coming to life and trying to eat them. 

“Get it together dude,” He said to himself as he kicked his feet over the side of his bed. 

**Me: Good Morning!**

**BabaMark: You’re finally up sleepy head**

**BabaJackson: We didn’t wake you because you looked exhausted, the list of chores is on the fridge**

**BabaMark: I’ll call you on my lunch break**

**BabaJackson: g2g. Love you**

**Me: Love you too, stay safe.**

Bambam rubbed his hands over his face, slipping his phone into his pocket before heading downstairs to get started on the chores.

Bambam laid on his bed, scrolling through social media on his laptop, he was supposed to be doing homework, but that wasn’t happening. 

_ @DoubleB: send me something to watch, I’m bored… _

He sent out before flipping over and looking over at his dresser. 

He could write Bryan back.

His phone pinged and he looked over, grabbing it.

_ @Lalalalalisa: You should watch a Thai drama _

_ @DoubleB: Why would I watch a Thai drama? _

_ @Lalalalalisa: You’re Thai right? _

_ @DoubleB: Yeah, but I don’t know Thai _

_ @DoubleB: recommend me one, preferably one with subtitles, and gays, no hets here. _

Bambam watched as a title popped up 

@lalalalalisa: You’ll thank me later

Bambam laid on the couch, his legs crossed in the air as he stared at the computer screen. 

“I brought home take out- what are you doing?” Bambam heard and he looked up at the door. 

His baba Jackson was standing there, shaking off his jacket from the rain and hanging it up.

“Just watching this show, where’s Baba Mark?” Bambam asked and Jackson sighed. 

“Still working overtime, I can’t wait until this case is over and done with, so we can move on,” Jackson said before coming to lean into the screen. 

“What are you watching?” His father asked, coming to watch the screen beside him and Bambam watched with mortification as the two leads leaned back on the bed. 

“Just some Thai soap opera,” Bambam said, slamming the computer lid down. 

“Oh, really?” Jackson said, looking as if he were trying to suppress a laugh. 

“Leave me alone,” Bambam groaned before furrowing his brow. 

“Did you bring home Italian?” Bambam asked and Jackson nodded, taking it to the living room, Bambam following. 

Man doesn’t live on hot pockets alone. 

“Why were you watching a Thai drama?” Jackson asked and Bambam shrugged. 

“Someone on Twitter recommended it for me. She’s Thai, and she thought that I would like it. I’m Thai, so I guess it would make sense for me to watch them, like how Uncle Jaebum watches Korean ones and cries when he’s off,” Bambam pointed out and Jackson nodded. 

“Are you… more curious about your Thai heritage?” Jackson asked and Bambam shrugged. 

“I don’t know, I don’t really feel connected to it. Like it’s nice seeing people who look like me, like my skin tone, but at the same time, I don’t know, my family isn’t Thai, it’s Chinese American, and I’m culturally Chinese, so it’s not, I don’t know, I didn’t think a lot about it,” Bambam said before looking down at his plate, it was the truth he really didn’t know how he felt about being Thai. 

“It’s not something you should feel ashamed of, just because your mom couldn’t take care of you, doesn’t mean you have to turn your back on that. You won’t hurt my feelings, or your baba’s feelings if you want to look into your heritage more,” Jackson said and Bambam nodded. 

He was glad that his father felt so. 

Bambam laid in bed, his eyes closed as he listened to his father's moving around the house, getting ready for bed. They were talking, about him of course, because he’d told his father he wanted to know more about being Thai, but he couldn’t hear anything but his name. 

He rolled over, grabbing his phone as he heard the floor creak as the two of them went to bed. 

He settled into bed, scrolling through his Instagram as he waited for them to finally fall asleep.

He got out of bed, turning on his bedside lamp before resituating back on his bed.

He pulled the letter out of his bedside table, sitting cross-legged as he assorted his notebook and pens around him. 

_ Dear Bryan, _

_ I’m sorry I haven’t answered you back. I really liked the pictures _

He stopped, crumbling up the page. He didn’t want to make it seem weird. 

_ How have you been? How’s prison? _

He crumpled up that one too. That was stupid, prison was the same, obviously.

_ No one has ever made me feel the way you do. You make me feel sexy, make me feel like something desirable, having someone so… mature be attracted to me… it’s so crazy. I hope that doesn’t scare you away. I know I’m young, and I’m not so experienced, but with you, I feel like it doesn’t matter. I feel bold and brave. I got suspended from school and even though I was suspended over bullshit because my pants had holes I felt bold. I think it’s stupid. But, I think it’s bold you know? I did something, even though I got in trouble because I felt good doing it. I think that feeling good doing something is important. It’s good to give in to things you want and that makes you feel good. I think I’m learning that from you. Your picture… it made me feel good, and I hope that I make you feel good as well. I tried to relieve myself in that way, but I don’t know how yet. I want to know though. I wish I were older so that I could see you in person, I hope that you can get out soon and that we can really meet. Keep your head up, and if there is anything I can do to help you get on parole, let me know.  _

_ Stay safe, _

_ Bambam _

He put the letter in his desk drawer before resituating on the bed, trying to figure out exactly how to pose. He finally gave up, reaching for his phone.

He clicked on google before tapping the keys nervously.

He didn’t know why he was doing this. It felt silly, but he wanted to do it so bad in this moment. If he waited until daylight, he’d chicken out, he knew he would. 

He sighed before his fingers finally set out a clear path.

_ How to take tasteful nudes _

Bambam scrolled through the articles, skimming over them. Most of them were for people with breasts, but he couldn’t help but think that some of it were solid advice.

He slipped his shirt off, afraid of getting the cartoon duck on his pajama shirt in the frame. He picked up his polaroid, lifting it over his head and putting his index finger in his mouth so that his lips were separated slightly before taking the picture.

The picture developed and he looked at it. 

He’d taken it a little too low so that you could only see his lips and the length of his neck. 

It wasn’t a bad picture, it was actually really good, but it wasn’t exactly what he was going for. 

He got out of bed, shimmying out of his pajamas before grabbing his phone. 

He kneeled on the bed, leaning his phone against the bedpost before letting the timer go off and taking the picture with an audible click.

He laid back down, his heart beating wildly in his chest as he looked at it.

He looked… sexy.

Bambam got out of bed as he heard his father’s car start and drive out of the driveway. He connected his phone to the printer before printing out the picture that he’d taken last night. 

He had a printer in his room, one of the smallest freedoms that he was actually allowed in the house, but it was mainly because his parents assumed he’d need it to print out papers for class. Bambam did use it for that, but also to print dumb things, like photoshopped pictures of himself on the runway for fashion week, or general aesthetic pictures of cats. 

He slipped the pictures into the envelope with his letter before sealing it and heading downstairs. His heart was beating fast because this seemed like a really big deal, but if he did it quickly, it seemed manageable. 

He slipped the envelope into the mailbox and lifted the flag. 

It was done.

Bambam heard the door open and he waved a hand, taking one of his earbuds out. 

“Still watching that Thai drama?” Jackson asked and Bambam shook his head. 

“I finished that one yesterday, I’m watching a new one,” He said, biting into carrot stick. 

“A new one? Have you been doing that all day?” He asked and Bambam shook his head. 

‘No, I did some reading earlier,” He said distractedly. 

“Today’s Thursday, you have a therapy appointment,” He pointed out, and Bambam frowned. 

“Oh, I do,” He said before closing his laptop and grabbing his phone. 

“Baba, it’s in like twenty minutes and I haven’t showered, can we please skip it today?” Bambam begged. 

“I don’t know, you’ve had an eventful week don’t you think, I’m sure there is something you need to talk with her about,” He said and Bambam whined, flopping back onto his back on the couch. 

“Please Baba, please, don’t you want to stay home, order some healthy takeout and watch this Thai drama with me? Please!” Bambam begged and Jackson sighed. 

“Fine, I’ll go cancel your appointment, but we’re not going to make a habit of it, okay?” He said and Bambam jumped up, hugging Jackson tight. 

“Okay, go shower you smell like a cop,” Bambam said pushing him away. 

“What does that even mean?” Jackson asked, letting Bambam push him towards the stairs. 

Bambam sat on the couch, leaned into Jackson’s side as they watched. His dad was trying to watch eagerly, but Bambam could tell that he was dozing off. 

They’d ended up watching five episodes, and the house was draped in shadows from where they had neglected to turn on the lights. Of course, a night light cast a glow from the hallway, because most of the house was equipped with them. 

Bambam wasn’t the only person afraid of the dark in the house. 

“What if you like two people at once?” Bambam asked and his dad shook his head before looking at Bambam as if he were trying to understand what he was saying. 

“This sounds like something you could have talked to your therapist about,” Jackson joked and Bambam slapped his arm. 

“I was kidding, do you like two people right now? Who could possibly be good enough to take the shine off of Yugyeom?” Jackson quizzed and Bambam shook his head as his phone vibrated. 

“Is that Jungkook, why are you texting Jungkook? Is it Jungkook, I thought your baba told you to stay away from Jungkook, you said Jungkook wasn’t your type,” Jackson barraged and Bambam pushed him away. 

“I don’t even like Jungkook like that, it’s not like that,” He said and his dad snatched his phone away from him. 

_ Junkcock: Did the lube help? _

“The lube, why is Jungkook asking you about lube?” Jackson asked and Bambam snatched his phone away. 

“Baba! You can’t just read my text messages, that’s a serious invasion of my privacy,” Bambam defended because he didn’t really think he could tell his dad why Jungkook had given him a bottle of lube anyway. 

“Are you having sex?” His father asked and he shook his head. 

“No, gross, I’m a virgin” He hissed and his baba froze before his face turned red. 

“You were- oh, why didn’t you come to me about this? I know it’s embarrassing, but-”

“Dad, please, I don’t want to talk about that, please,” Bambam begged and Jackson opened his mouth like he was going to say something else. Bambam knew it was going to be embarrassing so he slammed his laptop, wrapping his blanket around it. 

“I’m going to bed,” He said quickly, mortified as his father threw a wink at him.

“He’s masturbating,” Bambam heard and he plugged his headphones into his phone, turning the volume all the way up until it drowned out the conversation between his two babas downstairs. 

  
  


Bambam laid in bed, the letter pressed to his chest.

It was Saturday night, the letter arriving that morning. He’d gotten lucky that his babas made him check the mail instead of going to get it themselves. They'd spent the day together, and so Bambam didn’t have the chance to read the letter, although, with those pictures he’d sent, he wasn’t sure he would want to read it at any time that wasn't night. 

His fathers had gone to bed an hour ago, both falling asleep through another Thai drama. 

Of course, Baba Mark really only liked horror movies and thrillers, and Baba Jackson was either a summer action blockbuster or cheesy urban comedy type of guy, so they weren’t really as into it as Bambam.

He’d been holding onto the letter anyway because he was too afraid to open it. He didn’t know why. Maybe it was because he’d sent those pictures, maybe it was because he couldn’t stop gagging any time he’d tried to touch himself-- and it was a lot during his suspension, because he didn’t have anything else to do and he was still so  _ curious _ \-- whatever it was, it was making him hesitate. 

He finally closed his eyes, releasing the adhesive from the flap before pulling the letter out of the envelope. 

_ Bambam, _

_ I was so afraid- so afraid that I’d messed it up when you didn’t write me back. I’d thought that I scared you away, I’d written you at least twenty letters, each trying to fix fucking things up, only for you to be the angel you are and accept me, accept us. I don’t care that you’re inexperienced. I don’t care that you are younger than me, I like you for you. I was shocked you would even look at me in this away, that you would think about me as anything other than a bad man. I’ve done a lot of things I regret, things I am afraid to tell you, because I’m afraid you would turn your back on me, but I will never regret you. It’s hard in here, but knowing you’re there, it makes it better, and for those days when I thought I would never have you again, I felt lost. I told myself I was wrong to get myself in a situation like this, knowing where I am now, and why I am here, but you were right. It’s better to live for pleasure. I’ve always been one to chase pleasure, to do what feels good to me, I want you to live that way too. For you to chase pleasure, to make pleasure your bitch. You deserve to feel great always. I wish I could help you more, but I don’t know what you’re doing wrong in that department. We’re not allowed to do that in here if we’re even caught scratching it’s automatic SHU. But, I can’t help myself when I think of you. I normally put my pillow over my cock and just rut against it, imagine that I’m making love to you. I always cum from that. You should try it with a stuffed animal, it's smaller and easier to move around. I await your pictures, just thinking about the pictures you sent me last time has me hard. I know I’ve told you before, But you are absolutely ravaging. I can’t explain the things that I want to do to you, the things I want with you. I can’t wait to leave this place.  _

_ I want to see you so bad. _

_ P.S. Paroles still going horribly, but I’m making headway, I’ll have to figure some way to let them know I’ve changed, _

_ Yours forever, _

_ Bryan. _

Bambam read the words over and over again, his skin heating at the implications. He pulled the picture that he’d sent out from the last letter, resting it in front of him. 

He made him like this, he made him want to touch himself. Bryan risked solitary confinement to relieve himself and it was all for Bambam.

He could feel that ball in his stomach, the concentrated heat in his pelvis and he tried to touch himself, the nausea coming back. 

He pulled back, reaching for something to hold onto to distract him from throwing up when his hand clutched one of his stuffed animals.

He held it between his legs and closed his eyes.

Bambam’s chest heaved as he looked down his body at the aftermath. His head was floaty, almost far away, and shocks were still going through his core. His stomach was marked in his ejaculate and he knew he had to wipe it away and go to bed. 

He reached for a napkin before stopping, his hands going to his camera instead.

He took a picture of his dirty bare stomach, capturing his lips down to his hip bones in the picture, his braces gleaming in the low light from where he was biting into his plump bottom lip.

He slipped it into an envelope, knowing he would be sending it to Bryan.


	14. Remorse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bambam learns a little more about his heritage.

Yugyeom watched as Bambam walked through the door, his jeans fitted and his shirt billowy but sheer in places.

He couldn’t believe that he would come to school like this, knowing he had just gotten suspended for dress code violations last week. 

Yugyeom looked back and forth, looking for administration, or any teachers that would have an issue with what the boy was wearing. He power walked up to the boy and threw his jacket over his shoulders. 

“What are you doing?” Bambam asked and Yugyeom sighed. 

“I’m saving you from getting suspended again, or maybe even expelled. Your dads let you leave the house like that?” Yugyeom asked and Bambam smirked at him. 

“I do a lot of things without my babas knowing about it,” He said and Yugyeom couldn’t help but blush, thinking about what they’d done the last time they were together.

He hadn’t seen the boy since he’d been suspended, Bambam being grounded, or rather Yugyeom assumed that he was because the boy hadn’t texted him, or seen him for the whole weekend. 

“Your face is really red,” Bambam said, pinching his cheek and Yugyeom cleared his throat. 

“I was uh- thinking about Tuesday when we- you know,” Yugyeom said and Bambam frowned. 

“Don’t- let’s not talk about that,” Bambam said, his face wrinkling up. 

The familiar fear came back, that Bambam was upset with him, was mad because of what had happened. 

He and Bambam hadn’t done anything, and the most in-depth talk about sex they’d had was just them talking about how they weren’t ready for it. Of course, Yugyeom could recognize that they were too young to do those things. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t horny, and most of his friends were doing things like this, and he wanted to do things like that with Bambam. Bambam however, had always seemed to have an aversion to sex, as if he weren’t interested in it, even though a lot of his dress was hypersexualized. 

“Are you uh- are you mad about that? I’m sorry that I  _ came, _ ” Yugyeom whispered, and Bambam smacked him in the chest. 

“Shut up,” Bambam groaned and Yugyeom rubbed his cheek. 

“I’m sorry, really,” He tried and Bambam hid his face in his hands.

“I’m not mad at you, I promise,” Bambam spoke, exasperated. 

Jungkook walked up. 

“Hey losers, how was your suspension?” Jungkook asked and Bambam rolled his eyes. 

“Boring as fuck,” Bambam said before pausing.

“My dad saw your texts, so I’ll never live that embarrassment down,” Bambam complained and Yugyeom paused. 

“You weren’t grounded?” He asked and Bambam looked up at him. 

“What?” He asked quietly. 

“You weren’t grounded? I thought that was why you didn’t text me last week,” Yugyeom said and Bambam turned red. 

“I uh-” 

The bell rang and he pointed to the ceiling as if pointing to the bell.

“We’ve got class,” Bambam said and yugyeom sighed, following after the boy, even though they were going the same way so there was no reason for the conversation to end.

Yugyeom watched as Bambam stopped at the mailbox, checking it before going towards the door. 

“Coming?” Bambam asked and Yugyeom nodded, headed up the porch stairs after him. 

“Did Bryan ever write you back?” Yugyeom asked and Bambam looked up at him. 

“Huh?” He asked and yugyeom tried to ignore the weird feeling in his stomach. 

“Did Bryan write you back? you were really upset about it a couple of weeks ago, now you don’t seem to care,” Yugyeom pointed out and Bambam shook his head. 

“No,” Bambam said quickly and Yugyeom nodded, wrapping his arms around Bambam’s shoulders and nuzzling into his neck as he opened the door. 

“Oh, well that’s good, he was kind of creepy, wasn’t he?” Yugyeom said and Bambam shook his head. 

“He’s not creepy,” Bambam defended. 

“Well yeah, I guess not, cause he didn’t continue contact with you, but if he had, it would be creepy, there would be no one to check the letters, no one to stop him from sending you weird letters, ask for nudes,” Yugyeom complained and Bambam froze before shaking his head. 

“You’re the only one asking me for nudes, does that make you the creep?” He asked. 

“I never asked you for nudes, Jungkook had my phone,” Yugyeom defended.

“Speaking of, why did you text Jungkook this weekend and not me?” Yugyeom asked with a pout and Bambam turned in his arms, leaning up to attach his mouth with Yugyeom’s. 

“That’s not an answer,” Yugyeom said and Bambam scoffed. 

“Come on, do you want to talk, or do you want to go upstairs, to my room,” Bambam asked and Yugyeom opened his mouth. 

He wanted to talk because he had no idea why Bambam was being so weird towards him, but Bambam was actively starting something, and that wasn’t something that he could pass on. 

“That’s what I thought, come on,” Bambam said, pulling on Yugyeom’s shirt. 

“But- you didn’t call your babas,” He pointed out, and Bambam shrugged. 

“I’ll call them afterward.”

Yugyeom looked down at Bambam, who was sitting on his thighs, his fingers messing with his underwear. They’d gotten upstairs, watched an episode of a Thai drama and somehow he’d ended up with his pants off and his boyfriend hovering over him.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

Bambam’s eyes were screwed tight and he was squirming around, trying to move his hips. It was clumsy and Yugyeom could see the boy’s stomach jumping like he was gagging. 

“Hey, hey,” Yugyeom said, reaching out and caressing Bambam’s face. He froze and Yugyeom held his hand there, afraid to move it. 

“It worked- it worked Saturday,” Bambam whimpered softly and Yugyeom rolled from under Bambam, cuddling him to his chest. 

“What worked, what’s going on?” He asked and Bambam pushed his hip into Yugyeom’s. 

“I came Saturday, why can’t I- why can’t I do it?” Bambam asked and Yugyeom pushed his hair out of his face. 

“It’s not- it’s fine, I’m not mad, we can stop,” Yugyeom said and Bambam shook his head, pushing away from Yugyeom and pushing him down on the bed. 

Yugyeom watched as the boy moved down his body before pulling down his underwear and taking him into his mouth.

“Bam! Yugyeom!” Yugyeom startled, hearing Mark downstairs. 

“Shit,” He swore, pushing Bambam away who was just blank-faced.

He pulled his underwear up, grabbing his pants and pulling them on before throwing Bambam’s clothes at him. 

“Bambam! get dressed, your dad’s coming,” Yugyeom said and that kicked him into gear. 

they pulled their clothes on right as Mark opened the door. 

“Did you not hear me?” Mark asked and Bambam cleared his throat. 

“We were watching a drama, what are you doing home? Baba said you were working late,” Bambam started and Mark eyed them. 

“I don’t have any more overtime, is Youngjae home yet?” Mark asked Yugyeom and Yugyeom looked down at his phone. 

“Yeah, I should head home,” Yugyeom said softly. 

“I’ll drive you,” Mark offered and Yugyeom nodded, grabbing his backpack. 

They headed back to his house and Yugyeom wanted to lean down and kiss his boyfriend, but his dad was there and Bambam was doing everything to not look at him, and he couldn’t stop thinking about how Bambam’s face looked. 

So he just got out of the car and headed into the house. 

“What’s wrong?” Youngjae asked as soon as he walked in and he bit his fingernail before looking at Youngjae. 

“Bambam gave me a Blowjob and Mark came home,” Yugyeom said, hyperventilating. 

“Okay, calm down, what did he say to you?” Youngjae asked and Yugyeom shook his head. 

“He didn’t catch us, but, Bambam- he wouldn’t look at me, and he didn’t talk to me all weekend, but he talked to Jungkook, and he came this weekend, and he can’t cum with me, and he’s avoiding my questions and he’s fucking Jungkook, he has to be and I-” Yugyeom turned his foot going through the wall plaster.

He was blacking out, getting too angry to stop himself.

He felt arms around his body and legs wrapping around his as he hit the floor but he couldn't stop lashing out.

“Bam,” Mark said as he knocked on his door and Bambam cleared his throat.

He'd brushed his teeth three times but he couldn't get the taste out of his mouth.

He thought that by giving Yugyeom head, it might cement his feelings for the boy. It was obvious that something was going on with Bambam, and that he was slowly pulling away from him, but he still loved him. At least, he thought he still loved him. But as much and as hard as he'd tried to be able to be with Yugyeom, he couldn't. So maybe that meant he didn't love him anymore. 

He didn't know how he was going to tell him. He'd known him since he first came to live with his fathers. How could he say he didn't love him?

“Bai Mu,” Mark called and he shook his head. 

“What?” he asked and Mark laughed, ruffling his hands through Bambam's hair.

“You weren't listening were you?” Mark asked. To be truthful, Bambam hadn't even heard his dad come into his room, and he felt kind of weird for not hearing him.

“Oh sorry, I zoned out.”

“Yeah, I can see that. I was wondering if you wanted to go grab some chow?” Mark asked and Bambam shrugged. 

“There's a Thai restaurant off main I heard was really good if you want to try it out?” Mark asked and Bambam nodded.

Bambam took the last bite before looking up at his dad.

“This is nice, I know I haven't been home as much as I'd like,” Mark started and Bambam nodded, swirling his cup around. 

“I understand, it's your job, but it is nice to just be together,” Bambam said.

“Your baba told me you've been more interested in your heritage, and you've been more curious about being Thai, “ his father started and Bambam shook his head. 

“I promise I'm happy being in this family. I don't-”

Mark held his finger up.

“I know you don't mean any disrespect. You want to know who you are. I'm not mad, and it will never detract from our family. I know that. So, here,” Mark placed a folder on the table and Bambam reached for it tentatively. He opened it up, his hands smoothing over the paper on the inside.

It was his Birth Certificate. The one that wasn't displayed on the mantle in the living room.

“Kunpimook Bhuwakul?” Bambam whispered, his own name sounded weird in his mouth, but he could hear it in a lilting Thai accent.

“And my mae?” Bambam asked, his hands going to the woman's name.

“She… couldn't take care of you anymore. She was on drugs and made a lot of bad decisions, she's in prison for child endangerment, “ Mark said gently and Bambam nodded.

He wanted to ask why. What did she do to endanger him? But, he remembered being left alone a lot. He closed his eyes, trying to imagine him being alone the final time, him being hungry, him calling out for his mae who didn't come. Maybe a neighbor reported it, his dads came and saved him, and they made him their baby. He got lucky he found someone who could take care of him.

“Thank you!” he whispered, reaching forward to hug Mark.

“We just want you to be happy,” Mark said and Bambam nodded.

He wanted to be happy too.

Bambam turned over in his bed. He was too excited to go to sleep. He sat up, grabbing the last letter Bryan sent him. He’d sent off that picture Sunday morning while hanging out with his dad as he paid the bills. 

It was tricky, and he was honestly surprised it had even worked. 

Of course it was only Monday night, so there was no way he’d have another letter, but he couldn’t help the want to read the words that had sparked the moment. It made him feel bold, to send a message that just said ‘For You’. 

He read over the letter again, before putting it down and grabbing a pen and a piece of paper, this time black, because Black was mature and alluring, right?

_ Dear Bryan, _

_ You could never scare me away. There is something about you that sets me free, that makes me want to be more than I am. You excite me, you arouse me, more so than even my boyfriend. I’m thinking of ending it with him because I can’t- I can’t see myself with him, not like you. You’re mature, and you treat me in a way that he never could. He doesn’t see me for the real me, the me that you’ve helped create. Now I hope I’m not scaring you off. I want you to get out soon, so I’ll do whatever it is that you need so that we can be together soon. I know that I’m young, but I’m doing what you taught me, I’m going to do what excites me, I’m going to chase my pleasure, I’m going to be bold. The thought of you making love to me, it lights a fire in me, I can’t get off to anything but you. I did what you told me to do, and the experience was different, so different than anything I’d ever done. It felt good, and I want to feel that good always. You make me feel good.  _

_ So many things in my life have changed because of you, and I can’t imagine what it would be like if I had never written to you. I’m more at home with myself I think, I’m doing things that make me happy, and I’m learning things about myself that I never thought I would. Because of you, I’m not afraid. I’m resourceful. I learned my real name today, My babas told me about my life before I got to them, and I found out what my name was before I was Bai Mu. I don’t remember anything about why I was taken from my mother, and even parts of my childhood before that last day are blocked from my memory. But they gave me a piece back, gave me a piece of me back, and because of you, I’ll finally be brave enough to explore it. My name was Kunpimook Bhuwakul. Isn’t that amazing? I can’t wait to find more about who I am, and I can’t wait to do it all with you. _

_ Yours Truly, _

_ Kunpimook Bhuwakul (Bambam) _

Bambam took a picture of his face, lips puckered in a kiss before watching it print out. 

He stuck it in the envelope, and sealing it, knowing he would send it off in the morning. He picked up his phone, his hands hovering over the text icon before finally pressing call. Doing this by text would be shitty. He had to do it right, even if he didn’t feel the same way about Yugyeom, he was still his best friend overall, and he would want to preserve their friendship overall. 

He listened to the phone ring before it switched to the fuzzy noise of voicemail.

“Yugyeom you loser, why are you sleeping right now? We need to talk, I guess we’ll talk in the morning, Love you, Goodnight,” He said before hanging up.

Bambam slipped the letter in the mailbox right before his Dad walked out of the house. 

“Ready to go?” He asked and Bambam nodded. 

“Thanks for driving me, I can’t believe I missed the bus,” Bambam complained and Mark ruffled his hair. 

“It’s fine, you’re lucky I had a late start this morning, now come on,” Mark said, opening the driver side door. 

Bambam walked into the school, moving to his locker. He could guess that Yugyeom was at breakfast, so he had a little bit of time to compose himself before he had to talk to him. He didn’t know how he was going to do it, but he was going to do it. He couldn’t keep dragging the boy on, he loved Yugyeom, he couldn’t hurt him.

“Bam!” He heard and he turned quickly to see Youngjae stalking towards him.

The taller boy cornered him at the locker and Bambam leaned back. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” Bambam asked and Youngjae slapped his hand over his mouth. 

“Shut up, don’t talk. Whatever is going on between you and Yugyeom, fix it. Do you understand me?” Youngjae asked and Bambam nodded. 

“I am, I promise,” Bambam said against his hands and Youngjae shook his head. 

“No, what you’re about to do is going to ruin it more, I mean it Bambam, don’t break his heart, don’t break up with him, I don’t care who the other boy is, you break it off with him, not Yugyeom,” Youngjae said and Bambam’s face turned white. 

“What- did Yugyeom tell you I was cheating on him?”

“Well aren’t you?” Youngjae countered and Bambam nodded softly. 

“I can’t- you can’t tell him- I’m trying Youngjae, I’m trying to do what’s right, what do you do when you love two people?” Bambam asked and Youngjae sighed, pulling away from Bambam.

“Is it really love or do they just make you feel special? I can’t tell you how you feel, but I can tell you how he feels, and he feels awful because he thinks he’s not enough when obviously the only person lacking here is you. You better fix this,” Youngjae said vaguely and Bambam nodded. 

He’d have to fix it.

The bell rang and Youngjae pushed away from him, fixing his backpack. He headed down the hall and to his class and Bambam watched him go, wondering what the hell he was going to do. 

The door opened and he looked up from his worksheet to see Yugyeom hobbling on crutches through the doorway. 

He handed the teacher a note before slowly making his way to the seat next to his. 

“What happened?” Bambam whispered and he pointed down to his ankle. 

“I broke my foot,” He said and Bambam frowned. 

“How?”

“I had a- uh, episode last night, blacked out, so I don’t really remember, though Youngjae did have a black eye, so I’m guessing he accidentally restrained me wrong, although, there was a hole in the wall, so maybe it was that,” Yugyeom said and Bambam sighed, reaching out to grab the boy’s hand. 

He couldn’t break up with him. 

“You called me last night?” Yugyeom said after a second of silence and Bambam nodded, looking down at his folder. 

“I just wanted to tell you my dad’s told me my Thai name, but the way I worded it made it sound kind of serious, sorry,” Bambam said, and Yugyeom nodded, a smile of relief slipping onto his face, and it made Bambam feel even worse. 


	15. Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bambam finds out just who Bryan is

Bambam opened the mailbox to see that there was a letter awaiting him. He smiled to himself before looking back at Yugyeom. 

“I really wish you didn’t break your foot, you're so slow,” Bambam complained, turning to look back at his boyfriend. 

“You’re so mean to me, have some compassion,” He called as he hobbled up behind Bambam. 

“Come on, let’s go,” Bambam said, grabbing his hand and tugging him to the house.

They made it into the house and Bambam dropped the mail off into the kitchen, his own letter tucked into his backpack before looking back at Yugyeom. 

“You want to watch a Thai drama?” He asked and Yugyeom nodded, before looking at the stairs. 

“Do we have to go upstairs?” Yugyeom asked and bambam nodded. 

Yugyeom groaned. 

“I’ll make it worth your while, come on,” He said and Yugyeom turned red, but let Bambam lead him upstairs. 

“Does it really hurt?” Bambam teased, sticking his bottom lip out cutely and Yugyeom nodded. 

“Don’t worry, noo will fix it,” He whispered before pushing Yugyeom back on the bed and attaching his lips to his.

Bambam rolled off Yugyeom, whose chest was heaving from exertion.

“Let me help you,” Yugyeom offered, kissing down the side of Bambam’s face and to his neck. 

“What are you going to do?” Bambam asked, shuddering, his heart pounding in his chest. 

He was trying to get Yugyeom into his mind the same way that Bryan was. It was possible to love two people at once, or at least he was sure it was, and he still loved Yugyeom. He could do this. 

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll make you feel good,” Yugyeom said, his hands trailing across his chest. 

He could still taste Yugyeom in his mouth, and part of him kind of wanted to push Yugyeom away, go rinse his mouth out, and go make a hot pocket. The other part of him was still kind of horny, and he wanted to prove to himself that he could actually cum with Yugyeom. 

Yugyeom’s hands trailed down to his stomach before popping his waistband. 

Bambam startled and Yugyeom slipped his hands into his pants. 

“No, no stop, stop, don’t-” Bambam said, squirming away from Yugyeom’s hand as he began to gag. He had barely begun to touch him, and he already felt the bile rising in his throat and that familiar pain. 

“Hey- what’s going on?” Yugyeom asked and Bambam pushed his hand away, reaching out to grab the stuffed animal from beside his bed. He wanted to do this Yugyeom’s way, but it wasn’t happening. 

“This, use this,” Bambam whispered and Yugyeom sat up, taking the animal from him. 

“You want me to- use this?” He asked, kneeling in front of Bambam. 

“O-okay,” He said before pulling Bambam’s underwear down his legs. 

“Bambam?” Bambam’s eyes drifted open to see Yugyeom hovering over him, a concerned look on his face. He recoiled from it. 

“What- what’s wrong, what’s going on, why’d you stop?” He asked and Yugyeom raised his eyebrow, looking down Bambam’s body. Bambam let his eyes follow. 

“You came, was it that good?” He asked and Bambam frowned. 

He came with Yugyeom?

He actually did it. 

“Oh shut up,” Bambam complained and Yugyeom helped put his pants back on. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked and Bambam nodded, wiping the tears off of his cheeks, and why the hell was he crying? He didn’t know what happened, he barely remembered the bear touching him, but he had that floaty sense, so it must have happened. 

“Like no weird shit, but you sound cute when you cum,” Yugyeom said and Bambam punched him in the shoulder. 

“What do you mean no weird shit, I’m your boyfriend, and who says someone sounds cute? I should be sexy, there is nothing cute about jizz you weirdo,” Bambam berated him. 

“No, like actually cute, like a little kid, and whatever you said was not in English, or Mandarin,” Yugyeom said and Bambam knocked him off of the bed. 

“That’s fucking weird you pedophile, besides, you sound like an actual ape when you cum,” Bambam said, jumping onto him on the floor and pretending to be a monkey. 

Yugyeom pinned him, swooping down to kiss him. 

“You know, I really love you,” Yugyeom said and Bambam gave him a tight smile. 

“I love you too,” He whispered. 

Bambam sat up in bed, his parents long asleep. 

He reached over for his backpack, pulling the letter out before opening it.

_ Dear Bambam, _

_ You dirty boy.  _

_ That letter you sent me was fucking amazing. I’ve already fucked my pillow three times thinking about how you looked, looking at the beautiful mess you make. I want to be the only person who makes you cum like that. Promise me you’ll let me be the only one to see you like that. Even as I write this, I am looking at that picture, and I am thinking about what I want to do to you. Shall I tell you? Should I tell you how I want to take you somewhere no one will find us, where I can worship your body, where no one can tell me no. I want to lay you out on the bed, kiss you head to toe, let you fuck that teddy bear while you moan so sweetly. I bet you have the prettiest moans. Then I want to fuck you nice and deep, make you so full it hurts to breathe. I want to ruin you for anyone else. Say you’ll let me ruin you. I heard back from my lawyer. I’m getting through to my first round of parole decisions, and I think it will be favorable.  _

_ When I get out, I want us to meet up, to make it real. I just need one thing from you. I just need you to write me a letter to tell the Judge that I’ve been rehabilitated, and once I am out, we’ll run away together. I’ll treat you how you deserve to be treated.  _

_ I look forward to your letter.  _

_ I love you. _

_ Bryan _

Bambam slammed the mailbox closed, trying his hardest not to show just how angry he was.

“What’s wrong?” Mark asked and he turned to look at him.

“Nothing, Just checking the mail,” Bambam said softly. 

“Oh, be careful, you almost tore the door off,” He said, and Bambam rolled his eyes. 

“Yeah right,” He said as he made it to the stair first, the bag of groceries in his hands. 

“You want to help me with dinner tonight?” Mark asked and Bambam shook his head. 

“I’ve got some homework to catch up on,” He said and Mark raised his eyebrow before putting his hands against Bambam’s forehead. 

“You want to actually do homework? Are you actually sick?” Mark asked and Bambam pushed his hand away. 

“No I’m not sick, I just- what if you do something someone asks you to do and then they stop talking to you after it?” Bambam asked and Mark frowned. 

“Is this about Yugyeom- did he make you do something you didn’t want to do? Did he make you uncomfortable?” Mark said and Bambam shook his head. 

“No Baba, it’s nothing like that- I wanted to do it, I wanted to help it’s just- now that I did it, I feel used,” Bambam explained and Mark sighed. 

“You’re too young to be doing that kind of stuff,”

“It’s not sexual. I wrote- I wrote a paper for one of my friends, for one of their classes, and they uh- they haven’t talked to me since,” Bambam lied. 

“You shouldn’t cheat for your friends. They’ll never learn unless they do it for themselves, you are enabling them,” Mark started and Bambam rolled his eyes. 

“Yes Baba, I know, I’m going to go upstairs,” Bambam said, trying to cut the lecture short. He didn’t want to hear where this was going, and why he should be responsible, and all that other nonsense. 

“Why are you always locked up in your room?” Mark asked and Jackson laughed loudly from the door. 

“Well, he’s come to a certain age, when he’s discovering his body,” Jackson teased, and Bambam gagged. 

“Please baba, don’t be gross,” Bambam said before running upstairs.

**Gweomy: I’m just saying, your nickname would have been Mookie Pie**

**Me: no way dude, it would have been mook**

**Junkcock: Dude it would be Kunny Bun**

**Me: Who the fuck asked you**

**Junkcock: You’re just mad because you thought of that lame-ass Mook bullshit**

**Me: Bet. I’m gonna ask people on twitter, five dollars they choose Mook over Kunny Bun**

**Junkcock: Bet.**

**Gweomy: What about Mookie Pie**

**Me: Babe I love you, but shut the fuck up and let me win this money**

Bambam opened twitter on his phone, making a poll quickly before publishing it.

His phone pinged and he picked it up, ready gloat when he saw that he had a private message from Lisa.

_ @lalalalalisa: Why are you asking about the name Kunpimook _

_ @DoubleB: I’ve got a bet with Jungkook, go and say mook is the better nickname _

_ @lalalalalisa: Why Kunpimook though? _

_ @DoubleB: It’s my Thai name, Kunpimook Bhuwakul _

_ @lalalalalisa: No way. Bambam tell me you’re lying, tell me you’re fucking lying _

_ @DoubleB: Why the fuck would I lie about that? What, does it mean something? I don’t get it. _

_ @lalalalalisa: Dude… Why didn’t you tell me you were the kid who got kidnapped? Do you remember anything from that? Dude, what happened, did that white guy rape you? You are literally the reason my mom doesn’t let me talk to white people _

Bambam stared at his phone as he let that information sunk in. He couldn’t- there was no way. He would remember if he’d been kidnapped right? Mark said his mother neglected him, and that was how he came to live with them. That was a large leap to kidnapping. 

Then again- it made sense why his parents were so afraid of him being by himself if he’d been kidnapped once before, who knows what could happen to him.

But why would his babas lie to him? Why didn’t they tell him?

He couldn’t stop himself from getting angry. They lied to him for ten years.

He stormed out of his room, running down the stairs and barging into the kitchen. 

Jackson was sitting on the counter while Mark cooked something over the stove. 

“I was kidnapped?” Bambam asked angrily and his parents looked up at him, startled. 

“What- who told you, was it Jinyoung?” Jackson asked. 

“So you’re not going to deny it? You knew I was kidnapped and you never thought to tell me?” Bambam asked, outraged. 

“We wanted to tell you, but you’d forgotten, and it was just- it was better that you didn’t remember. You don’t know how bad you were messed up, how much he hurt you, we didn’t want you to be more traumatized,” Mark started, and Bambam snorted. 

“You lied to me, you told me that I was here because my mom didn’t take care of me, you made it seem like it was normal that I wasn’t there with her. You stripped me of my culture and now you’re stripping me of my memories, of my past, I have nothing fucking left,” Bambam yelled and Jackson got off of the counter. 

“Don’t talk to your father that way. We didn’t not tell you intentionally. Sometimes, parents- parents hide the ugly truths. As much as we hated what your mother did to you- we didn’t want you to hate her. We didn’t want you to think negatively on something you had no control over,” 

“What does she have to do with me being kidnapped?” Bambam asked and Mark sighed. 

“You weren’t kidnapped. At least- it wasn’t a simple snatch. Your mother, she… she was in a very bad place mentally, she was on drugs and she- she didn’t have the money to pay for them,” Mark started hesitantly. 

Bambam’s heart dropped as he began to understand the implications.

“When she finally came to her senses, she called the police and told them Bryan Smith kidnapped you when in all actuality, she sold you to him,”

“No, no that’s not true, you’re lying to me again,” Bambam said. 

“Bam- this is why we didn’t want to tell you, we didn’t want to hurt you,” Jackson started and Bambam shook his head. 

“No- that’s- You’re lying, I know you’re lying. Bryan isn’t in jail for kidnapping. He’s in jail for drugs, and he wouldn’t-”

“What do you mean he’s in jail for drugs- How do you know-” Jackson began before clenching his teeth. He pushed past Bambam, nearly knocking the skinny teen into the wall. Bambam chased after him, trying to stop him from going up the stairs. 

“What are you doing, stop it, stop it!” Bambam said and Jackson brushed him off before kicking open his room door. He tipped his mattress over, looking under it before ripping open the side drawer. 

“Stop, you can’t look in there, stop!” Bambam yelled, beating on Jackson’s back.

“Jackson, what the hell are you doing?” Mark asked, racing into the room before freezing as he picked up the picture that Bryan had sent him.

“What is this?” Jackson asked and Bambam shook his head. 

“Bambam look at me, what is this?” Jackson asked and Bambam shook his head again. 

Jackson picked up one of the letters.

“I want to lay you out on the bed, kiss you head to toe, let you fuck that teddy bear while you moan so sweetly. I bet you have the prettiest moans. Then I want to fuck you nice and deep, make you so full it hurts to breathe,” Jackson read out loud and Bambam turned red. 

“I’m going to be sick,” Mark whispered from the doorway. 

“This is fucking sick,” Jackson said through his teeth.

“Give me that!” Bambam tore the letter out of Jackson’s hand, holding it to his chest. 

“You don’t understand, he loves me, he’s not- he wouldn’t-” Bambam whimpered and Jackson put his hand on Bambam’s shoulder. 

“He doesn't love you. You’re fifteen years old. He’s using you,” Jackson tried to rationalize.

“Bambam, what did you do for him?” Mark asked suddenly and Bambam turned white. 

“What?” Bambam asked, his breath leaving him. 

“Earlier, you said you did something for a friend, and they haven’t talked to you in two weeks, what did you do for him? What did he ask from you?” Mark asked and Bambam swallowed. 

“I wrote a letter to the judge, he asked me to. Said that there was a psycho detective that was trying to keep him from getting out and that if I wanted to help, I should write about how he impacted my life, how he’s been a good influence,” Bambam said softly and Mark sighed.

“I’ve got to go talk to the DA. Fuck,” Mark said before leaving the room. 

“Bambam,” Jackson began and Bambam couldn’t bring himself to look at his father. All he could do was look at the mess that Jackson had caused and think about what all of this meant. 

He’s really been used. 

“I hate you,” Bambam whispered, his voice breaking from the tears. 

“Bai Mu, I-”

“Don’t call me that. Get out,” He whispered and Jackson let out a breath.

“Bai-

“Get out!” He yelled at Jackson. Jackson backed out of the room and Bambam slammed the door in his face before collapsing against it.

Bambam opened his eyes, the sound of pounding on the door frightening him awake. 

“Bai Mu?” He heard his father Mark ask and he looked up at his alarm clock. 

It was three in the morning.

“Leave me alone,” He said, getting off of the floor and cracking his back. 

He ran his hands across his face, feeling the tears there, and his throat ached like he’d been screaming.

He had been startled awake, and the memories of the dreams had already floated away, leaving a floaty black absence in its wake. He could guess that he’d had a nightmare, and he could guess what it would be about.

“Bai Mu-” His baba started and he felt his heavy weight against the door. 

Bambam hated that he was so upset with his parents, he was never mad at them. 

They had always been a close-knit family, and they had never, ever been so separated. 

But now- Now he felt there was something dark between them, and no matter how much he swam, he’d never get back to them. 

With such a heavy thought, he fell back into a restless sleep. 


	16. Bad Idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bambam grapples with the thought of who Bryan really is and has a bad idea to relive the trauma.

There was a knock on the door and Bambam sat up, brushing his hair out of his eyes. He got out of bed, opening the door to see that both of his parents were standing there. 

“Hey, you don’t have to go to school today, Your baba and I made you some breakfast if you want to come down,” Jackson offered softly.

Bambam looked between the both of them before looking down. 

“I rather go to school than stay home by myself, kind of don’t want to be alone right now,” Bambam said, trying to push between them to get to the bathroom. 

“We’re going to stay home too, we already called it in, come have breakfast with us please?” Mark asked and Bambam shook his head. 

“I can’t- you can’t stay, you have people to keep safe, and I have school-”

“It’s fine, really, we need to talk anyway,” Mark explained. 

Bambam let out a soft sigh before giving a nod. 

“I’m gonna go shower,” Bambam said and the parted, letting him pass. 

He got into the shower, standing under the spigot, letting the water rain down over his head. 

He closed his eyes, trying to block the ugly feelings in his chest because he felt awful. 

He felt ugly and disgusting, and the fact that he didn’t know what happened, that he only had the implications and those stupid, stupid letters in his head. 

He hated that that was all that he had, all that he could see. 

He finally got out, putting on sweatpants and a large t-shirt that swamped his frame before walking downstairs to see both of his parents sitting at the kitchen table, a plate piled high with food in front of his chair. 

He sat down, poking the food with his fork. 

“Eat, you didn’t get to last night,” Jackson urged and he took a bite, letting it slide down his throat. 

He hated to admit that he was actually really hungry.

Hungry and incredibly tired of being angry with his parents, but only one of those could be easily fixed by pancakes, so he tended that need first. 

“I’m sorry,” He and Jackson said at the same time and Bambam looked up. 

“What?” 

He hadn’t expected his dad to apologize, his dad wasn’t the one sending naughty letters to a felon--let's not forget, a child rapist. 

“I’m sorry I barged into your room like that, and that I dug through your things with no care. I was worried, I’ve been worried for so long, I thought it was drugs, or something awful, and I over-reacted. I just- you haven’t been acting like our bambam for a long time, and it’s frightening. I have no excuse, I’m sorry that I did that,” 

“No dad, I’m sorry I went behind your back and forged your signature, if I hadn’t have done that, then I wouldn’t have been writing him, and I wouldn’t-”

“You wouldn’t know the truth?” Mark asked and Bambam nodded softly. 

“I don’t- I don’t remember it, but just knowing, knowing that he- that he hurt me like that, and that I still- I feel sick,” Bambam admitted and Mark pulled him into his side, hugging him tightly.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, it’s not your fault. What he did to you. We were wrong too, we should have done more when you blocked it out, we should have told you, you wouldn’t have done this if we had loosened the reins. We just wanted to keep our little boy safe,” Mark whispered, rocking him. 

“What now?” Bambam asked and Jackson cleared his throat. 

“Now that you know, it’ll be best to set up more therapy sessions, to cover the feelings you have over that, and your baba and I are doing our best to make sure he doesn’t get out for a long time,” Jackson said soothingly. 

“You’re the detective that he was talking about in the letter, you’re the psycho that was keeping him locked up,” Bambam said softly and Mark unfurled from him. 

“You talked about me in the letters?” 

“Not really, he’d mention how he wanted to see me, and how he wanted to get out, but couldn’t because there was a detective that was blocking the case,” Bambam explained. 

“Can we- can we see the letters?” Mark asked and Bambam blushed. 

“It’s really embarrassing baba, the things he said, the things  _ I _ said, it’s a lot,” Bambam said and Jackson nodded. 

“I know it’s tough, but- please, we have to know what he said, what was said,” Jackson said and Bambam nodded. 

He went upstairs, fishing all of the letters out of his drawer. 

He felt so damn stupid for doing this, for letting the man into his life, and for not telling his babas before. 

He brought them downstairs and moved to the couch as they began to read through the letters. 

He didn’t want to know what they were thinking, especially as each letter passed. 

“What pictures did he send you?” Mark asked and Bambam cleared his throat. 

“Just the one that you saw yesterday, it’s not- that’s all that he’s ever sent me,” Bambam plead. 

“What did you send back, do you have those photos?” Jackson asked and Bambam cleared his throat. 

“I have one on my phone, but most of them were from the polaroid, I didn’t want to get caught,” Bambam explained, handing his phone over to show the picture on his phone.

He knew he should have deleted it, but he was glad that he didn’t. 

At least they would know.

“Oh-oh,” Mark exclaimed when he saw the picture, and Bambam couldn’t help but blush.

“Most of the other pictures aren’t- they aren’t that bad, except for one, it was after the first time I’d- uh, you know,” He said, trying hard not to explain t and Jackson seemed to realize what he meant. 

“How uh- how exposed were you in that one?” He asked and Bambam cleared his throat. 

“I was, naked too, but I had a teddy bear, so you couldn’t see, that part of me, but it was pretty evident, what was happening,” Bambam said shyly before looking down at his lap. 

He was so embarrassed. 

“Hey, it’s- let’s watch one of those Thai dramas together?” Jackson suggested and Bambam nodded, anything to get them off of what he’d been doing. 

Bambam opened his eyes, wiping at his nose a little. He hadn’t even realized that he’d fallen asleep, his face smushed against his Baba Mark’s side, his feet in Baba Jackson’s lap. 

Mark’s phone was buzzing against his shoulder and he swatted at the man, who was also asleep.

“Baba, your phone,” He complained and Mak shrugged. 

“They can call back later,” Mark complained and the phone stopped buzzing. 

Bambam snuggled back into his Baba’s side when the phone began to ring again. 

“Baba, get the phone!” Bambam complained again and Mark finally got off of the couch, holding his hand out to motion he’d be back soon. 

Bambam kicked his foot out to wake up Jackson. 

“Where did Mark go?” He asked and Bambam pointed towards the kitchen. 

“He’s in the kitchen, can you bring me something to drink?” Bambam asked and Jackson rolled his eyes. 

“Get up and do it yourself, bring me something to drink while you’re at it,” Jackson said and Bambam huffed but got off of the couch, stumbling to the kitchen.

“He can’t do that, can he?” He heard Mark say and he stopped. 

“He’s the one who lured my son, not the other way around, that’s bullshit,” Mark swore and Bambam jumped, causing Mark to turn around. 

“Call me back if you hear anything else,” Mark said before hanging up. 

“What’s- what’s wrong?” Bambam asked softly and Mark pushed his hands through his hair. 

“I- Jackson come in here,” Mark said, and Jackson ran into the kitchen. 

“What’s up?” Jackson asked, and Mark heaved a heavy sigh, leaning against the counter and tapping his phone against his temple. 

“That bastard motioned for his hearing to be moved up because he has evidence that one of the detectives was meddling in his case,” Mark said slowly. 

“What evidence, what the hell does that mean?” Jackson asked and Mark clenched his teeth. 

“He wants to get my appeal barred on the basis that I used my underage child to entice him, by making the boy send him child pornography so that I could bring up the fact that he kidnapped a child in the hearing,” Mark said and Bambam felt his stomach drop.

Bryan couldn’t do that, could he?

Bambam walked into the school, his jacket pulled over his body. 

He was tired, so fucking tired and on edge. 

He felt wrong in his body, and last night came with a dreamless void of sleep. 

He didn’t feel like he’d been rested. 

Mark was working extra to try and figure out what exactly he could do to block Bryan’s defense, but he wasn’t making any headway. Jackson couldn’t stay home with Bambam so he’d spent that second day alone in the house, laying in his room listlessly as he thought about all the fucked up things that he’d done wrong. 

How did he let that creep get into his life so easily?

How could he be so damn stupid?

He’d asked Mark to tell him what Bryan had done to him, but he said that besides Bambam’s first very confusing testimony of teddy bears with teeth and wet bathtubs, they couldn’t get anything else out of him.

When they’d said that, he could see the little snippets, but everything was jumbled, and he didn’t think he’d be able to ever remember what happened. 

He didn’t like the idea that he wouldn’t be able to remember. 

He just wanted to fucking know what happened to him.

“Bam!” He heard and a hand was placed on his shoulder. 

He nearly jumped out of his skin before turning quickly to see that it was Yugyeom. 

He didn’t want to see the boy, he didn’t want to be reminded of just how stupid he had been. He couldn’t help but be reminded of the fact that he’d fallen into Bryan’s clutches, fallen for his charm, and almost cast away Yugyeom. He’d compared Yugyeom to Bryan in so many ways, that it was hard not to associate him with the older male. 

“Don’t walk so fast, I can’t keep up,” Yugyeom complained, trying to redistribute his weight on the crutches and Bambam sighed, letting himself slow down enough so that he could walk with him.

He hadn’t talked to Yugyeom since the night that he’d found about being kidnapped, and he hadn’t told him, he didn’t know how. 

“So dude, where’s my money,” Jungkook asked and Bambam frowned at him. 

“What are you talking about?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. You asked the internet for the better nickname and when they all said Kunny bun, you skipped school because you couldn’t face me like a man and pay up, now, pay up,” Jungkook joked and Bambam stared at him for a minute solid, just staring at him before a deep chuckle bubbled up from his chest. 

“He’s not that fucking funny,” Bambam heard Yugyeom gripe, but he couldn’t even find it in himself to stop because this was fucking hilarious. 

This was really something that they thought?

The fucking nickname thing was literally so far beyond what Bambam had been thinking of over the past 48 hours. 

He didn’t give a fuck about that money. 

“Bam, it really wasn’t that funny, Bambam, it’s not that funny,” Yugyeom said, putting his hands on Bambam’s shoulders and he completely blanked out.

His eyes refocused and he looked up to see that he was sitting in the bathroom, Yugyeom sitting against the opposite wall from him, staring at him as if he didn’t know what to do. 

“Why are we here?” Bambam asked and Yugyeom looked at him. 

“You tell me, one minute you’re laughing at Jungkook’s not at all funny joke, then the next you’re speaking this weird language and crying. People were starting to stare, it was embarrassing,” Yugyeom said, resting his chin on his knees and Bambam mirrored the position. 

“I don’t- I don’t know what’s going on with me- I just- a lot has happened. My whole world has fucking turned on its head and I don’t- I don’t know what to do,” Bambam exhaled and Yugyeom raised his eyebrows.

“Did you just find out you were adopted?” Yugyeom joked as he tried to diffuse the situation, and had it been anything else, Bambam would have found it funny. 

But it didn’t feel so funny. 

“I found out some stuff about my childhood,” Bambam whispered and Yugyeom hummed, obviously grasping the seriousness of the situation. 

They’d stayed up many a night when they were kids, wondering about what had happened to Bambam, talking about the trauma that Yugyeom actually remembered from his past, so this was something that both boys took seriously. 

“So which was it? abusive dad, neglectful mom?” Yugyeom guessed and Bambam shook his head, putting his face in his knees as he took a deep breath. 

“I was- I was kidnapped sort of? Someone who wasn’t my mae took me for a while,” Bambam explained vaguely. 

“What? really? That’s- that’s insane,” Yugyeom whispered. 

“Yeah, my mom was on drugs,” Bambam whispered, trying not to explain it, but wanting him to understand. 

“That’s really tough Bam,” Yugyeom said and Bambam looked up at him. 

“Yeah, it is,” He said, because Yugyeom didn’t get it, he didn’t get the implications at all. 

“You want me to do what?” Yugyeom asked and Bambam cleared his throat, looking up at the boy. 

He’d begged his parents to let him spend the night at Yugyeom’s, telling them that he needed a break from everything. 

His parents were reluctant to let him out of their sight, but ultimately Bambam got his way because even though he had been tiptoeing around the family since the Bryan fiasco unfolded earlier that week, his parents recognized that he needed something that resembled normalcy, even for a little, and what was more normal than spending a Friday night at a friends house?

He’d gotten lucky that Jaebum and Jinyoung had decided to have a date night that night, leaving Yugyeom and Bambam virtually alone. 

Youngjae was still in the house, but he’d told them to leave him alone, then locked himself in his room to play video games for the rest of the night. 

“I uh- I want you to touch me? To hold me down and uh- make me cum,” Bambam said and Yugyeom stared at him strangely. 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought I heard you say, why would I do that?” Yugyeom asked and Bambam sat up, dislodging the boy from straddling him. 

“Look, I know you want to do something, and I’ve given you plenty of blowjobs- I just- it sounds stupid, but my dads told me some stuff, and I can’t- I can’t quite see it? So I thought, maybe if you did it, maybe then it would make sense, and I’d be able to figure out why I can’t cum without that stupid plush animal,” Bambam explained and Yugyeom nodded. 

“Okay- what uh- what do you want me to do?” Yugyeom asked unsurely and Bambam closed his eyes, laying back on the bed.

“Take off my shirt first, then- kiss me,” He whispered, his mind going back to the what little details that he could think of.

_ He smiled down at him, his teeth gleaming in the low light and Kunpimook just wanted to go home.  _

_ His heart was beating too fast in his chest from the fizzy drink that he’d been given and his head hurt.  _

_ He just wanted to go home, but he couldn’t because he was with Lung now.  _

_ “I don’t like this game, I don’t-” Kunpimook begged and Lung shook his head, caressing his face.  _

_ “Don’t be so sad, we’re going to have a lot of fun,”  _

_ “Stop, stop I don’t like this game,” Kunpimook said, beating on his chest.  _

_ He was so much bigger than him and Kunpimook was small.  _

_ “It’s fun. Don’t you want to play?” he asked and Kunpimook shook his head, clutching a teddy bear to his chest _

_ “Don’t worry, I’ll teach you how to have fun,” Lung said over him and Kunpimook opened his mouth. _

_ “Please lung, it still hurts from the bath, please no more, please” _

_ “Let lung help you,” he said, taking the teddy bear out of his hands.  _

_ “There’s nothing to be afraid of see, we just want to play, let’s play,” Lung said pretending to make the teddy bear walk up his arm then the other arm, then his right leg. _

_ He trailed the bear over the V of his hip then to his private parts as another hand trailed down, pushing itself into him.  _

_ “Stop, no more, please lung, please stop!” He shouted. _

_ “Shh, lung will buy you another teddy bear if you just sit still, let me get my money’s worth and I’ll give you anything you want,” He whispered and Kunpimook thrashed around as the teddy bear fell away and all he could feel was the man’s large calloused hands squeezing him roughly as another pushed into him, preparing him for something bigger. _

_ “I want my mommy! Please I want my mommy!” _

Yugyeom pulled his fingers out of him and Bambam opened his eyes, staring up at the younger boy. 

“I can’t- I can’t do this, Bambam,” Yugyeom said and Bambam stared up at him.

He didn’t want to go on with this anymore either. 

He knew now, he knew what had happened to him.

Yugyeom collapsed on the bed next to him, putting his phone on the bedside table before wrapping his arms around Bambam. 

Bambam felt the boy bury his face into his shoulder before the skin became wet there, Yugyeom sobbing into his side and he awkwardly petted the side of Yugyeom’s face, unsure of what to do and feeling so damn numb.

He had Jinyoung drive him home the next morning before Yugyeom woke up. 

He didn’t really want his parents to come to get him, and he didn’t want to have to spend the rest of the day with Yugyeom, wondering if he thought he were weird or something. 

“Did you know I was kidnapped?” Bambam asked as they stopped at a stop sign. 

“So they finally told you,” Jinyoung started his voice flat before clearing his throat.

“Yes, I knew. Jaebum and Jackson were the responding officers, and that night, after you were released from the hospital, they brought you to our house because they had nowhere else to take you,” Jinyoung answered and Bambam nodded. 

“What happened next?”

“You stayed up all night, you’d had some energy drinks, and combined with the trauma, you just- you couldn’t be put down. You kept the whole house awake, which of course led Yugyeom to have an episode, so no one slept that night,” Jinyoung recalled dryly.

“Is that why you didn’t keep me?”

Bambam looked at Jinyoung, and Jinyoung turned to look at him, really looking at him. 

“Yes. I didn’t think that we’d be able to handle two kids who’d gone through trauma. You were a lot, and Yugyeom had always been hard to handle, and Jaebum was never home, I couldn’t handle both of you,” Jinyoung answered. 

“Would you have told me? Would you have told me I had been kidnapped?” He asked and Jinyoung looked at him even longer.

Bambam didn’t know what he was thinking, but he seemed to be thinking a lot. 

“Yes, I would have told you,” Jinyoung said and someone honked behind them.

It broke the seriousness of the moment and Jinyoung proceeded through the intersection, the conversation lost. 

Yugyeom didn’t text him all weekend, and Bambam didn’t know how to feel about it.

On one hand, he didn’t want to talk to the younger boy, or anyone really. 

He just wanted to lay in bed and be alone. 

He wanted to collect his thoughts.

On the other hand, he couldn't help feeling so hurt and dirty, because Yugyeom did that to him, and still didn’t text him back, and everyone was doing things to him and not talking to him again, and how could he not feel dirty when that was the case?

He didn’t know how to feel. 

His parents had been buzzing around this weekend, Jackson knocking on his door, asking if he wanted to watch tv together, or go to a movie, or out to eat, or anything other than stay in his room. 

Bambam just ignored him until he went away. 

Of course, now that he knew the nightmares were back, and he’d woken up more than once to his pillow shoved in his mouth as he screamed and cried, because now that he could see it, now that he remembered it, he couldn’t stop feeling it.

When he'd wake up, he’d find himself moving to his desk, pulling out the stationery, and trying to write letters to Bryan.

The letters were different, depending on when he’d woken up.

Some of them were asking why he did what he did to him, why did he touch him like that, why did he take him from his mother?

The others were why he wasn’t good enough, why did the man take that from him and not keep talking to him. Why did he use Bambam and just stop writing, because all Bambam wanted was a reassurance that there was nothing wrong with him, that Bryan actually loved him the way that Bambam loved him.

He was more shocked at how embarrassed he was at the first batch of letters and not the second. 


	17. Detonate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bambam has a breakdown before facing Bryan in court.   
> The outcome isn't exactly how he expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Major trigger warning for a suicide attempt at the end.   
> Please keep yourself safe.

Bambam walked into the school, heading to Yugyeom’s locker. He really wanted to talk to him after all that had gone down. He didn’t know exactly what he would say, whether he would break it off with the boy, or if he would beg the boy to pay attention to him, and that was a problem.

“I was fingering him, and he was saying the weirdest shit- not even in English, but in Thai, it was-”

Bambam froze when he realized that yugyeom was talking about him. Yugyeom was telling Jungkook what they’d done, he was breaking his trust, and so many fucking people had done that to him lately. 

He couldn't take it. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Bambam said and Yugyeom turned quickly, looking at Bambam. 

“Bambam-”

“Shut the fuck up! How could you tell him? That was supposed to stay between the both of us, but you’re out here bragging that you did that? You’re bragging that you held me down and forced your fingers into me,” Bambam exploded. 

“Don’t say I forced you to do anything If anyone forced anyone, it was you forcing me, I didn’t want to do that to you!”

“Right, because you don’t want me, no one wants me because I’m fucking disgusting, because someone else had me, is that the problem? Is it because someone else fucked me first? Do you know how many times I sucked your dick, and I didn’t want to? Every time I put you in my mouth, I felt like dying and it didn’t matter, every time you held me down and touched me I wanted to throw up but it didn’t matter because at least you got to cum!” Bambam yelled and Yugyeom grabbed Bambam’s shoulders. 

“Calm-”

Bambam didn’t want to calm down.

He was angry because now Jungkook knew, and Yugyeom was just like Bryan, like everyone who hurt him and he couldn’t take it. 

He swung his fist out and it connected with Yugyeom’s temple.

He watched the boy crumble, not because Bambam hit particularly hard, but because he’d never been in a fight before and the last time he’d been hit was when his biological dad hit him and he was sensitive.

Once Yugyeom was on the floor, Bambam surged forward, the urge to hurt him overtaking him. 

He began to kick and step on Yugyeom, wanting to hurt him just as much as he had hurt him. 

“Bambam stop!” Jungkook yelled, grabbing Bambam’s arms trying to restrain him. Bambam wrangled out of the hold, elbowing Jungkook in the ribs and bringing his palm up into his nose the way his parents had taught him to if anyone ever grabbed him from behind before going back to kicking the cowering figure on the floor. 

He was grabbed once again but before he could inflict damage on them, he was placed in a full-body hold, restrained against the lockers.

“What the fuck Bambam?” Youngjae yelled, but he couldn’t hear him because there was

screaming in his head and he couldn’t breathe and he wasn’t angry anymore, just so damn tired. 

Bambam sat in the backseat of his parent's car, his head leaned against the window.

“This is what I meant, I told you, I told you over and over again to tell him, but you didn’t and this is what happens, he detonates all over my son,” Jinyoung yelled. 

“Detonate, our son is not a bomb, he’s a kid, a kid who’s been hurt, by your kid apparently,” Jackson defended. 

“Come on, you think Yugyeom did any of that? Yugyeom’s a softie, he wouldn’t have hurt Bambam like that,” Jaebum tried to reason before being cut off. 

“Besides, We all know who the perpetrator was in this case, he’s always walking around half-naked, and with his background, I’m surprised he hasn’t accused half of the school yet,” Jinyoung started. 

“Are you saying my kid deserved this? He didn’t deserve to be hurt,” Mark started. 

“And Neither did Yugyeom or Jungkook. This would have been avoided if you’d actually told him if you’d-”

“Dad come on, stop, Yugyeom’s tired out, and I honestly just want to go home,” Youngjae interjected and Jinyoung put his hand on Youngjae’s shoulder.

“Let’s go,” He said, ushering the teen into their car. 

“Look, I don’t know what’s going on, I’ll talk to Yugyeom and see if I can figure something out,” Jaebum said before turning and getting into the car with his family. 

He peeled out of the parking lot and Bambam watched as his own family turned sharply, getting into the car with him. 

They didn’t say anything, just drove off, the air tense and silent. 

They pulled into the driveway and Bambam watched as they unbuckled their seatbelts as they got out of the car. 

Bambam hesitated to follow.

He finally did once he watched them walk into the house, leaving him by himself. 

It felt like his parents had given up on him, and right about now, he felt like maybe they should have. 

They should have never taken him in the first place. 

His own mother sold him for drugs, he wasn’t worth it. 

“Baba?” He spoke softly as he walked into the house. 

“Go get ready for bed, you have an emergency therapy appointment in the morning,” Jackson said before slamming into his own room. 

Bambam headed upstairs sullenly, dropping on his bed. 

He wasn't worth it. 

His parents had been mad at him before, of course, they had, Bambam was a rambunctious kid who even though he loved his parents, he was mischievous and liked to see just how far he could go. But it had never felt like this before, and what if he’d gone too far this time?

This wasn’t hiding a broken bowl under a drawer, or coloring on the walls, this was violence, he’d hurt someone, he’d hurt his two best friends, and the more he thought about what Yugyeom said, the more it occurred to him that maybe he was wrong, he was the one who had taken advantage of Yugyeom, and he’d hurt the boy so much and he was getting himself into these situations, reliving his trauma for what? The ability to say that he was a victim?

He sat in the therapy session, unable to speak, just staring down at the glitter sand. He didn’t want to talk to her at all, and so he didn’t, letting the woman try to pull some information out of him for an hour before it was time to go home. 

“You hate me, don’t you,” He asked and his parents turned to look at him. They had been removing their jackets, getting settled from his unsuccessful therapy session and he couldn’t bring himself to move from the door. 

“What?” Mark asked. 

“You hate me, you wish you’d never adopted me don’t you? You don’t love me anymore,” He whimpered, his hands shaking. 

“What- Why would you think that? Why would you think that we hate you?” Mark asked and He backed away from the man, wrapping his hands around his waist. 

“Because I’m bad, I- I did so many weird fucked up things, and I hurt Yugyeom, and Jungkook, and why would you even want me anymore,” He said, and Jackson kneeled in front of him. 

“We don’t hate you, we just- it’s been a lot, everything has been a lot lately. I didn’t talk to you because I was so mad at Jinyoung- I didn’t want to take it out on you. I’m confused because that boy yesterday, that wasn’t the Bambam I know- but- maybe I don’t know you anymore,” Jackson started and Bambam felt the first tears start to fall. 

“I don’t- don’t- I’m still me, I’m just-” Bambam started and Jackson reached down, intertwining his hands with Bambam.

“Come on,” He said, leading the boy to the couch. 

“What happened?” Jackson asked and Bambam looked down at his fingers. 

“I- I don’t- it wasn’t supposed to be like this, I just- I walked up to Yugyeom and Jungkook, and Yugyeom was telling- he was telling Jungkook about something that we’d- something that Yugyeom did to me, and I lost it, I didn’t want anyone to know,” Bambam started and Bambam came to sit on the couch arm.

“Why didn’t you want anyone to know?”

“Because, it was like he was bragging, but I didn’t like what he’d done, and for him to be telling Jungkook-”

“So he forced you to do it?” Jackson asked. 

“No- he didn’t want to do it, but I uh- I didn’t want to do it either, I mean, I did, but not because I wanted- it’s hard to explain,” Bambam mumbled out, playing with his fingers. 

“Please try,” Jackson started and Bambam sighed. 

“I uh- I asked him to help me relive out my abuse- because I had this weird dream, and I didn’t know what it meant, so I asked Yugyeom to do some stuff to me until I could figure it out, and he freaked out and stopped us, but then he told Jungkook and I just- I don’t know, I didn’t mean to hit him, I just got so mad because someone had used my body, and Yugyeom was there, and I didn’t know what else to do, then Jungkook tried to grab me and I freaked,” Bambam explained

and Mark sighed. 

“What about those other times? huh? What about what Jungkook said, that you’d accused Yugyeom of forcing you to service him- orally?” Mark asked. 

“He didn’t- I mean, I didn’t want to do it, but he never made me do it, I did it because I wanted to prove to myself that I still liked him- I just- I didn’t mean for anyone to get hurt,” Bambam said and Jackson hugged him close.

“I know, I know,” Jackson said and Bambam just stared at his fingers.

No matter how many times his parents hugged him, it wouldn’t make him feel right. 

Bambam rolled over in his bed, his eyes suspiciously wide for the time of night. 

It was three in the morning, and he should probably be sleeping. 

He was wide awake after all of the commotion of the past couple of days, and the fact that everything in his life was so upended didn’t help.

He tried closing his eyes, but every time he did that, he was reminded of the horrible things that he’d done. 

He couldn’t get over how Yugyeom looked, cowered in fear as Bambam hit him. He couldn’t get over the fact that as he did it, he didn’t care. At that moment, he liked the rush of power, because he had been tired of being the one who was hurt, he was tired of being powerless, and now- now he was the one who was finally getting to lash out. 

He’d hurt the boy, and he felt like shit about it now, but he hadn’t then, and he didn’t know what to do now. 

He didn’t want to lose his best friend. 

But maybe he had. 

Yugyeom had always been more to Bambam than a boyfriend, or even a friend at that. Yugyeom was the other half of his soul, even if that sounded really cheesy. 

He loved the boy on a level that only rivaled his babas. 

But now, now he’d done something to break the boy's trust, and more than that he couldn’t get this nagging voice out of his head that he was wrong, he was wrong and there was nothing to make it right. 

Bambam reached out, grabbing his phone from the nightstand before rolling onto his back. 

There was a sliver of light from the hallway where the door didn’t fit right against the frame anymore. 

The room was a lot emptier now, his printer, laptop, and television, and gaming system being taken from him along with his camera.

He understood why they did it, it wasn’t like they could trust Bambam with that stuff anymore, who knows what kind of trouble he could get himself into?

He scrolled through his phone, all of his social media accounts being suspended. 

Of course, there was nothing on there to even look at, which brought him to his messages. 

He didn’t have any new messages from Jungkook or Youngjae, which he wasn’t expecting. 

But he also didn’t have any from Yugyeom. 

That wasn’t normal. 

Yugyeom had always texted him first, even in the worst of their fights, yugyeom contacted him first. 

Then again, even though Yugyeom had hit him before, he’d never attacked his biggest weakness with such precision, because Bambam knew all of Yugyeom’s secrets.

Bambam’s secrets only revealed themselves now, and they detonated all over Yugyeom anyway.

Detonated, there was that word again.

Bambam took a deep breath, his thumb hovering over the call button, wondering if he’d have the strength to do this. 

He closed his eyes, pressing the call button and holding his breath. 

The phone rang and with each second Bambam was wondering what he would say. 

Should he come out and outright apologize?

Would that even matter?

The phone clicked and Yugyeom’s voicemail began to run, telling him the leave a message at the beep. 

He could hear himself in the background, yelling about how dumb Yugyeom sounded.

He smiled to himself before clearing his throat. 

Beep.

“Hey Yugyeom, it’s me, Bambam, I mean, you know my number, you know it’s me. Look, I’m so sorry about all that, about detonating on you. I didn’t mean any of that. I swear, you never- you never hurt me, and I know that. I just- I regret it all if I could take it back, I would, I wouldn’t have done any of that, or said any of that. I miss you, I guess is what I’m trying to say, I miss your voice, I miss your face, I miss the way your body felt against mine, I miss the way you smell. I miss being with you, but most importantly, I miss being your best friend, Just- when you wake up, call me back yeah? Love you gyeomy, talk to you tomorrow.”

Bambam hung up, laying the phone on his pillow.

He’d hoped that Yugyeom would have answered, but at least he’d put it into the atmosphere and that was all that mattered. 

His phone began to buzz and he turned to look at it.

Yugyeom’s face was smiling up at him, cross-eyed from the picture that Bambam had taken of him. 

He pressed the answer button quickly.

“Yugyeom? Oh my god, you don’t know how much I’ve missed you. I’m so fucking sorry I-”

“Don’t call here again,” 

Bambam heard and he looked down at the phone to make sure it was Yugyeom that he was calling because that wasn’t Yugyeom’s voice. 

“What?”

“You hurt Yugyeom, you don’t get to call him and guilt him into getting back with you. Leave him alone. Do you know how fucking delusional you sound? You think telling him that you miss being his best friend is going to make up for all of the crazy shit you did? Cause it won’t, nothing’s going to make up for that,”

“Look, let me talk to Yugyeom.”

“I mean it, you’ve already fucked up enough. Please stop before you make everything worse. He doesn’t want to speak to you, so leave him alone.”

The phone was hung up abruptly and Bambam swallowed down the lump in his throat before turning onto his side, his chest hurting terribly.

_ The man pushed into him and Bambam tried to push him off of him.  _

_ “Stop it! Stop it!” Bambam cried and the man caressed the side of his face.  _

_ “Let lung play, don’t be selfish,” The man said and Bambam thrashed.  _

_ “I want my mommy! I want my mommy!” He begged and the man’s hands wrapped around his biceps, holding him still as he fucked into him with abandon, ignoring him.  _

_ “Stop, stop,” he begged, but he was getting smaller, too small for the man to see, and he was falling, falling falling, and he couldn’t stop. _

_ He tried to grab onto something to stop it, but he was still falling, and there was nothing to grab onto and he was falling _

Bambam sat up in bed, Jackson standing next to the bed.

“Hey, what’s wrong, are you okay?” He asked and Bambam shook his head, letting the man wrap his arms around him because he felt too small and he was weak again, and his last lifeline was gone.

Bambam took a step into the living room, unsure of what his parents were doing. He felt so delicate like he might actually break.

“Hey Baby,” Mark said softly and he ran his hands through his hair. 

He looked up at his father. 

“G’morning,” he whimpered. 

“Did you sleep okay?” Mar asked and Bambam shrugged. 

“Have- Have you heard from Yugyeom?” Bambam asked and Mark shook his head.

“He’s uh- he’s with his Grandma right now, to take some of the stress off of him,” Mark explained and Bambam nodded, biting his bottom lip. 

He didn’t want that to happen, he couldn’t imagine how lonely Yugyeom felt because Bambam felt just as lonely. 

Only, he felt guilty too, because none of this would be happening if Bambam didn’t-

“What are you doing today?” Bambam asked and Mark cleared his throat. 

“I’ve got to go to the courthouse today, they- they want you to testify,” Mark explained and Bambam cleared his throat. 

“But- I don’t want you doing it if it’s going to hurt you.”

Bambam shook his head. 

He wanted them to know, he wanted to get it off of his chest. 

He wanted it to be over with. 

Bambam sat in the back of the room, staring at the man in front of him.

Bryan was sitting in front of a group of people, the parole board. 

Mark was sitting in front of him. He was acting as a character witness. It was Bryan’s turn to tell his side of the story, and Bambam had no idea what he was going to say.

“I’ve had a good record here, I’ve steered clear of trouble, and I’ve done everything asked. I was recommended for the program to reach out to the schools. I didn’t volunteer for this. I was giving whom I thought was an innocent child, advice,” Bryan started and mark clenched his teeth. 

“I have worked hard, and I have served my time,” Bryan finished. 

“So what do you make of this new claim, of disorderly conduct with a minor?” His lawyer asked and Bambam sat up, interested in what he would say. 

“All of this has been dredged up in a conspiracy to keep me locked up. I don’t blame Bai Mu,” He said and Bambam flinched. 

He’d always wondered how Bryan would say his name, but hearing that- Hearing him say his name like that-

He felt like he was going to throw up. 

“Don’t say his name,” Mark said and Bryan’s eyes moved to Mark.

“I don’t blame him. I blame his fathers. Officer Jackson Wang was my arresting officer, and Mark Tuan was the man who interrogated me. I confessed to him all of my crimes. So isn’t it funny that all of a sudden there’s a kid with the same last names, sending explicit pictures to me? This was entrapment. So no, I don’t blame him. He was just doing what he was told. he didn’t deserve the abuse that his parents gave to him,” Bryan spoke and Bambam stood up. 

“My babas never hurt me, you did,” Bambam accused and Bryan’s blue eyes landed on him. 

That roiling was in his stomach, getting rockier and rockier.

“We’ll let you tell your side soon,” Bryan’s attorney cut him off as if he had just interrupted with an inappropriate joke or something, and not the fact that Bryan had hurt him. Bambam dropped back in his seat, feeling like he had motion sickness.

“I know that my past was rocky and I did a lot of bad things and hurt a lot of people, but I was a drug addict and now I’m recovered, I’m doing my best to get better,” Bryan said and his attorney shook her head. 

“We are here to focus on your future, not your past,” She said and he could hear his father grumbling under his breath about how wrong that was. 

Bambam just wanted this to be over with.

“Tell us your side sweetie,” The lawyer said and Bambam cleared his throat, playing with his fingers. 

“I’d gotten assigned Bryan for my project,” Bambam started, looking down. 

“And this project- you had to have parental permission for this project,” 

“Yes,” Bambam said and the woman nodded. 

“So your parents gave you permission to contact Bryan?”

“No,”

“But you still contacted him?”

“Yes, I uh- I forged their signatures,” Bambam said and she nodded. 

“I see, so you forged their signatures, and began talking to my client in secret,” She asked and Bambam nodded. 

“I uh- it started off innocently I guess. I told him about my life, what I wanted to be when I grew up, about how strict my babas were, about my boyfriend, how I wanted to do more,” Bambam explained and she hummed. 

She was nice, her tone gentle. 

“Your boyfriend, now your babas didn’t know about him either?” She asked and Bambam shook his head. 

“I see, and so what happened next?” She asked and Bambam cleared his throat again.

“Things were nice, Bryan made me feel special, he asked for pictures, so I sent them,” 

“So he asked for the sexually explicit pictures?” 

“Not technically, I uh- I asked him to send me pictures. I guess you could take some of that out of context,” Bambam said and she held up a picture. 

“So you sent this suggestive picture, unprompted?” She asked, showing Bambam the picture he had sent of the fake tongue ring, his mouth open as if waiting for-

“And this one?” It was him laying in bed, his eyes staring sultrily into the camera, his shirt missing, his pink hair shining. 

The first picture he sent. 

How did he not realize that he was sending things like that?

“This isn’t the first time that you’ve been caught being... suggestive, you’ve been written up for breaking dress code five times for suggestive clothing, and even to the extent of being suspended?” She asked and Bambam nodded. 

“You were also in a fight and was suspended after assaulting another student?”

“I don’t understand- what does this have anything to do with it?” Bambam asked and she shook her head. 

“I just want to get the whole story. You were suspended for this fight, right?” She asked and he nodded. 

“So you sent him explicit photos, child pornography, now, he never sent you any nude photos correct?” She asked.

“No- but he sent me a shot where he was- you know- masturbating,” Bambam explained and she shook his head.

“You mean this picture,” she held up the picture.

His hand wasn’t in the frame if he looked at it, there was nothing that suggested that he was masturbating. 

Words didn’t matter.

“Can you tell me this man is masturbating?’ She asked, and Bambam shook his head.

“No- no I can’t,” He whispered. 

“And when you were suspended, it was because you got in a fight correct?”

“Yes,”

“And that fight was because you accused another student of raping you- correct?”

Bambam nodded. 

“Did he rape you?” She asked and Bambam shook his head. 

“It was a misunderstanding-”

“Did he rape you? Yes or no?”

“No, he didn’t,” Bambam said, defeated and she gave him a bittersweet smile.

He was getting tunnel vision, unable to understand what she was saying. 

His eyes were focused on Bryan and his smirking face, and he just wanted to get out of here. 

“Bam,” His baba said, grabbing his shoulders and he looked around before standing abruptly. 

“I gotta-” Bambam said and mark nodded, helping him away from the seat and out of the room. 

“Bam,” Mark tried again and Bambam shook his head. 

“Home,” He whimpered and Mark nodded, leading him to the exit.

Bambam ran upstairs, emptying his stomach in the toilet. 

The tunnel vision was back, little white spots in his vision as he heaved. 

Mark stood behind him, rubbing his back softly and telling him to let it all out. They’d already stopped on the ride home because Bambam had been heaving so bad, and now here he was bent over the toilet as Mark cooed to him.

Bambam coughed pathetically, resting his head on the toilet seat.

His head was aching, throbbing uncomfortably, and it felt like his eyes were going to bulge out of their sockets. 

His stomach was empty now, turning over itself, but nothing else would come out. 

He felt awful. 

Mark lifted him easily, cradling the boy in his lap and Bambam rested his head on his father’s shoulder, wishing he didn’t know anything about what had happened to him. 

He was better off not knowing, anything was better than that shit show at the courthouse. 

He couldn’t believe that they thought he had actually-

His breathing started to pick up again, and the tunnel vision was starting to come back.

“You’re okay, I know that was scary, I’m sorry,” Mark whispered and Bambam shook his head, hugging himself tightly.

His Baba hugged him tightly as well as if he were trying to keep him together, even as Bambam was actively shaking apart, splintering into a million unfixable pieces.

He felt like a little kid again, back when he had nightmares and his babas would hold him in their arms and rock him until the dreams had begun to fade away in the dusk. 

Only this nightmare wasn't disappearing.

He had nothing to wake up from.

This was his life now.

He could hear Mark’s phone buzzing in his pocket and he wiped his mouth, pulling away from his father. 

He all of a sudden felt so tired.

He was tired of crying. 

He wasn’t a little kid anymore. 

He couldn’t just crawl in their laps and expect things to be suddenly better. 

Nothing worked that way.

“Baba, your phone is ringing,” Bambam said, his voice raw in the quiet space of the bathroom.

“It’s fine, I’ll call them back,” Mark said, letting it go silent. It began to ring again and Bambam fished the phone out of his pocket, reading the phone number. 

“It’s the courthouse, Baba, you’ve got to get it,” He insisted and Mark sighed, answering the phone call. 

Bambam listened in, watching as his father’s face went through different emotions. 

The judge had called everyone back for the final ruling. 

It seemed fast, too fast, and Bambam knew where this was probably headed, but he didn’t want to think about it.

If he thought about it, he would end up spiraling again.

His dad hung up before looking down at him. 

“They want you back there?” Bambam asked, his voice small and Mark nodded. 

“I can stay here though, just tell me if you need that,” Mark said and Bambam shook his head.

“I just want to go to sleep,” Bambam admitted and Mark chewed on his thumbnail. 

“I’ll call your baba, see if he can come home soon, okay?” He said and Bambam nodded, getting out of Mark’s lap. He stood in front of the man, feeling like he wasn’t truly in the right body.

“I’m just going to shower and sleep it off though,” He said and Mark nodded. 

‘Okay, I’ll get your baba to bring home takeout,” He said before his phone began to buzz again. 

“Go, I’ll be fine,” Bambam said and Mark sighed before finally getting off of the toilet seat and heading downstairs. 

Bambam heard the door close downstairs and he went to grab his pajamas before drawing a bath. 

He stepped into the steaming water, hugging his knees to his chest as he waited to get adjusted to the temperature. 

He methodically went through the motions, his body feeling heavy, and his mind bogged down. 

Today had been so physically and emotionally draining, and he just wanted to turn off.

He finally stepped out of the bathtub once the water had turned chilly, pulling on his pajamas.

He didn’t even want to look at himself in the mirror, didn’t want to acknowledge who he was.

He laid down on his bed, feeling restless, even though he wanted nothing more than to sleep. He tossed and turned, his brain still running at fifty miles an hour.

Maybe that lawyer had been right. 

He had accused Yugyeom of raping him, and Bambam had asked him to do that to him.

Maybe Bambam had asked for Bryan to send him those letters, maybe there was something about Bambam that was asking for it. 

Bambam had been the one who had initiated the pictures, Bambam had been the one to interpret things sexually and to escalate. 

Bambam was the one who was a whore.

He was a whore, and he was crazy, and no one loved him.

Bryan didn’t love him.

Yugyeom couldn’t love him anymore.

His Baba hadn’t said he loved him when he left. 

No one loved him.

That lawyer had said they were there to focus on Bryan’s future, not his past. But Bambam’s past was Bryan’s past, and even if Bryan had a future, that didn’t mean the same for Bambam. 

Bambam didn’t have a future. 

He picked up his phone, dialing Yugyeom’s number and listening as it went straight to his voicemail.

Without Yugyeom, Bambam didn’t have a future.

Bambam didn’t have a future. 

Bambam pulled at his hair, trying to get rid of the intrusive thoughts, but they were still there. 

Bambam didn’t have a future. 

Bambam got out of bed, taking his sheet off of the bed and twisting it.

Bambam didn’t have a future.

Bambam pulled all of his clothes down on to the floor in his closet. 

Bambam didn’t have a future.

Bambam threw the sheet over the clothes rod.

Bambam pulled one of his storage cubes to the closet, stepping onto it. 

Bambam didn’t have a future. 

Bambam wrapped the sheet around his neck before closing his eyes. 

Bambam didn’t have a future.

He stepped off.


	18. Communication

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackson comes home to his worst nightmare and Bryan gets released on parole

Jackson leaned back in his chair, scrubbing his face with his hands. 

It had been a hard day, especially because his mind was elsewhere. 

Today was the big day for the family, with Bryan's parole hearing. Jackson couldn't wait for it all to be done with. It had been looming over the family for a while, and with everything that was happening with Bambam, he was ready to get back to normal.

Or at least close to it.

His phone rang and he answered it, seeing that it was Mark.

"Hi love," he greeted and he listened as Mark sighed. 

He could imagine the older man scrubbing his hands over his forehead, his forehead wrinkled in exasperation.

"It went bad?" Jackson asked and Mark sighed.

"I just left home. It was completely ridiculous. They were acting as if- as if Bambam personally walked into the cell and sucked the bastard's dick. They made it seem as if he has a history of falsely accusing people of raping him, and that he was the one who sent Bryan the nudes without any provocation, They were talking about him like he was a whore, he’s just a kid, how could they treat a kid like that?" Mark ranted before sighing. 

"He just- he looked so small and so scared. They were just going after him so hard, this was why I didn’t want him to testify. I know we didn’t have a choice, but seeing how lost he looked up there, I don’t even know if it was worth it. He asked me to bring him home so I did. Of course, as soon as I got home, they decided the recess was over. They came up with a verdict, so I have to go back down there," Mark explained.

"Are you taking him with you?" Jackson asked.

"No, I can't - I don't think it's going to come out in his favor, so I want to save him from that. he's already dealt a lot today, you know? So I'm leaving him home. He said he was just going to go to sleep, but I'm a little worried, do you think you could pick up dinner and come home early? I don't want him to wake up alone," Mark said.

"I'll be home soon, I'll pick up a pizza. I love you, babe," Jackson said and Mark said it back before hanging up.

"Headed home?" Jackson heard and he stopped to see Jaebum carrying a folder to his desk. Jackson sighed.

"Yeah, Mark had to go back for the verdict, so he wants me to go home to check on Bambam, make sure he's alright," Jackson said and Jaebum hummed.

"I'm guessing that it didn't go so well," he said and Jackson shook his head.

"They really laid into the kid. Made it seem as if he had a history of false reporting and promiscuous behavior."

"Well he does, kinda," Jaebum pointed out and Jackson glared at him.

"I'm not saying that it justifies it, he accused my kid of that, but it's still wrong. You think they're gonna let him out?" Jaebum said and Jackson sighed.

"You remember Bryan from back in the day. The only reason we got him on this charge is because he took a plea deal. He'll weasel his way out of it," Jackson said before looking up at Jaebum.

"How's Yugyeom?" 

It was Jaebum's turn to sigh.

"He's been having nightmares. We sent him with Jinyoung's mom, it’s just been too hard for him in a house full of men, he’s been getting triggered more easily. She said he's been asking about Bambam, but we're not giving him back his phone just yet," he said and Jackson nodded, looking down at his phone. 

“Bambam misses Yugyeom too, I hope they can work everything out,” 

“I hope so too,” Jaebum said.

“I should head out, I got to get dinner tonight,” Jackson said before grabbing his jacket. 

“Alright, I’ll email you about this case, I’ll talk to you tonight,” Jaebum said and Jackson waved, leaving the precinct. 

He had the urge to call Bambam, but Mark said that Bambam was sleeping, so he didn’t want to wake the boy. 

He’d had a hard day already, he deserved some sleep. 

Jackson tapped his hands against the wheel, humming along to some pop song on the radio. 

Traffic was atrocious, because why wouldn’t it be, and he still had to go to the restaurant. 

He checked his phone, no new calls. 

Bambam was probably still asleep. 

Jackson thought about just going straight home, instead of going to get pizza, hell he could just have them deliver.

He changed his mind, deciding to go get it anyway, just in case Bambam woke up, the food would be there. 

Besides, he was hungry himself. 

Jackson went to the restaurant, waiting for them to finish, which took forever. 

For some reason, it was taking much longer than usual to get things done. He wasn't sure why everything was taking so long today, much longer than usual. 

He finally picked up the food, getting in his car, and heading home. 

He got out of the car, going to the front door. He opened the door, wondering why it was so quiet before remembering that Bambam was taking a nap. 

He put the pizza down in the kitchen before heading upstairs quietly. 

He was going to go give the boy a kiss before showering. 

There was a loud clunk and Jackson furrowed his eyebrows before running up the rest of the stairs. 

“Bam, what was that?” Jackson called before opening Bambam’s door. 

His bed was stripped and Bambam was-

Jackson turned his head, his breath getting caught in his throat. 

“Bam!” Jackson shrieked rushing to the closet.

Bambam’s eyes were closed, and his body was-

Jackson ran to the boy, tugging on the closet rod, watching it come off before sliding the sheet off of the end of the pole. 

He slipped the makeshift noose off of the boy’s neck before feeling for a pulse. 

He had one.

Bambam’s eyes fluttered opened, regaining consciousness now that his air supply wasn’t being cut off. 

“Baba?” Bambam asked, teary-eyed and Jackson broke down.

If he had been caught up in traffic just two more minutes, who knew what could have happened.

  
  


Bambam was helped into his bed, his babas running their hands through his hair. 

His room looked the same, yet different. 

The closet door was gone as well as the clothes rod. His computer and things were still gone, but his bedroom door was fixed, no longer hanging off of the hinges carelessly. 

His clothes were no longer piled on the floor of the closet, instead, they folded and placed in clear bins as if someone had come in a tidied everything. 

No doubt his Baba’s, so that when he got home, he could come home to something nice and peaceful.

“Do you need anything? Some water? A snack?” His father asked and Bambam shook his head. 

“I’m fine just tired,” He said and Jackson nodded. 

“Get some rest, okay? We’ll be here,” Jackson said softly. 

He watched as his father’s eyes lingered on the fading bruises around his neck before the man kissed him on the forehead. 

“I love you,” Mark whispered and Bambam gave him a half-smile. 

“I love you too Baba,” Bambam whispered, watching as the door closed behind him. 

He’d been released from a short stay at the psych ward. 

Bambam couldn’t really remember what happened while he was there, and even right before-

If he closed his eyes, he could see bits and pieces of before. 

He remembered the trial, he didn’t remember getting home. 

He remembered throwing up, and he remembered opening his closet door. 

He didn’t remember kicking the stool from under his feet, but he remembered Jackson’s teary-eyed face hovering over him. 

Everything after that was blurry, red and blue lights blurring into white rooms and blue scrubs.

He hated that he’d done it.

He knew now that he didn’t want to die.

Not in that moment, and not now. 

He just wanted the pain to go away, for it all to stop for a minute so he could finally breathe, so he could put the pieces together because he hadn’t taken a deep breath it felt like since the news was broken to him.

He’d had a while to think about it. 

He’d spent two weeks in, and even though it wasn’t that long, it was a break from the trial, a break from his pressures. 

He’d used the time to talk to the staff, to a therapist, to just talk about how he felt about the whole thing. 

He hadn’t had the chance to do that. 

He’d been taken advantage of and made to forget it. 

He’d been neglected by his birth mother, and then taken away from his culture, his home abruptly. 

Of course, his Baba’s just wanted to help him, but they made a mistake. That didn’t mean that they didn’t love him, it just meant that they made a mistake. 

Knowing what happened to him was something that Bambam had wanted to know. But his methods of finding out were not healthy or good, and he had to come to terms with that too. 

He shouldn’t have used Yugyeom like that, and he shouldn’t have kept secrets from his parents. 

There was a knock at his door and he rolled over. 

“Come in,” He called and the door cracked open. 

“Bam?” He heard someone speak softly and Bambam sat up.

The door fully opened and Yugyeom stood in it, his body hunched over itself.

“Gweomy?” He whispered and he watched the smile spread across the younger boy's face. 

He missed that smile so much. 

He missed his best friend.

“Bam!” Yugyeom said, rushing to the bed and wrapping Bambam in his arms. 

Bambam hugged the boy back, squeezing him hard as if he might disappear. 

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” Yugyeom breathed, and Bambam could feel the tears coming to his eyes.

“I’m so sorry, I-” Bambam started before breathing in Yugyeom’s scent. 

He didn’t know what he would have done if he could never see Yugyeom again. 

“A lot happened huh?” Bambam whispered and Yugyeom nodded.

“You kicked my ass,” Yugyeom pointed out and Bambam nodded, tucking his hands between his knees. 

“I- I shouldn’t have-” Bambam started and Yugyeom shook his head. 

“I know that the Bambam that hit me wasn’t Bambam. You were scared, and we do scary things when we are afraid,” He said and Bambam leaned his head against Yugyeom’s shoulder. 

“I’m glad you’re not dead,” Yugyeom whispered and Bambam closed his eyes.

“I’m glad I’m not dead either,” He whispered.

“He got approved for parole,” Yugyeom whispered and Bambam nodded.

“I know, my babas told me, although he won’t get out for another month I think,” Bambam said and Yugyeom nodded. 

“Are you worried about it?” Yugyeom asked and Bambam shrugged. 

  
  


Bambam grabbed the mail, trekking upstairs and dropping it onto his bedside table. 

He’d take it downstairs later, but right now, he was going to take a nap. 

He’d been back to school for a month, and it still wasn’t any easier. 

Everyone was a little cautious about him, and the rumor mill was less than still. He’d addressed the rumors about Yugyeom quickly, and the others that didn’t matter as much, he left alone. He’d made up with Jungkook his first day back, and they were all getting back to their friendships slowly yet surely. 

To hell with everyone else. 

“I’ll call you when I wake up, love you,” Bambam called and Yugyeom blew him a kiss through the phone. 

Bambam dropped the phone beside him on the bed before curling up in a ball and falling asleep.

“Bambam, did you grab the mail?” He heard his Baba call and Bambam picked it up, taking it downstairs. 

“You slept for a while, are you okay?” Jackson asked and he nodded, hopping onto the counter. 

“Yeah, just tired, its hard to catch up on everything and not be behind, I’ve got a month’s worth to catch up on,” Bambam said and Jackson kissed him on the forehead as he took the mail from him.

“I’m proud of you Bam, I really am,” He said and Bambam rolled his eyes. 

“I know, you say it at least fifty billion times,” Bambam pointed out. 

“Well, I’ll say it fifty billion and one, I’m proud of you,” Jackson teased. 

“Ugh Baba, you’re so corny,” Bambam complained, reaching over to grab some fruit out of the bowl that Jackson was making. 

He wasn’t hungry, just tired. 

He would regret it, going to sleep without eating, but his medicine did make him drowsy after he took it, and he was getting used to it still. 

“Make you a sandwich and then head to bed, no more homework for the rest of the night,” Jackson ordered and Bambam nodded. 

He’d gotten a lot of homework done in homeroom and study hall, and they’d given him some liberties with his electives so that he could catch up since it was so late in the year, so one night off wouldn’t absolutely tank him.

“Yes Baba,” Bambam saluted his father before hopping off of the counter to make him a snack before he headed back to bed. 

He flopped onto his bed, reaching over for his lamp before pausing as he realized that he’d dropped a piece of mail on the floor. 

He bent over the bed, picking it up. 

It was addressed to him, with no return address. 

There wasn’t even a stamp.

Bambam opened it up.

_ Dear Bambam, _

_ I’m sorry about everything that happened to us in the end. Please know that I never wanted it to go that way at all. But it’s a good thing that it went like that, don’t you think? Had it not, we would have never known the truth.  _

_ Then again, is it so bad that that was the truth? Don’t you think it means something, that we found each other again? _

_ I know I have a lot to atone for. I did a lot of fucked up shit. And I regret a lot of it. But there’s one thing I don’t regret.  _

_ You.  _

_ I’m free now, and we have a new chance, a new start ahead of us. No more secrets, no more lies. I meant everything I said in those letters, about how I felt about you, how much I loved you. I love you so much.  _

_ I’ll never stop loving you.  _

_ I know you love me too. _

_ You’re my angel remember? You helped me out in a dark place in my life. I know that the way you remember things is wrong, but give me a chance to redeem myself. I can tell you about it if you still don’t remember, or we can go on like the past never happened. We can start fresh, just the two of us.  _

_ What do you say?  _

_ I’ll leave my number, we can talk, and meet up soon. _

_ I can’t wait to make you mine. _

_ I’m awaiting your reply, _

_ Bryan Smith _

Bambam stuffed the letter in his drawer, his heart pounding in his chest. 

What was he supposed to do?

He had to say something back. 

There was no way that he could let it go. 

Bryan had done so much to him, and he felt so foolish, but he couldn't stop the urge that was telling him to get back into contact with the man. 

  
  


_ To Unknown number: Hi, this is Bambam. I got your letter. I agree. We should meet. _


	19. Resourceful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bambam confronts Bryan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for being on this journey with me. I appreciated all of your comments, especially during the rough time that we've been having.

Bambam stood on the corner, his hands in his pocket as he waited for the man.

He couldn’t stop the rampant fear running through him along with that weird giddy feeling bubbling up in his stomach. 

He was feeling a mix of feelings, feelings that he’d worked long and hard to talk through with his therapist. 

Shame was one that was at the forefront. 

He felt shame a lot and worked hard to identify the feeling the hardest and combat it. 

He felt shame for what happened to him when he was young, for what happened when Bryan came back into his life, and shame for what he was doing right now, standing on a street corner in the dead of night, waiting for the man who had ruined his life so much. 

He felt nervous about what he was doing. He was scared things would go south, scared that he shouldn’t be doing this. 

Then he felt giddy, and that one was the hardest emotion to face.

Why did he feel so giddy, with all of the other emotions clouding him? 

He gripped his jacket closer to his body, cursing the winter wind pushing through the town. 

He hadn’t anticipated it getting so cold now, and he’d been waiting for Bryan for twenty minutes, getting there early because he was filled with so much unrest that he could no longer stay still, but had to go. 

He hoped that the man showed up, he hoped he wasn’t doing this for no reason. 

He really hoped that he wasn’t spooked away.

Bambam looked back down at his cellphone, rubbing his hands together. 

Another twenty minutes had gone by. 

He was supposed to be here thirty minutes ago.

He rubbed his hand over his bare torso, pulling at the edge of his shirt.

He’d worn what Bryan had told him to, a crop top and some skinny jeans. 

It was a look the man had fantasized about Bambam wearing, something that showed Bambam was really committed to being with him. 

It was a strange request, considering where they were meeting, but Bambam wanted to make him comfortable. 

_ Where are you, I’m giving you ten more minutes then I’m going home, _

Bambam sighed, looking back down the street.

There were no cars on the street, and it was starting to feel futile. 

Maybe he should just go home. 

_ I’m going home _

_ Unsaved number: Don’t _

Bambam looked up as a car pulled up.

“Bambam,” The window rolled down and Bambam looked up into those icy blue eyes. 

He had envisioned seeing those eyes in person, had fantasized about it late nights as he pressed his hands between his legs and tried not to vomit, and he’d feared those eyes early mornings after his attempt. 

He never thought he'd see them in person. 

“Bryan,” Bambam breathed and he watched a smile stretch over the man’s face. 

He watched as the man looked him up and down, his eyes lingering on the outfit he chose for Bambam and the apprehension started to come back. 

Why was Bambam doing this?

“What are you waiting for? Get in,” He said and Bambam felt himself take a step back before resolutely taking a step forward. 

He opened the car door and got into the front seat. 

He put his seatbelt on, before looking over at the man. 

“This is just how I imagined it,” The man said before leaning forward. 

Bambam stared at the man before realizing what he wanted. 

“I've never- I’ve never kissed anyone but Yugyeom,” Bambam said and Bryan lightly gripped his chin.

“Don’t be nervous, we’ve done this before,” He said before pressing his lips to Bambam’s. 

“I spent nights dreaming about those lips,” The man said before putting his hands back on the wheel and driving off. 

They were supposed to be going to a motel that Bryan had told him about and Bryan had talked about moving on afterward.

Bambam had already memorized the route to the motel, he knew each turn like the back of his hand. 

Which was why when Bryan turned left instead of right onto the highway, Bambam was worried. 

“Where- where are you going? The motel is the other way,” Bambam said and Bryan reached over, pressing his hand into Bambam’s thigh. 

“There’s somewhere else I want to go,” Bryan said and Bambam looked down at his phone. 

He shouldn’t have gotten into the car but he was here now.

“Fine,” Bambam said, turning his phone off and tucking it into his fanny pack. 

He watched as the mile markers shrunk before they turned off, taking a detour down a small street before climbing a dirt road. 

They were in the middle of nowhere.

There was a small shack isolated in the dirt. It was decrepit and disgusting and Bambam- he knew, he knew this road, he knew this shack. 

“This is where you took me the first time,” Bambam whispered, looking through the window as they came to a stop and Bryan smiled, his hand gripping Bambam’s thigh. 

“You were so scared the first time,” Bryan said and Bamba took a deep breath. 

“I’m not afraid now,” Bambam said, getting out of the car ahead of the man. 

He made his bed, he’d lie in it. 

“You blamed me for everything, you told the judge that my babas told me to do that stuff,” Bambam said as he walked into the shack. 

“That was a misunderstanding, I just- you know how that would have looked, but we don’t have to think about that now. We’re together now, things are okay now,” he tried to convince Bambam and he shook his head. 

“How can I trust you? How can you blame me for that stuff? I tried to kill myself and you- you called me here to do what? Fuck me again?” He asked and Bryan grabbed his shoulders. 

“Why are you talking like this, come on, I already told you, I love you, don’t do this, come on,” He said snaking his hand up the bottom of Bambam’s shirt.

“Don’t touch me!” Bambam yelled, slapping his hand away. 

“Stop acting like that!” The man said and Bambam took a step back.

“I don’t love you, and you don’t love me. You took advantage of me, you’re disgusting,” Bambam said and the man smacked him hard. 

Bambam hit the floor and he reached into his belt bag, feeling the knife that he’d brought. 

There was no way help was coming now, he’d have to take matters into his own hands. 

He was resourceful after all.

He brought it out, aiming for the man’s ribcage.

Bryan was too quick, grabbing his wrist and banging it against the floor until it dropped out of his hands.

“Stupid bitch,” He growled, kicking the knife out of his reach and kicking Bambam in the temple. Bambam’s vision dimmed as Bryan kneeled down on top of Bambam. He pulled at Bambam’s pants, and Bambam tried to fight back, using every trick his baba’s taught him, but Bryan was heavy and his head was hurting, and he felt like giving up. 

“Get off of me, Stop!” Bambam called, punching at the man. He felt weak and another well-timed smack to his head made everything swim. 

He was going to die here. 

“Please stop,” Bambam said weakly as Bryan got his pants down. 

“Get the fuck off of him!” Bambam heard and he looked back to see his Baba rushing into the door, gun drawn and trained on the man’s head. 

Bryan fell back onto his butt. 

“It’s not- this is a set up!” Bryan said and Jackson kicked the man in the chest, training his gun on his head. 

“You’re under arrest, you have the right to remain silent, so shut the fuck up,” Jackson said and Bambam looked up as his uncle Jaebum picked him up. 

“How did you- how did you know I was here?” Bambam asked as he was lifted. 

"He's like a roach, of course, we knew he'd come crawling back to this place," Jaebum answered. 

They were setting up a sting after Bryan contacted Bambam again, and he was supposed to go to the motel and be picked up, not-

“I’m so sorry we took so long, he wasn’t supposed to put his hands on you, I’m so sorry,” Jackson whispered as he joined Jaebum. 

They carried him to the ambulance and now that the rush of adrenaline was gone, he was tired.

“Thank you for coming baba,” Bambam cried and Jackson hugged the boy to his chest. 

“We got him,” Bambam whispered and Jackson squeezed his the boy’s hand as he was put on the gurney.

“We got him,” Jackson said with a smile. 

Bambam was a resourceful fifteen-year-old. He was going to his therapy sessions every other Thursday and family sessions once a month. He was getting better day by day, going through the traumas of his past. Bambam was learning to love himself over again and most importantly, learning to forgive himself. A lot of things happened to Bambam, but he wasn’t letting it determine who he was anymore. He loved his family, he loved his friends, and he would learn to love himself.

  
  



End file.
